DP being insensitive about not proposing, or is it me?

[Marathonagain]

I’ve been with my DP 4 years, we have a house and a baby.

He knows marriage is important to me and has always said he wants this too. But in the past year he has been more vague and casual on the subject whenever asked.

He had a friend round yesterday, they were discussing people they used to go to College with and haven’t seen for years. One girl was mentioned and my DP said he’d seen her out last year and that she has ‘aged well and unsurprisingly has been wifed off’.

His friend then mentioned someone DP was seeing many years ago. His response was basically ‘yeah we were never suited, she was not going to be marriage material. She gave a cracking blow job though’ and both of them started laughing.

His comments just make me feel like I’m not good enough to be married. The pretty girl obviously is ‘wifed off’ as he put it and the girl only good enough for a sexual favour isn’t.

Am I being over sensitive or is he a prick?

This is grim.
If you have a daughter, could you imagine someone referring to her in that way. Or a son, raising him to think speaking like that is okay.
The fact you’re even questioning your self worth, particularly after giving this man a child, breaks my heart. You deserve the world OP, never forget that. Don’t let this boyfriend keep you away from your husband.

Aw, he is either 1) not going to marry you or 2) make you wait/beg/plead until he eventually ‘agreed’ and then will forever more hold this over you. Awful.

Awful man. Whether he regards you as 'marriage material' or not is neither here nor there, he should love you and adore you, not rate you as a type of material!
He is contemptible. You and your child deserve so much better.

And let me guess, your child has his surname?

You've already agreed to start a family without getting married. Quite bluntly, he has no reason to agree to marry you now. If you were so keen on marriage there should have been a very frank discussion about this before you conceived, or if it was an accident, immediately after. None of this waiting around for a proposal nonsense and agreeing to have his kids with no financial or emotional commitment. Wish women would learn to bloody stand up for themselves and stop letting shit men trample all over them.

At his big age talking like that, I don’t know, it would really put me off.

You have a baby and a house with him.

Clearly marriage is not that important to you.

Grim, disrespectful, crude, sexist.. just urghhh!!

I honestly don’t have the words. His attitude is so utterly depressing.
If you’ve been together 4 years, have a house and baby, you should be able to have a direct conversation where you make it clear what you want, why and when. If that kind of conversation is not possible or he just continues to faff, just move on. I know that’s hard but honestly these things do not have to be this complicated. I’m minded to say move on anyway because of his attitude but that’s for you to decide. Best wishes.

The money is just an excuse.
It does not cost that much to get ' married ' in a Registry Office. Can be done in about a month or so.

But a wedding...
well that can be very different.

Am sorry you heard that conversation and discovered what vile opinions your partner holds of women. I would say from experience if he has the house, baby and said baby has been given his surname he has all he needs. He does not intend to marry you as his needs and legacy is fulfilled.

You should not have to prove you are worthy of marriage by the financial contribution you give to the household. You have given him a child ffs. That should be more than enough.

So, not wife material because you don’t earn enough for him.

I wouldn’t be happy with that myself.

It’s incredibly depressing thst your response to him being crass and insulting is to think ‘I’m not good enough to marry’ rather than ‘Shit, I accidentally had a baby with Sid the Sexist!’

I'm sorry but he is not going to marry you. I doubt he will have a change of heart. I recommend putting yourself first in every decision and not to become financially dependent on him. Plan for your own financial future. And don't become his domestic servant because you currently earn less. He wants the place tidy - he can pay for a cleaner, etc.

I’m shocked that you wanted a baby to have half of this absolute slug’s DNA.

(if marriage was important to you, having a baby first completely undermined that.)

He sounds awful, a full on misogynistic twat, but if marriage was important to you why did you have a baby first? Marriage was important to me so DH knew there was no way I'd contemplate children without being married first. Completely understand marriage isn't important to some and that's absolutely their choice, but if it is why would you buy a house and have a baby without being married first?

As it stands now, get your ducks in a row this isn't someone you want to be saddled with for life

baby and house before marriage so why would he bother. Your actions don’t suggest marriage is important to either of you.

Your DP subscribes to the ‘why buy the cow, when the milk is free‘ train of thought. You’ve had his baby and bought a house together without him needing to marry you. In his mind, he’s got the best of both worlds and is unlikely to want to change that scenario. He’s shown his true colours in admitting to it though, which gives you the opportunity to reassess if you want to be married to someone like that. I wouldn’t.

Fuck almighty, the bar is in hell.

Ffs. He's hardly loves young dream. Get rid.

Why would you want to be married to such a vile person?

So sorry, that must have been a shock for you, the realisation that he isn't going to marry you. I've been there.
I would have a frank conversation with him, if he doesn't give solid answers and is wishy washy then don't say anything... but then make plans to leave. For me it now comes down to his lack of respect for women with those comments, but mainly his lack of respect to you. He knows marriage is important to you, he has since changed the goal posts. I would secretly getting everything organised to split, including if your child has only his surname I would tell him that as you aren't getting married you want your kid to be double barrelled and get that legal name change made. After, I'd then leave him.
You trusted a man, built a life with him, have faith that he would stick to his word and also to the agreed plan knowing how important it was to you. You've done nothing wrong. But time to play his sneaky game and get the hell out of there.

If this is how your partner talks about women, I can't understand why you'd want to marry him. He sounds like a prick 🤮

Another woman for whom marriage is important, yet she's given him everything he'd get from a marriage without the commitment.

So why would he bother?

There are a lot of worrying things in your OP but perhaps the most worrying of all is, "Am I being over sensitive or is he a prick?"

'Wifed off', 'gave a cracking blowjob'.

This shitty excuse for a man has really done a number on you if you have to ask whether it's just you being sensitive.

When you have a child with a man before marriage, it gives them no reason to marry you.

You have left yourself very financially vulnerable here by having a child before marriage.

But saying that, not being married to him makes it much easier for you to end the relationship to this vile specimen - go find a decent man who will be honoured to marry you.