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Original poster

Fucking fuming - child maintenance review

474 replies

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:20

Got child maintenance review today. DC dad declared he earned £13,248 last financial year. He claims he works 6 days a week and is always late picking dc up due to work and works every weekend even the Saturdays he has dc. He owes £1254 in arrears via the cms and £2500 from before I applied to the cms (obviously I have written that off) so now I get the princely sum of £29.30 a week but not before cms have taken their 4%.
is this a joke? How do men like this have no shame? I know there is nothing to be done I am just venting. I have never included his money in my budget thank god but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I work full time and I work hard but why do men think this is ok? Why do the girlfriends think this is ok? Why do the father’s parents think this is ok? I have 3 boys and no way would I be congratulating them on avoiding maintenance.
Oh, and he’s a plasterer 🤣
Fucking patriarchy.

OP posts:
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6
Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 23:16

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:08

No he wont, but saying no each time sets out that the worm is turning.

Do you have a court order? If not I suggest you look into getting one, you dont need a solicitor (although obviously it makes it easier), you can represent yourself. I can recommend a couple of amazing MNers who did just that and will help you x

Show quote history

We have a Child Arrangement Order. He can’t get into trouble if he is late/misses a weekend. I have to make sure dc is available as per the CAO. It’s even written in how many times he has to call dc. He never sticks to it. We have been to court twice each time because he wanted to reduce time then he bottled it in front of the judge and asked for stupid things like every single weekend and all school holidays but no school pick ups 🙄 Judge saw through him and made him do 2 pick ups and 2 drop offs a month even though he lives 40 miles away and he never stuck to
oh and as per the CAO he is supposed to have dc 2 separate weeks in the summer holidays, equal bank holidays and half Christmas holidays - guess how many times that has happened because oh, he’s working! Even the EOW frequently gets cancelled and when dc does go up there doesn’t see his dad on the Saturday because he is working!

OP posts:
AgathaCristina · 21/08/2025 23:17

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 22:41

This was posted on the other thread I started (I know that’s a no no!) Why couldn’t this work?

Can I have a link to that post please?

Dutchhouse14 · 21/08/2025 23:17

How can he be running a business earning less than the minimum wage, I think they should be given an ultimatum 6 monthsto turn around your business or get a job that at least pays the minimum wage. CMS should have the right to look into financial detail s/ bank accounts etc.
And society should be saying this isn't OK, I would be horrified if my son behaved like that.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:19

ARichtGoodDram · 21/08/2025 23:12

Can I suggest one tweak - Where a paying parent repeatedly fails to pay, deductions could be made directly from salary or bank accounts without lengthy delays or repeated CMS interventions. - this should be should rather than could as CMS can already, without court order, take money on a regular basis or as a one off from bank accounts.

They rarely do it as they prefer the DEO approach but for men who quit their job as soon as that happens they should be taking large sums from their bank accounts without warning.

Although when I worked for CMS I was told I was "too aggressive" in my thinking for this stance.

Show quote history

Your last sentence is exactly why this system is unfit for purpose.

They are so aggressive in their efforts to avoid payment, but the department set up to combat that isnt equally as aggressive in its response.

Thank you for trying. I once spoke to a man at CSA (back in the day) who took one look at my ex's arrears and ordered the max deduction from earnings that month. Apparently ex went BONKERS. I will remember that man until the day I die. All of the people I spoke to were sympathetic but felt their hands were tied. He just went ahead and did it. I often wondered if he was a temp or on a FTC or was leaving so there would be little to no comeback on him. He was a hero.

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:22

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 23:16

We have a Child Arrangement Order. He can’t get into trouble if he is late/misses a weekend. I have to make sure dc is available as per the CAO. It’s even written in how many times he has to call dc. He never sticks to it. We have been to court twice each time because he wanted to reduce time then he bottled it in front of the judge and asked for stupid things like every single weekend and all school holidays but no school pick ups 🙄 Judge saw through him and made him do 2 pick ups and 2 drop offs a month even though he lives 40 miles away and he never stuck to
oh and as per the CAO he is supposed to have dc 2 separate weeks in the summer holidays, equal bank holidays and half Christmas holidays - guess how many times that has happened because oh, he’s working! Even the EOW frequently gets cancelled and when dc does go up there doesn’t see his dad on the Saturday because he is working!

Edited
Show quote history

Not surprised. My ex saw them for 2 years and then disappeared completely.

GO TO BED!! You need your sleep in order to change the bloody world!!

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 23:23

Cherry on the cake was for once dc birthday was on a weekend (happened to be my weekend) so I messaged ex a few weeks before and said dc would love to wake up at yours on his birthday as never normally gets the chance so I am happy to bring him to you Friday night and pick him up Saturday morning as he is celebrating with his mates Saturday afternoon. Response? Didn’t occur to me I would be seeing him and I’ve booked a weekend away in Manchester and the hotel is already paid for! So not only did he not even think about asking to see his dc on his birthday when it finally falls on a weekend he also tells me he is paying for a weekend away and then in a separate message tells me he will struggle to contribute towards uniform (going up to secondary so all new) as he is skint 🤦🏽‍♀️ (he lives too far away so has never seen dc on his actual birthday)

OP posts:
ARichtGoodDram · 21/08/2025 23:23

Thank you for trying. I once spoke to a man at CSA (back in the day) who took one look at my ex's arrears and ordered the max deduction from earnings that month. Apparently ex went BONKERS. I will remember that man until the day I die. All of the people I spoke to were sympathetic but felt their hands were tied. He just went ahead and did it. I often wondered if he was a temp or on a FTC or was leaving so there would be little to no comeback on him. He was a hero.

