DP being insensitive about not proposing, or is it me?

[Marathonagain]

I’ve been with my DP 4 years, we have a house and a baby.

He knows marriage is important to me and has always said he wants this too. But in the past year he has been more vague and casual on the subject whenever asked.

He had a friend round yesterday, they were discussing people they used to go to College with and haven’t seen for years. One girl was mentioned and my DP said he’d seen her out last year and that she has ‘aged well and unsurprisingly has been wifed off’.

His friend then mentioned someone DP was seeing many years ago. His response was basically ‘yeah we were never suited, she was not going to be marriage material. She gave a cracking blow job though’ and both of them started laughing.

His comments just make me feel like I’m not good enough to be married. The pretty girl obviously is ‘wifed off’ as he put it and the girl only good enough for a sexual favour isn’t.

Am I being over sensitive or is he a prick?

Why did you choose to breed with this low level, misogynistic scum? And why in god's name would you even think about marrying him, let alone actually want to?

Hi, I have read replies thank you. I knew AIBU could be brutal but wow 😂the honesty is appreciated but I am never going to propose to a man and waiting for marriage before kids wasn’t going to happen given my age x

Who the hell told you to propose to him?! Literally everyone is saying leave him!!! He sounds absolutely fucking horrendous!

I hope your child together isn't a girl, what a horrible misogynistic

Sadly if he wanted to marry you he would have done by now.

Not sadly I really don't think you would be better off marrying a man like him.

I would take a long hard look at this relationship now.

Why was waiting “never going to happen given your age”? That makes literally no sense. You can get married in less time than it takes to create a baby, save for and procure a house.

Do you think desperation for a baby made you have one with such a disgusting man?

For a relatively short OP there is an awful lot to unpack but I think the crux of it is he is horrible and you won’t be getting married.

A man who actually wants to marry you won’t want to wait.

you made a choice to prioritize having a baby. If you are happy with the relationship aside from
the lack of marriage, then don’t wait for a proposal, just be an adult and have a discussion about the important legal implications of marriage. You can protect one another and your shared child’s financial interests with a quick visit to the registry office. If he won’t proceed, you can decide if you want to stay in the relationship, but at least you will know where you stand.

' and waiting for marriage before kids wasn’t going to happen given my age '

I disagree.

You were 33 when you met him ?

I met my dh at around 34 ish, engaged, married then child all by 37.

He doesn't need to marry you, does he?

He's got all the advantages of a married man - wife, home and baby - with none of the responsibilities. If marriage is important to you, you have done things in the wrong order.

He is clearly not a good person and the only reason you might marry him now is to protect your legal position when you subsequently get divorced. I can't see him doing that though, because it's not in his interests.

The best thing you can do now is leave while your dignity is intact and make sure that you are married before you have any more children with someone else.

Bet the baby has his surname as well.

Horrible attitudes and behaviour by your partner. On top of refusing marriage that’d be the end of the relationship for me.

Really hope your DC has your surname, that you still work full time and have made no compromises over your paid work that your partner hasn’t also made.

Sorry, you work part time? YABU for that: go back to full time asap

He’s a prick and will never marry you.

Its not great you heard him saying all this, however all the "disgusting" comments like he's the worst guy in the world are a bit much.

Have none of us ever said "yeah he was a great shag, but wouldnt wanted to have married him".

I don’t think he is marriage material.

Always the case. Cos tradition, or something. Even though it’s not.

You could very easily have married between discovering you were pregnant and actually giving birth - and before you were showing, if that worried you. I don’t imagine the man who impregnated you gave that any thought.

This is what we did. Got engaged at around 5m pregnant, married around 7m. Neither of us wanted anything fancy/formal. We didn't want to wait to try given my age and health but we also knew we wanted to be married by the time our baby arrived. I have loved attending the fancy elaborate weddings of friends and family, always lovely days, but there's something to be said about a very small, low-key, cheap wedding that takes a few hours to throw together. I loved it.

I'm so sorry. You have a very big problem and a very big decision to make. As someone else pointed out, it was a mistake to get a house and baby before the marriage. As my grandfather used to say, "why pay for the cow if you're getting free milk?" That's just the way most male minds operate. But that's water under the bridge now. You have a baby to consider, and that's a huge thing. I would go see a counsellor, separately and with your partner as well, if he will agree. Wishing you the very best of luck and sending a hug.

And tbh you did end your original post with “…is he a prick?”, so it’s obviously crossed your mind!

My reaction, and probably that of every woman who read or knows he’ll not just think, but SAY what he said, in front of you, his “girlfriend (?)” and the mother of his child, would come up with far worse descriptions than “prick”. For most it would be a boundary crossed, of disrespect and contempt, that is intolerable and impossible to forget, even if you could forgive.