Husbands expensive hobby

[Leo2001]

My partner has a hobby he's extremely interested in if not abit strange but he spends alot of disposable income in it, he is disabled so it is important he has interests and there are social gatherings on occasions and events for such a hobby, but he has a disposable income of around 300 a month and pretty much all goes on this hobby with a extensive collection of goods!
I have no issue other than his collection is now growing and is obviously gaining value and he keeps asking for extra cash, ogh so and so has this for sale and it's gonna be around 400 to 500 pounds, this has happened around twice this year already and has come out the "" joint""pot, without sounding mean I am the one who works in order to give us this disposable income yet my spending money pays for any activities meals out etc and I'm beginning to get peed off with all his money going on his hobby and not a meal he pays for a change!!! Aibu?

(Posting again for attn of OP @Leo2001

A quote from diecastparkingapp.com
with regard to investment in (diecast) miniature cars (I know nothing about them tbh, just looked this up - it's an app for miniature car collectors.)

So OP it's seemingly NOT that much of an investment.

"Long-Term vs. Short-Term Investment
Diecast model cars are generally better suited for long-term investment rather than quick profits. It may take years, or even decades, for a model to appreciate significantly in value. Patience and a genuine interest in collecting are essential for this type of investment."

Just say no you need to budget. He can pay it from his PIP and leave the household money alone
Tell him you'll remove him from the joint if he dips in without warning - he has a budget!! Not like you're financially abusing him
Your kids won't want his junk and they won't be worth much. He either needs to be buying and selling them frequently like stocks, refurbing/fixing/customising them for fun, being an eBay seller or tamper down his obsession and spends
He obvs gets a buzz and social interaction from it so maybe he needs to join some other groups. Book clubs, social clubs, men's sheds, heck even warhammer/figure collecting and painting

I'd go further than that and say that they are not even a long term investment unless you are talking in several hundred years time post apocalypse. An app for collectors is NEVER going to say "don't waste your money you bunch of losers"

Coincidentally the auction house locally has over 400 lots of die cast cars and planes (with a few mags, boats and Lego thrown in) on sale tomorrow. They seem to have bundled sets together so a set of say 30 die cast cars, in boxes they estimate them going for between £40 and £80. If he's spending £300+ month on miniature cars you house must be bursting at the seams .

He sounds obsessive and he's getting a massive dopamine hit from buying them. He might as well be gambling.

I wouldn't subsidise extra for his purchases. I'd also be treating myself, and myself alone to nights out/takeaways etc if he's got no money left to share the cost, and it's coming out of your spending money.

Just say the hobby for goodness sake!

She did.

This first post is exactly what I was thinking!

Would he agree to a one-in one-out policy?
That for each new car he wants to buy, he first must sell one he already has?
That would both keep the collection size reasonable, and generate income to pay for itself

Ah yes, a few physically disabled people have jobs that pay (when you take out travelling expenses etc), so of course, every physically disabled person can work. Because we've all got those qualifications and are surrounded by employers willing to facilitate total wfh, accommodate side effects of pain meds etc and any appointments.

OP, if you'd have said books, which MNers seem to like to hoard, then you'd have got replies just around budgeting. He needs alongside hobbies and fair budgeting conversations. Unless you want out of your marriage and this is just one of your resentments.

Absolutely not on OP.

I am disabled, often housebound, my only income is benefits. I'm fortunate enough to live with family who don't ask for contributions towards bills so all my money goes on my specific bills like phone bills, previous debts, etc. I have a little bit of money left over each month for hobbies, and I'd never dream of asking someone else to pay for my hobby and I always make sure that I factor into my budget doing fun things with my family, and being part of a whole family unit.

You can accept he cannot help being disabled and needing support for his general wellbeing, but you can also agree that you didn't agree to be his mum, and he still has to be a functional partner, and that means using some of that money towards family life, dates, romance, and not just his hobby.

Run them over the floor going ‘brmmm, brmmm’ I should imagine.

NO!!!! that trashes the "value" Collectors will even keep purchases sealed in the DELIVERY box they came in with the display box inside it. They never even see the item they have purchased.

if the collector had collected books by filling the house with them, spending more on new reprints sold as collectibles than the item is worth and calling it "investment" I for one would be giving the same answer. Again, the books that are worth money are in good condition, first editions, and not originally sold as collectors items.

He appears to be massively overpaying for what he has bought. He'd need to agree to around 5 or 10 out to 1 in to even make this even possibly viable!