He was probably leaving.

I quit after getting a proper bollocking for how I handled a case. Basically I got in shit for not allowing a man "just one more month" to pay his arrears. He hadn't paid a penny for four YEARS and had moved address and changed bank accounts repeatedly.

He complained and in the dealing with the complaint I was bollocked for being too aggressive in my approach.

Not my manner, I was polite and professional, and I followed the official guidance, but my two managers felt I was too aggressive.

Plus when you consider the poor quality of training there are a lot of staff who genuinely don't realise that there is more that could be done.

Original poster
aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 23:25

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:22

Not surprised. My ex saw them for 2 years and then disappeared completely.

GO TO BED!! You need your sleep in order to change the bloody world!!

Show quote history

I’m going to bed 🤣

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:27

ARichtGoodDram · 21/08/2025 23:23

Thank you for trying. I once spoke to a man at CSA (back in the day) who took one look at my ex's arrears and ordered the max deduction from earnings that month. Apparently ex went BONKERS. I will remember that man until the day I die. All of the people I spoke to were sympathetic but felt their hands were tied. He just went ahead and did it. I often wondered if he was a temp or on a FTC or was leaving so there would be little to no comeback on him. He was a hero.

He was probably leaving.

I quit after getting a proper bollocking for how I handled a case. Basically I got in shit for not allowing a man "just one more month" to pay his arrears. He hadn't paid a penny for four YEARS and had moved address and changed bank accounts repeatedly.

He complained and in the dealing with the complaint I was bollocked for being too aggressive in my approach.

Not my manner, I was polite and professional, and I followed the official guidance, but my two managers felt I was too aggressive.

Plus when you consider the poor quality of training there are a lot of staff who genuinely don't realise that there is more that could be done.

Ridiculous, they should have simply explained that these are the rules. Tough. I wonder why they didnt.

But like I say, thank you for trying.

NautilusLionfish · 21/08/2025 23:32

PyongyangKipperbang · 21/08/2025 23:19

Your last sentence is exactly why this system is unfit for purpose.

They are so aggressive in their efforts to avoid payment, but the department set up to combat that isnt equally as aggressive in its response.

Thank you for trying. I once spoke to a man at CSA (back in the day) who took one look at my ex's arrears and ordered the max deduction from earnings that month. Apparently ex went BONKERS. I will remember that man until the day I die. All of the people I spoke to were sympathetic but felt their hands were tied. He just went ahead and did it. I often wondered if he was a temp or on a FTC or was leaving so there would be little to no comeback on him. He was a hero.

Show quote history

I remember a cousin and a friend in RSA. Both women had feckless exes. Court ordered one to appear in court. They also can take it directly from salary. Its called garnish and quite a few men dont like it as it appears on your work record (at least finance and HR know).

Its a real shame that CMS avoidance is not taken seriously in this country. Legally I mean

AgathaCristina · 21/08/2025 23:34

My ex didn't pay in a year, he is self employed earning cash in hand. I talked with CMS and they say I need to provide evidence. I called again when I had emails from him telling me he was late to pick up our children as he was working. They said is not enough evidence as I don't know where he works etc..

tinygingermum · 21/08/2025 23:43

My child’s dad told me that I wouldn’t need to go through CMS because he would provide well for her and that any man that doesn’t provide for their child is scum. £100 a month is what he thinks is in his words ‘paying for her to have everything she needs and a good life’ absolute joker

Theunamedcat · 21/08/2025 23:44

Parky04 · 21/08/2025 20:39

The majority of men don't want kids. They agree, just to keep partner/wife happy. It's no surprise they won't support them if the relationship breaks down!!

Bullshit men like to breed they are not raised in a society that punishes them for abandoning the consequences of their actions if it were frowned upon more in society to be a deadbeat if men were held accountable for abandoning children they wouldn't do it but we make it so easy with our bitter baby mama drama trope no-one cared how I ran my life no-one cared that my ex didn't see his kids right up to the point where I claimed child support at that point suddenly I became the one in the wrong he was a VICTIM of a bitter baby mama suddenly he wasn't just not seeing his kids suddenly I was keeping them away he plays on it going up to people telling them he has "no idea" why he "cant" see his kids what he doesn't actually do is contact them arrange to see them or actually pay money for them

Fucking pathetic

glam11 · 21/08/2025 23:44

OP if you do start a campaign please do share details on here so I can add my support. I have a friend in similar situation to yours and it makes my blood boil!!

Hippee · 21/08/2025 23:45

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:40

Because the money doesn’t go anywhere near his bank account. It goes straight into his pocket. He pays cash for everything.

