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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To forgive DP

86 replies

Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:30

Been with my DP a couple of years, there’s no form for this behaviour so I’m a bit shocked tbh. He went to a reunion with his old army mates last night. I knew it would be messy but when I hadn’t heard from him by this morning I was worried (I woke about 4am). He was staying with his mate in a different county so I wasn’t expecting him home but he’s never silent, he always messages even when he’s pissed. Anyway, about 6am he must have come to and seen my message. He phoned me straight away ( video call) and he’s clearly off his face. He told me they took coke. One of the lads brought it for old times sake. He’s nearly 50 FFS. He can’t remember getting back, he doesn’t know what time, he thinks they went to someone’s house.

he’s In bits, really sorry, blah blah. Swears he’ll never be so stupid again. He’s out cold in bed now while I’m alternating between sad, angry and worried more happened than he’s saying

OP posts:
Katherine9 · 26/08/2025 15:58

ColinOfficeTrolley · 26/08/2025 13:46

Coke does not make you forget chunks of the night, or make you off your face in such a way that you don't know what's happening or going on.

He's either taken something else aside from coke, or he's hiding the actual truth from you.

But presumably it can keep people up later and longer, meaning they drink more - leading to amnesia.

JHound · 26/08/2025 15:59

I would forgive him but then this is not the kind of thing that would bother me.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 26/08/2025 16:01

Katherine9 · 26/08/2025 15:58

But presumably it can keep people up later and longer, meaning they drink more - leading to amnesia.

Show quote history

It doesn't really work like that.

Well it never for me and friends back in the day.

Mischance · 26/08/2025 16:55

SitOnHisFaceIfHeDiesHeDies · 24/08/2025 18:41

At some point in our lives we all go out, get shit faced and fuck up. Last night was his turn. Assuming he's not got form for cheating / lying / deceiving etc just laugh it off and move on. Bacon sandwich and a full fat pepsi 👍

Speak for yourself!

reflection25 · 26/08/2025 16:58

Hi

Mischance · 26/08/2025 17:16

Maybe his mates can clarify where he was and who he was with. Ask them separately .... see if the stories tally!
It is important to know. If he has had sex with someone you need to protect yourself

BauhausOfEliott · 26/08/2025 17:28

There is zero evidence that he's cheated on you and even less evidence that he went to a brothel, and I think a lot of Mumsnetters really need to calm the fuck down instead of egging someone on to end a relationship by gleefully positing the worst case scenario.

He got hammered, took some coke, ended up at some random's house with his mates and now feels like shit. If that's something that's put you off him so much after two years together that you can't get past it, of course you are completely entitled to have that as a deal-breaker, but there is nothing that suggests he's cheated on you and it would be a strange choice to dump him just on the basis that a bunch of people on Mumsnet started saying 'Ooh, he must have been to a brothel' and telling you he can't have had a blackout period while on coke - he obviously drank a ton of booze as well as taking coke and in any case, nobody ever really knows exactly what's in whatever they're snorting so it's completely plausible that he can't remember large chunks of the night.

I'd be very pissed off about the drugs and I'd be having a serious chat with him about because I'd want to make it clear that if it happened again it would be a deal-breaker for me, but I wouldn't end an otherwise great relationship over one out of character substance abuse fuck-up two years in. Obviously if the relationship wasn't that great, or if it happened a week after we started dating and I wasn't invested, I absolutely would ditch him, but not if it was basically his only transgression and I'd been happy with him for two years.

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 27/08/2025 08:20

It has been an amazing relationship until this weekend. He’s never, ever even upset me before. I adore him. Having spent last night talking it over, I’m willing to see it as a one-off. He’s devastated with himself. I think he scared himself. He says he’s not going to any more army reunions.

OP posts:
CinnamonBuns67 · 27/08/2025 08:48

I'd forgive it this once because he is very remorseful and he has told you but you need to be firm that forgiveness for this type of behaviour applies to this once. If it's something he does a second time at that point I'd leave.

meganorks · 27/08/2025 08:59

Honestly, I think you have anything to worry about. If you did, he wouldn't have told you straight away 'in bits'. Sounds like he's scared himself.

A lot of my friends did drugs when they were younger. And a few (blokes!) try and cling on to the idea they can still be wild/fun/crazy once in a while. The majority don't but this sort of reunion is just the sort of place where some of these guys reappear. By all means go mad at him when he gets home and say how inappropriate you think it is/won't stand for it etc. But sounds like your DP is in that mindset himself already.

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 27/08/2025 12:40

I'm actually feeling a bit bad for getting so angry with him. He scared me though. Seeing him high was horrible.

OP posts:
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