To forgive DP

[Abitstunned25]

Been with my DP a couple of years, there’s no form for this behaviour so I’m a bit shocked tbh. He went to a reunion with his old army mates last night. I knew it would be messy but when I hadn’t heard from him by this morning I was worried (I woke about 4am). He was staying with his mate in a different county so I wasn’t expecting him home but he’s never silent, he always messages even when he’s pissed. Anyway, about 6am he must have come to and seen my message. He phoned me straight away ( video call) and he’s clearly off his face. He told me they took coke. One of the lads brought it for old times sake. He’s nearly 50 FFS. He can’t remember getting back, he doesn’t know what time, he thinks they went to someone’s house.

he’s In bits, really sorry, blah blah. Swears he’ll never be so stupid again. He’s out cold in bed now while I’m alternating between sad, angry and worried more happened than he’s saying

I’m kind of thinking at least he told me. He could have said nothing and pretended it was just alcohol

It’s a bit grim but not necessarily a LTB situation. I’d want to know more about it though and decide what to do after that. What else might he have done while off his face? Do you have kids that will see him like this? I’ve never done coke by the way.

Sorry what's the issue?...he didn't respond at 4am?....or that he took some coke?

I would be seriously unimpressed but ultimately, I would forgive. He sounds genuinely full of remorse and embarrassed about his behaviour (as he should be!). If this is totally out of character I’d try and move past it.

It’s the coke bit, and the fact that he thinks he went to a strangers house and can’t remember

At some point in our lives we all go out, get shit faced and fuck up. Last night was his turn. Assuming he's not got form for cheating / lying / deceiving etc just laugh it off and move on. Bacon sandwich and a full fat pepsi 👍

Well I would be very upset about the coke.
And by " some stranger" do you think this a woman - given how many men look for sex when they have taken coke?

That’s my worry yes

Yes kids, but they are away with family so they won’t see him like this

I’ve never done coke, or any drugs so it’s not normal to me

Definitely not a LTB situation if you've been together years and he hasn't taken drugs in that time. And you're sure he hasn't cheated. It sounds like you're maybe not sure of that though so perhaps wait until you are sure before forgiving?

You need to talk about this when he comes home.

He needs to tell you the whole truth so that you can make an informed decision about what to do going forward.

I'm sorry OP but him describing it as " some strangers house" doesnt sound good. It sounds as though he and his friends have visited a brothel .

A brothel??! That didn’t enter my head, I was thinking more of a party in a flat or something

Yeah, if you've only been with him a couple of years and he's 50, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Doing coke at 50 just for nostalgia is a bit grim. Are they kids you have with him?

No, I have 2 kids and he has 1 from previous relationships

I think if your instinct is to be shocked because taking drugs isn't something you're morally ok with, then you should listen to that and consider whether it's something you are fine with exposing your child to. If he's 'fessed up to taking coke' then it's something he finds possibly a bit shameful, but basically ok so will do again if the opportunity presents itself.

I would wonder if he was leaving anything out, confessing to the bare minimum he can get away with.

Plus ex army? Ooooft no.

What do you want to forgive him? You need to decide whether you want to be with someone who took coke or not. That's it.

Doesn't sound like that big a deal IMO

If it’s a one off and not a regular thing it wouldn’t bother me one bit. In fact I’d prefer it to being totally legless on alcohol eg vomming.

I think going a bit overboard once every couple of years isn’t a big deal.

Sorry op. I’m being judgemental but’ ‘ex army’ wouldve been a red flag with the night out. Has he gone out with these guys before since youve been together? The fact he ‘can’t remember’ would concern me and Id worry about sex/STIs.

I don't think its fair to believe that he did something you need to forgive. Its nothing to do with you really. He had a big night out with old friends and took some recreational drugs. It's really not a big deal. 50 yr olds are allowed let loose sometimes too. I would be curious about his past, he obviously used to take coke regularly when younger with these guys and it seems strange he never told you about this. I'd be more concerned with the lack of honesty about his past than his massive hangover to be honest

It’s really useful to hear others perspectives on this. Thank you for all the replies so far.

I think nothing will come from fretting about it now. Tomorrow you’re due a chat over breakfast about the parts that you’re struggling with with this situation - be that his past, the coke, the army buddies, the strangers’ house …
I fear you’ll only find whatifs and IMEs here. If you can have a calm evening - with a bath/book/film, then do. Tomorrow is another day.

Not sure he's done anything that needs to be forgiven?. He's away for a reunion, had a wild night & done a bit of blow. Doesn't sound like it's a regular occurrence or anything to be worried about. If he's staying with a friend I would assume he went to the house of someone they know to carry on the party.