Show quote history

Report him for tax evasion. My parents got done and they hadn't evaded paying tax - they were just so tight that the taxman didn't believe they could live on what they said they could.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 21/08/2025 23:53

In the states they'll take their driver's licenses, business licenses, passports, etc if child support falls into arrears. And if carries on until retirement, they'll take their social security (state pension money) to pay it back.... It doesn't go away.

Theroadt · 21/08/2025 23:54

He has obviously got lots more money he takes as cash and doesn’t declare for tax. Quite apart from child support issue (which is awful) I hope he doesn’t need a hospital, or drive on roads, or want a burglary investigated by police…I pay my taxes in full and deeply resent it.

mommatoone · 21/08/2025 23:54

Mine pissed off abroad so he didn't have to pay. CMS ' forgot' to send me the letter that he had left the country!.I've spent the last 4 years going through the enforcement service to try and get something. Absolute piss take.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/08/2025 23:54

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 21/08/2025 23:53

In the states they'll take their driver's licenses, business licenses, passports, etc if child support falls into arrears. And if carries on until retirement, they'll take their social security (state pension money) to pay it back.... It doesn't go away.

Love that. ❤️

rubberduck22 · 21/08/2025 23:57

SurvivalInstinctsOfABakedPotato · 21/08/2025 22:48

It's utterly disgusting

If Universal credit can now monitor accounts and you have to literally tell them what you spend your money on during a review (I literally had to explain each time I took cash out of my own bank and why I spent a certain amount in a furniture shop 🤦) then why the fuck can't they do the same with men that don't pay CM?!

They should have their accounts trawled through and asked about every penny

And if UC can take over payments straight from your bank then so should the CMS

It's a bullshit system that if it were women refusing to pay men as much as men refuse to pay women then it would already have been sorted by government

Disgusting! Too true!

valentinka31 · 22/08/2025 00:02

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:20

Got child maintenance review today. DC dad declared he earned £13,248 last financial year. He claims he works 6 days a week and is always late picking dc up due to work and works every weekend even the Saturdays he has dc. He owes £1254 in arrears via the cms and £2500 from before I applied to the cms (obviously I have written that off) so now I get the princely sum of £29.30 a week but not before cms have taken their 4%.
is this a joke? How do men like this have no shame? I know there is nothing to be done I am just venting. I have never included his money in my budget thank god but that doesn’t mean I don’t need it! I work full time and I work hard but why do men think this is ok? Why do the girlfriends think this is ok? Why do the father’s parents think this is ok? I have 3 boys and no way would I be congratulating them on avoiding maintenance.
Oh, and he’s a plasterer 🤣
Fucking patriarchy.

the girlfriends are yes-women and reprehensible. Maybe the same will happen to them and their kids one day. Then they'll feel it.

My daughter's father pays not one pence, and constantly complains that he has no money, while he lives with a she-devil who literally stole money from me via him and gloats over having it in the bank. Her ex pays for everything.

These men are weak, selfish, and have no morals or sense of proper responsibility, and they don't deserve to be fathers.

In my humble opinion. I'm sorry @aremenreallysuchcunts . Yes, some of them are.

rubberduck22 · 22/08/2025 00:09

PractisingMyTelekenipsis · 21/08/2025 23:01

In the case of my ex's wife its because her ex didn't pay for their dc so she didn't see why my ex should pay for ours.

@aremenreallysuchcunts I'm happy to get involved some how. Now that my DC are adults I'm less worried about pissing their father off.

Show quote history

Honestly shocking!

DebbieHurry · 22/08/2025 00:11

So unjust. All of it

Rainbowqueeen · 22/08/2025 00:16

Well done OP.

Can I make a few suggestions:

  1. we all need to stop paying cash in hand for work.
  2. we also need a public campaign to make non-payment something shameful.

As far as law changes, I am not in the UK but a couple of suggestions:

In Australia if you are in arrears then you cannot leave the country until the arrears are paid. it flags up when someone tries to clear customs at the airport. I think this would be fantastic in the UK as so many more people travel abroad.

If someone is working full time then child support should be assessed on minimum wage, not whatever they disclose as their wage. If they are building up a business and therefore earn less than minimum wage they would be also receiving UC to top up their income. The base line assumption needs to be that they are not declaring income because who would work full time for less than minimum wage without claiming benefits??

Please don't all write exactly the same letter to your MPs. They tend to ignore bulk letters that say exactly the same thing. You are all smart women. Use your own words. MPs tend to take more notice of personalised letters because they know that takes effort and effort means that it is a genuine concern. Going along to meet with your MP when they hold a clinic would also be a good idea. Make some noise. Be impossible to ignore.

Good luck

RedRock41 · 22/08/2025 00:24

aremenreallysuchcunts · 21/08/2025 20:31

I have to laugh because otherwise I will cry - the world really is built for men. It’s a disgrace.
Why does nothing get done about these losers?

All valid points OP. Guess bottom line is any ‘Dad’ who needs a government agency to compel them to make sure their kids don’t go without always had it’s work cut out… the decent ones would do it anyways. F’ing patriarchy is right.

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