In case anyone wonders how I know this stuff, I vaguely collect teddy bears. I do it for my own pleasure and don't see them as "investments" I have looked into the world of serious collectors and was gobsmacked. In the chat groups there is a constant refrain of "I thought I'd make money and I won't even get back what I paid"

This is massively unreasonable behaviour on his part, to the point where it sounds like a mental health issue. I don't see much difference between 'collecting' in this irrational way and gambling or hoarding. It's damaging the household finances, which will affect your own MH too.

At the very least, the unfairness of you earning the money and him spending it on a private obsession is affecting your relationship. The fact that he argues it's an investment would tell me he's not facing reality. But I bet he dismisses any objections on that score.

Sounds like he's bored, lonely, probably a bit depressed, and this gives him a kind of community and a reason to get up in the morning. Can't be easy being disabled, but him creating a tat mountain in the hope it might be worth something isn't a healthy solution for either of you.

I don't know what to advise. Involve him more in the management of the household finances, maybe? It would give him a valuable role and take the pressure off you. Also, let him turn his apparent investment skills to running a budget, and he might realise how much of a toll his hobby is taking on you, as well as the family finances.

Anyway, it's certainly not unreasonable of you to feel the way you do.

He can’t afford to have a girlfriend.

What exactly are the benefits of this relationship op? You don’t seem to come first, you don’t get treated, and he sounds incredibly immature to be begging for new toys out of the household money. My teenage dc understand that much.

Is that you DW writing in?

I must confess Matchbox and I have had a 60+ year relationship.

However to spend this much money I think we are talking 1/43 scale or bigger collectors models.

Any collecting hobby can develop into something bigger than we intend or can honestly justify, something addictive.

I have my notional limits. No silly eBay purchases, no mail order from the US (postage costs more than the car) When our children were younger I had pocket money, a roughly set sum per week.

Are they worth anything - those sold as investments less so - because so many bought them at the time. You try selling Models of Yesteryear or Lledo models nowadays. All sold with an implied future increase in value.

I get them because I like them. Some of mine are worth a bob or two - but this isn't predictable, and it's only a few. Some because of rarity value - because few were made, because they were fragile and an intact unbroken model is rare or some were unpopular at the time. (Matchbox Ford Fiesta in red, 60s Harley Davidson with intact handlebars, 1060sLambretta scooter + sidecar respectively.)

My late BIL collected - but in different league to me. £60-80 each. He was addicted and spent more than he could afford although some of this didn't become clear until after his death. He bought anything and everything.

His are now in the process of being sold by a specialist auction house. So some of the money spent is coming back to my DS. Hard to say if they are being sold at a lot or profit.

Like all collecting - buy what you like, like what you buy.

So to the OP - I think you need to set limits, money, space etc. May be suggest other model car related outlets - making/converting them, trading them properly?

Must finish - off to B&M and Poundland to see what's new there!

Most couples that share money are responsible. My husband has always put his family first.

I am the one who works in order to give us this disposable income yet my spending money pays for any activities meals out etc and I'm beginning to get peed off with all his money going on his hobby and not a meal he pays for a change!!!

YANBU. He has 300 a month disposable income which is a decent amount. he needs to budget out of that for his hobby and that means saving up for a few months if he wants a more expensive car.

I don't think it's on that all of his disposable money goes on the hobby and yours has to go on things for both of you such as activities and meals and then what is left after that is yours to spend. It's not equal.

I think you should tell him that it's not working for you because you are having to pay for all joint activities and so you want to take the total amount of disposable income available each month and first set aside, say, 150 pounds for joint activities and meals out. Then the rest of the disposable income will be divided by two. That means his disposable income will then be less but it's fairer.
I would be really resentful if I was having to work and ended up having much less disposable income because my DH was spending all of his on a hobby and not contributing towards joint activities.

My hobbie is no secret i knit.
I love knitting.
How hard is it to say what we do as hobbies.

Tell him your new hobby is collecting jewellery and you can’t sub him because of the costs involved in pursuing your new hobby.

looking at the prices he's paying, I doubt if he has trading expertise.

my father in law was extremely stingy with most thigns and especially gifts fro there people. money was tight but he spent horrendous amounts on model trains and it got so bad they got in debt and had to remortgage the house and borrow money form family. my husabnd picked up his ways and his frugality nearly killed me leading me to a terribel breakdwon. I had no money for hobbies of my own and spent nothing on them. I nearly died form this breakdwon and havent been able to work fro eight years.

Id simply say no.
You have £300 a month for self spends, the same as me. We are on a budget.