To forgive DP

[Abitstunned25]

Been with my DP a couple of years, there’s no form for this behaviour so I’m a bit shocked tbh. He went to a reunion with his old army mates last night. I knew it would be messy but when I hadn’t heard from him by this morning I was worried (I woke about 4am). He was staying with his mate in a different county so I wasn’t expecting him home but he’s never silent, he always messages even when he’s pissed. Anyway, about 6am he must have come to and seen my message. He phoned me straight away ( video call) and he’s clearly off his face. He told me they took coke. One of the lads brought it for old times sake. He’s nearly 50 FFS. He can’t remember getting back, he doesn’t know what time, he thinks they went to someone’s house.

he’s In bits, really sorry, blah blah. Swears he’ll never be so stupid again. He’s out cold in bed now while I’m alternating between sad, angry and worried more happened than he’s saying

Seriously ? A brothel ? How do you come to that conclusion .

Of course it's a real possibility given the known behaviour of cocaine users. And also the known behaviour of some soldiers.
A " stranger's house" is an exceptionally weird terminology to use to describe where he was.

Coke doesn’t really make you forget . You are more alert than alcohol.
I’m not sure about the forgiving tbh, my thoughts are don’t out yourself in these situations especially if your ment to value and have respect for your relationship.

He stayed out all night and there was other women there . Nope not a chance .
I mean what did he have to gain by going there is what I’d be asking ?
You won’t get the truth op

I know people who recreationally use cocaine and have never known any of them to frequent brothels.
Mumsnet hysteria at its best 👌🏻

It's well known that cocaine use lowers inhibitions and many cocaine users indulge in risky sexual behaviour as a result. This includes casual sexual partners and using escorts and prostitutes.
It's not hysteria. It's fact.
Just because you aren't aware your druggie friends do this doesnt mean to say it's not one of the effects of the drug.

It's just that you seem to have painted a picture in your head of a Guy Richie film or Martina Cole novel of anyone who takes coke, when the reality isn't always that straight forward.
It's like someone picturing a vegan as a yoga loving, yoghurt knitting tree hugger, if you see what I mean.

😂
Alcohol lowers my inhibitions. I don’t go and shag a prostitute after a couple of glasses of Pinot.

And none of my friends are druggies.

Have a wonderful day x

His clothes smell of perfume 😞

It’s possible (likely) that you’ve never seen this side of him before but that it will appear every time they get together - whether that’s every month or every ten years - but never at any other times.

Army/ex army get-togethers are generally wild and they do revert back to how they were in the old days. They have a very unique bond for the most part.

My husband doesn’t go to ex army social events although he does stay in touch on social media/whatsapp for this reason - the nights out are the same type of regression (albeit a really good laugh I assume) and he just isn’t in the same place any more. I don’t care either way and have never expressed a viewpoint in either direction, but he made his choose over a decade ago and has never wavered on it.

Based on what I know, I can genuinely believe this was a one off rather than part of who he actually is - but I would also say expect the same next time they meet up (if they do, if that makes sense). If they don’t meet up again, I wouldn’t expect him to be doing anything like it again if it’s not the norm for him. But if they do, assume the night will go the same way.

Thank you, that helps.

Oh dear. So sorry but this does not sound good.
Also second the comment above about coke not causing amnesia. It makes you more alert.

Even if the coke came after an all day drinking session? He was so drunk he was sick more than once

Given the state of him, I actually don't think he could have performed but that doesn't mean that nothing happened.

I’m genuinely not sure how I’d react to this. I think you need a lot more information about exactly what he did. Not an immediate deal breaker IMO, but it might be if the extra information turns out to be worse.

I wouldn't be bothered by this. I don't take drugs myself, wouldn't be with a regular user but a one off is no big deal.

Even if he ended up at a very small after party with other women there? And came home smelling of perfume?

If he can’t remember it’s going to be because of the alcohol.

Coke does not make you forget chunks of the night, or make you off your face in such a way that you don't know what's happening or going on.

He's either taken something else aside from coke, or he's hiding the actual truth from you.

If it helps, the ending up somewhere random sounds pretty standard too. And rarely sexual!

Drunk people tend to be all over each other (and I don’t mean sexually) so I think the perfume is a red herring given that you know women were there. My husband doesn’t smell of my perfume even when we do have sex, because I don’t wear strong perfume. However, our daughter smells like she’s drowned herself in a bath of Sol De Janiero, so he often smells like that if he’s so much as been within 50 feet of her…

I wouldn’t put up with this behaviour BUT I have experienced it once, in our very early days (no smell of perfume but I didn’t sniff him! No drugs, but he was still serving and subject to testing) - absolutely off his head drunk after what should have been a few drinks and ended up at some after party with god knows who until 6/7am. I don’t believe anything sexual happened at all, however we weren’t actually together so it’s largely irrelevant to me. However, after witnessing the behaviour, I said to him that we were not going anywhere but would love to stay friends (we started as friends and he wanted us to be more around the time this happened). He said he was done with it and wouldn’t do it again (large pinch of salt taken from my side!). It was 15 years ago and he has never so much as mentioned going out with army friends again (I have never stopped him, but he knows I wouldn’t be with someone who behaves in that way, and it is pretty standard behaviour for his army friends - he’s now ex army - so he just completely removed himself from that social setting). I’d give your partner time to reflect on it and see what he says first.

Jeezo. Me and my mates took coke in our 20s and never once did anyone visit a brothel. Fuck sake 🤣

Look, he's been pissed, took the coke and then was chasing more. I honestly don't believe he has cheated. Its just hard to be reasonable and stop drinking and go home when you're on gear. Because you want to stay and take more! There were 2 women there so that's the perfume smell but it doesn't mean he cheated.

A mixed sex party would not bother me. Are you sure he actually smells of perfume and that isn't you overthinking things. I can't imagine someone else's perfume lingering on someone hours later unless it was actually sprayed on them.

I'm not imagining the smell. It's strong perfume and it's not mine

Sounds completely plausible. I used to end up in this sort of situation regularly when I used to take coke (long ago, thankfully, nasty stuff). Never cheated on a partner.

Yes and no. More alert at the time but less likely to actually store the memories. You're alert but you probably don't remember much of it.

Oh I think brothel is a huge and unnecessary leap!