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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD doesn't want family at birthday

77 replies

Anonmom812 · 22/08/2025 13:26

So my DD (autistic) is turning 16 and plans to go to local bowling/arcade place and then a meal..
She's now decided she only want friends to go to the first part (and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything) and decided she doesn't want her nan there.
Her nan does so much for her, gives her lifts to and from whenever and wherever, comes with us on holidays, every birthday, let's her use her house to hang out with friends, sends her money when she needs it etc.

I've said I feel it's unfair for her to tell her not to come as we are all going to be there and it's a big birthday, obvs her nan would be upset. Also on the other hand, she is 16 and I don't want to insist her nan comes along if that's unreasonable of me to do so? (by nan coming along I mean we will probably all sit at a table with a drink and do something with her 13/8 year old siblings, while she goes off with her mates)

I am new to the whole teenage independence thing so any advice will be greatly welcomed

OP posts:
Slothsandspiderman · 22/08/2025 15:47

I would embrace her independence with her friends and let it just be them. Then do something with family later. My daughter only wants family at her birthday however she has SEND. To her her family are her world. However i do try and encourage doing something with just her friends which she also loves. My daughter is quite unusual. Time to let yours grow up -

Brickiscool · 22/08/2025 16:07

My 15 year old would be mortified having family at her 16th party.

She'll be having two totally separate parties. One with her friends and one with family.

mumofoneAloneandwell · 22/08/2025 18:59

I'm gonna go against the grain and say that her nan should be there!

Unless she will try to embarrass dd, she is part of the immediate family!

Just send her off with her friends and have dinner the rest of you x

Lostworlds · 22/08/2025 19:06

I think the best thing to do would be to have a separate family meal and celebrate with her nan then.

Teenagers don’t really want a whole family get together with their friends there too unless it’s some big party. Let her have her space and freedom with friends for a couple of hours and do something after.

Agrumpyknitter · 22/08/2025 19:09

Let her celebrate her birthday how she wants. My eldest didn’t want any family at her birthday, she just wanted to be at home with her immediate family to enjoy the day. Every other year we have always been on holiday and while she’s enjoyed them she’s also more of a homebody. We celebrated with wider family a few days afterwards.

CyanDreamer · 22/08/2025 19:15

I am new to the whole teenage independence thing

I don't know any primary school child who would want their nan around for their party with friends! Parents are tolerated because they drive and bring the cut, but even Y5 or Y6 would cringe to have nan coming along.

So a 16 year old.. that's getting ridiculous. I realise things might be different with autistic child, but she's still 16!

CinnamonBuns67 · 22/08/2025 19:33

It's normal for her to want to do something with just her mates. Pre book and pay the bowling, give her some money for her drinks and then just drop her off and let her hang out with her mates.

Just tell Nan "Shes doing the bowling with just friends, she's having the meal with just family so we will be going to (restaurant) on (date) at (time) we look forward to seeing you there"

DisforDarkChocolate · 22/08/2025 19:36

At 16 in surprised she even has siblings there, or you doing more than paying.

Createausername1970 · 22/08/2025 19:43

Agree with the majority. Do two separate events.

Bowling with friends.
Tea with cake and candles with family.

Don't necessarily need to be on the same day. Tea could be actual birthday and Bowling on the nearest Friday or Saturday afternoon/evening.

PeloMom · 22/08/2025 19:45

I stopped having family birthdays at 14. Was friends only from 14 onwards.

Btowngirl · 22/08/2025 20:01

You wouldn’t have caught me dead having my 16th birthday with any of my family mixed with my friends. I’m super close to my parents & sisters as well! I think this is a great age to leave her to it with her friends, maybe do something different as family? Not sure why you said about her being autistic, are you worried she wouldn’t be ok on her own?

TY78910 · 22/08/2025 20:05

AngelicInnocent · 22/08/2025 13:32

Yeah, at 16 I would be transferring the money to DD and letting her get on with it. They definitely don't want nan there and, tbh, probably don't want you and the siblings around at all. Totally embarrassing around their friends.

Yep this, I’d be giving her the cash and letting her do it with friends only. Then do a meal with family, not necessarily on the same day.

enpeatea · 22/08/2025 20:14

I’m a nan. I’d be absolutely fine with this. Don’t think autism has any bearing.

