To forgive DP

[Abitstunned25]

Been with my DP a couple of years, there’s no form for this behaviour so I’m a bit shocked tbh. He went to a reunion with his old army mates last night. I knew it would be messy but when I hadn’t heard from him by this morning I was worried (I woke about 4am). He was staying with his mate in a different county so I wasn’t expecting him home but he’s never silent, he always messages even when he’s pissed. Anyway, about 6am he must have come to and seen my message. He phoned me straight away ( video call) and he’s clearly off his face. He told me they took coke. One of the lads brought it for old times sake. He’s nearly 50 FFS. He can’t remember getting back, he doesn’t know what time, he thinks they went to someone’s house.

he’s In bits, really sorry, blah blah. Swears he’ll never be so stupid again. He’s out cold in bed now while I’m alternating between sad, angry and worried more happened than he’s saying

If he’s in his 50’s & was in the army, he’s probably gone through a lot with these friends. Whilst I’m not saying it’s ok behaviour, I do genuinely believe the ‘for old times sake’ mentality as I’ve seen it (working in the armed forces). I reckon the hangover today and being mortified to admit it to you will have taught him a bit of a lesson. Obviously have the conversation for the missing info but it doesn’t scream LTB to me tbh.

No, why would a brothel enter your head? That poster is deranged. It’s not an ideal situation but fuck, he has not done anything wrong other than enjoy a night out. People in their 50s are still capable of doing so x

I’d dump him, a bloke that does coke whose behaviour changes like that with friends isn’t for me.

So there’s a bit more info. The strangers house was a bloke they met in the bar, and there were 2 women there too. So it was my DP, a couple of his mates, another bloke and 2 girls

He swears nothing happened with the women. I just don’t know. We were talking just last week about how his ex had small ‘parties’ at her flat when he wasn’t there and there were loads of blokes. He said even if nothing happened, it seemed disrespectful to their relationship and I agree 100% - feels like he is hypocritical now

Is he 'remembering' this new info or has someone reminded him?

He asked his mate what he remembered

It may well be totally innocent, just been a bit of a night of it.

Anyone who thinks “it’s just a bit of coke” and better than alcohol should watch “Operation Dark Phone” on Channel 4 to see how people buying coke are funding organised crime, murder, torture etc. it would be a red line for me.

If there's literally nothing else to this then yes I'd forgive him.
I'd not be best pleased.. he's 50! He needs to take good care of his heart!
But if you are saying this is unusual behaviour for him... then I'd accept his apology and draw a line under it.
It was a stupid choice. We've all made them in our lives.

Well, OP, you've had your answers. Everything from brush it off to LTB.
It's your choice but for me the killer would be the coke and the loss of memory. Some people think coke is no big deal but I do.
Take your time, think about it and do what you feel is right. 🤗🥰

He took coke as a one off. Hardly the crime of the century. You said you thought it would get messy. So surely a bit of coke isn't the end of the world. As you say, he's old enough to know what he's doing. He apologised. He clearly doesn't do it regularly. I think you should forget it and move on.

He is who he is, not sure there’s anything to forgive as he hasn’t done anything against you. However, if you don’t like being with someone who goes on benders and takes coke, then end the relationship.

Right to be fair though usually when people are on coke they aren't thinking about anything but the here and now.. and are just talking at 100mph about nonsense till they come down.
I took coke once in my 20s and I barely remembered anything about the entire 24hrs. Except that I'd been talking so much my voice was hoarse! I also went to a completely random person's flat which was full of other random people and to this day I have no idea who any of them were or what was said.. only that it seemed fun at the time and I was talking alot. Looking back they were the type of people I wouldn't have been able to even have a two word conversation with had I been sober. I'm sure I talked to a guy about cars for hours. I know nothing about cars.

For what it’s worth if he was with ex army buddies he could almost certainly have just told you they got drunk and crashed at their house rather than this more complex story - it’s unlikely they would ever contradict it - so the more complex stuff sounds like the truth. I’d go with the rule - once is a mistake, twice is a choice.

I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to find an answer like this! All the people saying ‘it’s just a bit of coke’. It destroys people’s lives and and gives gangs an endless supply of money, which in turn strengthens their power and hold on communities.
If this was my partner I would be discussing this aspect of it with him when he got home and giving him a long list of podcasts and documentaries to chose from if he didn’t see how bad it is.

Honestly, sounds like he had a lot of fun for old times sake

Nothing to forgive tbh, these things happen

If he was taking coke regularly, then that would be a huge issue imo x

The memory loss would concern me
because if he was so out of it he can’t remember then how would he have been in control? Id see how he is when you see him, find out why he got so bad and make sure never again.

@EndlessLaundry1 it’s incredible. People are horrified (rightly) by county line grooming and the murder of Olivia Pratt-Korbel and then say “it’s just a bit of coke” about the end user… Without the end user there is no county lines or gangland shootings that don’t care about innocents caught in the cross fire. These are directly connected.

OP, you have every right to be very disappointed with your DP, and I would be mightily unimpressed by the drug-taking, but I think your DP sounds as though he has given you an honest account of what happened, so I’d say forgive and forget, but make it very clear that this is a one-off and not a free pass to misbehave every time he catches up with his old army mates.

There is nothing wrong with most ex-Army men, don’t lump them all in together.

I wouldn't necessarily use the word 'wrong' myself. It's just that certain jobs need people with a particular mindset to be effective.

You're not wrong but I can separate the end user from the awful crimes related to it because if you dont do that everyone in our society is probably culpable of some awful crime. Wear fast fashion? You're directly responsible for sweat shops. Use plastic products ? Polution. You bank with HSBC? You're complicit in money laundering for drug cartels. Buy nestle products ? Child labour. Use Apple products? Complicit in poor working conditions. Use petrol ? Oil spills and cover ups. Use Johnson and Johnson products? Sold baby powder with asbestos in it linked to cancer. Use social media? Privacy violations, fuel political violence.

Yeah coke is also an awful product with links to awful crimes but everything in society is tainted.

@IamnotSethRogan yeah…no. And people do try to avoid certain brands because of their working practices.

A brothel??!

FFS 🙄