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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DD doesn't want family at birthday

77 replies

Anonmom812 · 22/08/2025 13:26

So my DD (autistic) is turning 16 and plans to go to local bowling/arcade place and then a meal..
She's now decided she only want friends to go to the first part (and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything) and decided she doesn't want her nan there.
Her nan does so much for her, gives her lifts to and from whenever and wherever, comes with us on holidays, every birthday, let's her use her house to hang out with friends, sends her money when she needs it etc.

I've said I feel it's unfair for her to tell her not to come as we are all going to be there and it's a big birthday, obvs her nan would be upset. Also on the other hand, she is 16 and I don't want to insist her nan comes along if that's unreasonable of me to do so? (by nan coming along I mean we will probably all sit at a table with a drink and do something with her 13/8 year old siblings, while she goes off with her mates)

I am new to the whole teenage independence thing so any advice will be greatly welcomed

OP posts:

craigth162 · 22/08/2025 13:29

I think at 16 it's reasonable to not want family there with friends. For my sons 16th a few weeks ago I just transferred him money to pay for him and friends to go crazy golf/darts/lunch. Yes it felt a bit weird not being there but they are growing up.

TheNightingalesStarling · 22/08/2025 13:29

Do you mean just friends at bowling, then family at the meal?

That's pretty normal really, familyband friends at separate events.

Mikart · 22/08/2025 13:31

I think its fair enough.

Ponderingwindow · 22/08/2025 13:31

She is 16. It’s normal to have separate friend and family celebrations. Not even her siblings need to be at the friend party.

BreadstickBurglar · 22/08/2025 13:31

Absolutely normal. Pretty sure I had separate friends/family things from about 12 onwards. Btw in a year or two she probably won’t want her mum there either! Just arrange eg tea before or after with the family.

redskydelight · 22/08/2025 13:32

It's odd to have family at this type of teen birthday party.

Obviously you will know how much support she needs due to her autism, but more usual would be to drop her off and pick her up later and let her do her own thing with her friends. And have a separate family meal on another occasion.

AngelicInnocent · 22/08/2025 13:32

Yeah, at 16 I would be transferring the money to DD and letting her get on with it. They definitely don't want nan there and, tbh, probably don't want you and the siblings around at all. Totally embarrassing around their friends.

Greenqueen40 · 22/08/2025 13:35

Why are you even taking the 8 & 13yr old? She's 16! Just take her alone and hang back keeping an eye while she is with her friends. I do this with my ds now and he's only 12!

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 22/08/2025 13:35

So she knows you and her siblings will be there but she wants to leave her granny who does a lot for her out.
This is plain nasty. She has no regard for her gran's feelings, despite knowing she would be upset. It's hardly like her presence will cramp her style any more than the younger siblings will do.

Treeleaf11 · 22/08/2025 13:35

It wouldn't be usual for any family to be at the bowling part. Separate parties is the norm at this age.

SomeOfTheTrouble · 22/08/2025 13:36

At 16 surely they’d go off and do the bowling on their own without you/other family members being there?

Changingplace · 22/08/2025 13:36

I think it’s fair enough at 16, most kids that age want something just with friends, I think that’s normal.

I don’t think you and the younger kids need to stay either really, can’t you drop her off with some money and pick her up later on?

Do a separate family meal for her Nan & other family, it’s doesn’t all need to be combined at this age.

Octavia64 · 22/08/2025 13:37

It’s normal to have separate events for family and friends at this age.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 22/08/2025 13:38

I don’t think you should be taking her siblings at 16 either. You go and sit elsewhere and just pay. I’ve asked before to sit on a different table to my dcs who are having lunch with friends and just pay for both tables.

then have a family meal at home.

scaredfriend · 22/08/2025 13:40

My children are close to this age. We have a tea party at home for family (grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins). We’ve been doing this since they were toddlers and it’s a tradition that they still ask for. They also have a party with friends (laser tag, go karting, bowling, cinema). Since about age 15, we’ve just left them to it. Obviously a parent is around just in case (and to pay the bill 😂) but we don’t join in the activity. That’s pretty standard for teen parties I think

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 22/08/2025 13:41

Id leave her alone with her friends for bowling and do a family meal as a completely separate thing.

At 16 she needs her space and you shouldn’t be shoe horning yourself and the family into her birthday celebrations.

HelloGreen · 22/08/2025 13:41

I don’t think you and the younger kids should be there either. It also helps you get around the not inviting Nan issue if it’s just friends.

Have a family tea party separately.

Maray1967 · 22/08/2025 13:42

Ponderingwindow · 22/08/2025 13:31

She is 16. It’s normal to have separate friend and family celebrations. Not even her siblings need to be at the friend party.

This. When mine were 15/16 I went along and kept apart and just paid the bill.

Then we had a family presents and cake thing.

RavenPie · 22/08/2025 13:43

I would have a family meal on a different day and let her do the bowling/arcade stuff with her mates. Is she singling out Nan because she knows there is no option to not have mum plus 8 and 13 yo siblings?

and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything - I don’t follow the logic. You are paying because it’s her birthday and she wants a party and you’ve agreed to fund it - I guess as part of her present. It doesn’t follow that you have to go to a teenage bowling night.

InterestedDad37 · 22/08/2025 13:43

If there's any family at the bowling then kind nan should be there too. Bit maybe there shouldn't be any family at the bowling 🎳

Pineapplewaves · 22/08/2025 13:44

I would pay for DD to go to the bowling with her friends only, you and the siblings don’t attend. I would then organise a birthday meal in a restaurant or at home for her and the family to celebrate.

Casting my mind back to age 16 I can see that having your Nan turn up to the bowling when you are with your school friends could be very uncool, no offence to my Nan or Gran, they were both lovely but I would have never heard the end of it at school, sadly.

RimTimTagiDim · 22/08/2025 13:45

She's now decided she only want friends to go to the first part (and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything)

Jesus, don't do that. Let the poor girl have fun with her friends.

a222 · 22/08/2025 13:45

poor girl in all reality she won’t want her young siblings and mum there at 16. unless there is something we don’t know it’s time to give her a chance to be a teenager.

Laiste · 22/08/2025 13:46

So she wants bowling with mates and meal with family ...

Seems fine to me. Nan at the meal. Doesn't mean she doesn't love and appreciates nan.

I wouldn't guilt trip her with what her nan does for her, it's not fair. At 16 she wants to start to separate the person she is with her peers from the person she is with family.

If you were on a girls night out you wouldn't want your nan there!

MintTwirl · 22/08/2025 13:47

That s quite normal, I’m amazed you and siblings are going tbh!

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