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Original poster

DP being insensitive about not proposing, or is it me?

121 replies

Marathonagain · 20/08/2025 20:35

I’ve been with my DP 4 years, we have a house and a baby.

He knows marriage is important to me and has always said he wants this too. But in the past year he has been more vague and casual on the subject whenever asked.

He had a friend round yesterday, they were discussing people they used to go to College with and haven’t seen for years. One girl was mentioned and my DP said he’d seen her out last year and that she has ‘aged well and unsurprisingly has been wifed off’.

His friend then mentioned someone DP was seeing many years ago. His response was basically ‘yeah we were never suited, she was not going to be marriage material. She gave a cracking blow job though’ and both of them started laughing.

His comments just make me feel like I’m not good enough to be married. The pretty girl obviously is ‘wifed off’ as he put it and the girl only good enough for a sexual favour isn’t.

Am I being over sensitive or is he a prick?

OP posts:
rainbowlou · 20/08/2025 23:52

Imagine the conversations he has when you’re not around.

Renoonabudget · 20/08/2025 23:57

Please tell me baby has your surname at least and you kept that privilege of not being married to him. Xx

I agree with others though, he's a sexist bastard and now he doesn't feel like he "needs" to marry you as he has everything he wants from you already. Baby and half the mortgage paid. If he marries you it gives you financial security whilst you're going through early years which is nearly always a financial blow to women. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.

You do all the family grunt work yet he gets to keep the fatter salary and protect his pension as if he were a single man and not a team, whilst also making contemptuous digs that you should earn more (just to let you know in his eyes who's the breadwinner and who's the drain), and he can also walk away whenever the mood takes him.

Honestly OP he sounds like a pig, you deserve so much more.

Hankunamatata · 21/08/2025 00:07

Well he is a charmer isn't he

To put it bluntly why would he marry. Doesn't offer him anything - he has house, partner and baby. He earns more. So cold logic there is no benefit for him.

I imagine he will drag his heels and never marry

Nevertrustacop · 21/08/2025 00:39

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/08/2025 20:53

Of course it can be important to her despite not doing things in the traditional order, it’s not the 1950s.

Show quote history

Hard disagree.
If women want something and it's important to them, they get it. They don't piss about waiting for it to happen.
Why in heavens name would a modern woman accept a man not marrying her if it was important to her?
Waiting for a proposal is the absolute epitome of the 1950s

littlebilliie · 21/08/2025 11:23

You are angry about the conversation, but in the overall you have built a life together.

i think if you want to marry, you need to make it really clear. At the moment it appears you are happy living together.

if you want to be married spell it out and get the life you want. If he doesn’t want to marry you then you have your answer

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 11:27

Nevertrustacop · 21/08/2025 00:39

Hard disagree.
If women want something and it's important to them, they get it. They don't piss about waiting for it to happen.
Why in heavens name would a modern woman accept a man not marrying her if it was important to her?
Waiting for a proposal is the absolute epitome of the 1950s

Show quote history

This your first time interacting with the human race or something? Not everyone goes after the things they want, that’s just normal human people. Some people fall for other people’s bullshit. It doesn’t make the OP some sort of drone with no feelings or desires, or any less of a woman.

NaiceBalonz · 21/08/2025 11:59

If he wanted to, he would. He doesn't so he hasn't. What you do with that knowledge is up to you.

VeryStressedMum · 21/08/2025 12:25

That's a shocking thing for him to say, especially in front of you. He had zero respect for you and does not want to marry you.
He sees you as a way to have a child and a financial means to an end to be a home owner, that's it. But now you have to step up and make more money for him.
Why are you so stuck on being married to a man who is categorically not marriage material

BauhausOfEliott · 21/08/2025 12:45

Why the hell would you want to marry this dickhead? He's a misogynist with a madonna-whore complex.

dagoo · 21/08/2025 12:58

He's not going to marry you OP. If he wanted to, he would have proposed by now. He sounds like an absolute arse

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:17

BauhausOfEliott · 21/08/2025 12:45

Why the hell would you want to marry this dickhead? He's a misogynist with a madonna-whore complex.