CeciliaMars · 22/08/2025 20:22

Why would a 16 year old want their nan at a party? Just have a separate family tea!

Lifestooshort6591 · 22/08/2025 20:30

I'm a nan, I would not be offended. She obs wants to be with friends. Not cool having your old nan there! Do tea and cakes with nan another day.

Agapornis · 22/08/2025 20:35

I'm late 30s and I still don't mix my friends and parents 😂 Just have two parties - and friends one and a family one. That's what everyone does in my family!

Lavender14 · 22/08/2025 20:38

My neice is the same age and there's been no grandparents at birthdays for a few years now because she just wants to do her own thing with her friends. I go as auntie and will hang out with my sister but help with lifts if needed so we're around but not WITH them if that makes sense. Or I'll babysit her younger sibling. Nephew is now 10 and grandparents don't go to his parties either. Both have separate little parties at home for family with food and cake which is more than sufficient.

Snorlaxo · 22/08/2025 20:44

Doesn’t your 13yo go off and do stuff with his friends with you too?

LynetteScavo · 22/08/2025 20:48

It’s totally normal. She can have a meal out with nan, or nan can come round for the birthday cake and a cup of tea. Most 16yos would just want to hang with friends and not family for the party bit, even if you are paying.

nomas · 22/08/2025 20:52

Glad you have a way forward, OP.

I don’t think you need to be there to pay for it all.

Starlight7080 · 22/08/2025 20:54

Its not her nans or anyone else's 16th birthday . Its hers. So it should be her choice.
It doesnt mean she doesnt appreciate all you all do for her .

QuillBill · 22/08/2025 21:15

As soon as mine were at secondary school they had ‘events’ with just their friends for their birthday and then we had a family meal on a different day. Usually the family thing would be on the day of the birthday and the friends would be at the weekend.

Mine did all sorts with their friends, whatever they decided that was in budget. Sometimes we would drive them all to somewhere and other times we had absolutely nothing to do with it at all.

Infamousnow · 22/08/2025 22:07

enpeatea · 22/08/2025 20:14

I’m a nan. I’d be absolutely fine with this. Don’t think autism has any bearing.

I don’t know about OP’s DD, but often autistic kids are emotionally immature, so it’s like dealing with a child a few years younger. Communication can be a problem, especially when they get stressed or overwhelmed. Executive function can be an issue, so adaptability in a new situation can be difficult. Sensory issues can be challenging, too loud, too bright. Add everything together and it might be too much.

Everyone is different and OP will know her daughter and her capabilities best. She might be well able to manage this situation.
But autism can definitely have a bearing.

Hope she has a lovely day OP.

Jukeboxjulie69 · 07/01/2026 19:10

Anonmom812 · 22/08/2025 13:26

So my DD (autistic) is turning 16 and plans to go to local bowling/arcade place and then a meal..
She's now decided she only want friends to go to the first part (and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything) and decided she doesn't want her nan there.
Her nan does so much for her, gives her lifts to and from whenever and wherever, comes with us on holidays, every birthday, let's her use her house to hang out with friends, sends her money when she needs it etc.

I've said I feel it's unfair for her to tell her not to come as we are all going to be there and it's a big birthday, obvs her nan would be upset. Also on the other hand, she is 16 and I don't want to insist her nan comes along if that's unreasonable of me to do so? (by nan coming along I mean we will probably all sit at a table with a drink and do something with her 13/8 year old siblings, while she goes off with her mates)

I am new to the whole teenage independence thing so any advice will be greatly welcomed

So you’ll be going with her friends with your other kids? But nan can’t? That is unreasonable tbh. I’d be very hurt as a nan if everyone was going but me. What about daughter just going with her friends and no family. At 16, I think that’s reasonable.

FunnyOrca · 07/01/2026 19:12

Anonmom812 · 22/08/2025 13:49

Thanks everyone, yeah I actually re read my post back and realised how ridiculous it was! I did mean we were just going along so I was there to pay/if something went wrong as she isn't great at communicating. Obviously not sat hanging around and joining in with her friends. But I will just pre book the activities and give her the money for food etc. This teenager stuff is hard to get used to lol

Yeah, I completely misunderstood from your first post. This sounds reasonable!

In a few years you might find family being the centre of celebrations again 💕

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