DD doesn't want family at birthday

[Anonmom812]

So my DD (autistic) is turning 16 and plans to go to local bowling/arcade place and then a meal..
She's now decided she only want friends to go to the first part (and me, her bro/sis, as I'll be paying for everything) and decided she doesn't want her nan there.
Her nan does so much for her, gives her lifts to and from whenever and wherever, comes with us on holidays, every birthday, let's her use her house to hang out with friends, sends her money when she needs it etc.

I've said I feel it's unfair for her to tell her not to come as we are all going to be there and it's a big birthday, obvs her nan would be upset. Also on the other hand, she is 16 and I don't want to insist her nan comes along if that's unreasonable of me to do so? (by nan coming along I mean we will probably all sit at a table with a drink and do something with her 13/8 year old siblings, while she goes off with her mates)

I am new to the whole teenage independence thing so any advice will be greatly welcomed

This, let her have a birthday with her friends do a separate thing either eating out or something at home.

Normally a 16yo would bowl with her friends then see you, nan and her siblings afterwards. Very unusual for younger siblings and mum to attend.

I would have her bowl with her friends on one lane and you, her siblings and nan on a different one a distance away.

Do you think that normal (sorry) teen embarrassment about family and parents is manifesting as embarrassment about her nan’s presence?

Yeah I’m with the others. We had a family meal as usual and then I bought the tickets for the activity but no one attended but my child and her mates. Why would her siblings be attending an event for her and her mates? Let her grow up and branch out

Thanks everyone, yeah I actually re read my post back and realised how ridiculous it was! I did mean we were just going along so I was there to pay/if something went wrong as she isn't great at communicating. Obviously not sat hanging around and joining in with her friends. But I will just pre book the activities and give her the money for food etc. This teenager stuff is hard to get used to lol

I think i mis read, she doesn't want her friends at the meal or her nan?

I think taking your nan, mum and younger siblings bowling for your 16th birthday is a bit weird tbh! Bowling with her mates and meal with family after.

As a mum to two teenage sons I just book the event and they go out with their friends. Then food and cake if they want it after. Feels weird though the first few times....

I thought that, but my first assumption would be she doesn’t want any of her family there at all, nans probably been singled out as she’s the only one she feels able to rebel against going, which is a bit sad really. Having your nan there is also probably the most embarrassing. She may have been made to feel having mum and the rest there as non negotiable, kind of backed up with mum saying they’re going bc they’re paying. I agree with the rest, allow her to go to bowling on her own (if only to save Nan from upset), and a family dinner after

Of course you can / should still have a lovely family meal, with blowing candles out on cake etc, with her nan to celebrate too. Totally different event to her bowling with friends.

Don't have any family there. Give her money and drop them/pick them up! That way nan won't be offended especially when siblings and mum aren't there either!

All fine, it's all just separate now as they are getting older :)

Well done OP! Not easy to adjust at all is it.
Hope your daughter has a lovely time with her friends and (separately) with her family 🎂

Yeah just leave them to it. You, nan and siblings can do a meal separately or something but def not joining in with bowling

Tell your daughter that she should explain to her nan that she's not invited. If she is old enough to choose her own guests, she's old enough to maturely explain her choices. Maybe suggest that your daughter bakes a cake for her nan and takes it round when having the chat.

Bowling - friends only
Celebratory meal - Mum, siblings, nan etc

That's all perfectly normal. Give her the money to go with her mates.

Maybe read the thread?

Regardless, most adults understand "this is a party for my friends; I'll celebrate with family separately" , without it being a huge momentous discussion requiring cake baking.

For goodness sake don't just leave nan out! - especially if she is closely involved in DD's life. It's either all family or none!
None would seem the best option.

Get Nan to look after the siblings and meet you at the restaurant.

You go to bowling to pay and find yourself a table on the opposite side of the room with a book and a cuppa.

Maybe have a family birthday tea with cake and nan can join in there .

It's hard if you have a teenager who's young for their age - you get so used to being present at everything. Now's the time to drop the rope! Make sure she can get there safely and pay online if possible for entries, then give her money to spend and pick her up afterwards. Meanwhile you could take your mum out for a meal to thank her for everything she does for your daughter.

Does her nan even want to go bowling?

I think it sounds very sensible. Bowling for the teenagers and then nan comes to join you all for the sit down meal. What's not to like?

Why aren’t you letting her have a birthday party with her mates?

Do completely separate events, bowling and meal just for her friends and another day a family only meal, where she might be more willing to invite her nana.
Or even just a family gathering at home with a cake and snacks and you can invite the nana seeing as it's literally your house.

I’d be surprised if Nan really wanted to be at a teens’ bowling party tbh. My Mum (70s) would hate it and complain about the loud music incessantly 😂. Invite her round for a party tea instead.

Separate friends and family things at that age.
I used to have an evening out with my friends and then a meal with family on another day.