What is a Madonna-whore complex??

Clychaugog · 21/08/2025 13:19

I was going suggest that you propose til I read the whole thing... what an arsehole. I'd be binning off rather than marrying.

VeryStressedMum · 21/08/2025 13:20

BauhausOfEliott · 21/08/2025 12:45

Why the hell would you want to marry this dickhead? He's a misogynist with a madonna-whore complex.

There’s nothing the op has written that suggests this complex, he’s just a toxic misogynist.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/08/2025 13:21

ToKittyornottoKitty · 21/08/2025 13:17

What is a Madonna-whore complex??

Show quote history

That women fall into two camps, one for shagging, one for mothering the kids.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 21/08/2025 13:22

I hope you're not financially disavantaging yourself in any way. If he is saying that you should bring in more money, whilst simultaneously being happy that you work part time to save nursery fees / do his share of childcare and drop offs and pick ups and kid sick days etc then he is a pretty horrible person and you need to take steps to financially protect yourself

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/08/2025 13:22

He doesn't sound like husband material tbh.

dottiedodah · 21/08/2025 13:31

Well he sounds rather sexist .Is he always likes this ? Had he had a few drinks (no excuse if he had though) He is being unfair to you Marriage is more than a ring and piece of paper .It shows he wants to make a serious commitment to you and care for you .Think carefully esp before having more DC with him

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2025 13:37

He sounds like a misogynistic idiot. Just as well you're not married to him - why would you want to be?

SylvanianFamiliesBalcony · 21/08/2025 13:47

wtf.

So he's openly saying another woman is 'unsurprisingly' married because of how attractive she is. Where you can overhear him. Knowing you want marriage, and he doesn't.

I believe he's negging you to try and crumble your self-esteem so you'll put up and shut up, continue sharing expenses with him and sleeping with him, and co-raising his child. But he will never commit.

As soon as he finds 'the one' he'll be off like a rocket, and if you push too hard for marriage he'll bail.

What a horrible house of sand to have built your life on with a child involved. Only you can decide what to do with here. Thank goodness you know who he is instead of being hoodwinked.

Starlight1984 · 21/08/2025 14:03

His response was basically ‘yeah we were never suited, she was not going to be marriage material. She gave a cracking blow job though’

Sorry, have I read this right? Your partner (and father of your child) said this? In front of you?!

Catcatcat111 · 21/08/2025 14:06

He sounds utterly vile. Sounds like he has no respect for you at all.

Starlight1984 · 21/08/2025 14:06

Betsy95 · 20/08/2025 21:43

He’s being a massive prick.
So disrespectful to you.

This is why I’m staying single and being my own husband … make a far better job of it 😂

Not all men are like this. Thank fuck.

My DH would be absolutely fuming if one of his mates said this in front of their wife / partner (not that they would) and would 100% pull them on it.

Lotsofthings · 21/08/2025 14:23

Sorry you are getting stick on here. Your situation comes up all the time on Mumsnet so you aren’t alone by any stretch. I don’t think there is any problem with prioritising having kids at your age, otherwise you could still be waiting to move forward in your life. Your only leverage is to put off anything he wants until after you are married, second child, next house, holiday till honeymoon, car etc. and I would suggest continuing date night to still be in girlfriend boyfriend wooing stage rather than just be too comfy at home. Don’t do everything at home, don’t do wifely jobs without the status.

EuclidianGeometryFan · 21/08/2025 14:40

If you don't want to end the relationship, at least look into the legal stuff assuming you will remain unmarried:

Wills
Power of attorney, including for medical things (at present if he was in a coma you would get no say and the doctors would ask his parents about his care).
Is the house joint tenants or tenants in common - know the difference and the implications for inheritance.

What is your pension situation as a single person?

If he doesn't leave you for a younger woman at some point in the next decade, he may agree to marry when you are both in your 60s/70s, for inheritance tax and private pension inheritance purposes.