AIBU to stop posting and giving advice on mumsnet

[ItsSappingMyEnergy]

I've been on mumsnet for years, and have name changed for this. I feel like recently I have given a lot of well received advice on various posts, only for them to seemingly go nowhere, no resolution, or real difference made in the end.
AIBU to just stop giving advice, I will still read posts, but I feel like we are all giving our advice and knowledge, which uses our time and energy, for nothing.
I don't personally know anyone on here, should I just save my energy for people i know in real life?
It's frustrating to invest in a thread that ends suddenly with no further information given on how things worked out.
I'm starting to think it isn't healthy at all, despite the fact I know some people really need help.

It’s annoying and frustrating when you don’t really know the ending. There was one recently where I wrote a lengthy post about how to deal with a situation. It got lots of likes and replies saying ‘this’ and then the OP never came back.

It was one where the OP was on holiday and her DH and her friend were leaving her behind to go running and paddle boarding.

If you’re investing and feeling as though you’re depleting your emotional and physical energy then yes. In any situation, only give as much of yourself as you don’t mind losing.

You can’t treat other people’s lives as novels or movies. People in difficult situations often don’t have the bandwidth to come back and update. Or life gets in the way and they forget. Or they get upset by some of the answers and duck out. That’s the internet. But, whilst the OP might not return to package everything up with a nice bow and provide a happy ending to the audience to round off their engagement nicely, there may well be plenty of other people just reading in the background with a similar situation who do find the advice helps them.

I remember that one. I'm starting to feel like all I am doing is letting complete strangers vent at me, listen to my advice, then walk off like nothing happened. I wouldn't put up with it in real life.

I think many posters only make posts to vent.

Maybe I need a break, I do hope things turn out well for people though.

Why have you felt it necessary to name change? I doubt if anyone's advice on here matters enough to make any difference whether they stay or go. Of course if you're expending energy with insufficient reward for you, you're free to stop doing it.

When I open a thread I click see all on the OP and if they've not returned to the thread after 24 hours they probably won't.

You are not owed an explanation or an update. Other peoples lives are not entertainment.

I feel the same, @ItsSappingMyEnergy - and have specifically thought today that it might be better if I just stopped. I like feeling useful (and used to be paid to be right), but I’m recognising that almost all the words and energy expended here are pretty much wasted.

Which leaves me with no safe threads except The Archers!

It isn’t the same. If your real life friend is sitting next to you talking about and asking for your advice on their problem, they are specifically involving you and requesting your support. And they should show gratitude for the time they requested from you and whether it helped. When somebody on the internet posts an open thread, they are simply providing a platform for those who feel they have something they want to say to engage if they want to. Unlike a friend, who isn’t really giving you the option, responding on the internet is entirely optional and comes without strings - in both directions: if the OP returns and responds to you, you’re under no obligation to read that response or give anything more.

If someone has said what I’m thinking i don’t add to it anyway as what’s the point?

generally I think the posts help others tho if not the original op. I’ve certainly learned all sorts from threads I don’t start

It’s really not a question of other people’s lives being entertainment, @MartinAynuss - certainly not for me. I just rarely feel I’ve done any good or actually helped in any way …

Maybe you did and maybe you didn't help, why do you need to know? So you get a warm fuzzy feeling? Isn't it enough that you might have done good?

Seems to me you just want validation.

I'm starting to feel like all I am doing is letting complete strangers vent at me, listen to my advice, then walk off like nothing happened. I wouldn't put up with it in real life.

Well, yes, that is what an online forum is. Similarly, other users are doing you a service by reading what you post. It is reciprocal in that sense. No one owes you anything more for posting, certainly not an update.

Presumably you get some gratification out of posting? It is good to get one's thoughts in order to by writing them out for others to read, and if nothing else, it passes the time. You shouldn't see your posts as some sort of benefaction.

No, you are not being unreasonable.

IME, the most 'dramatic' threads are ones where posters are usually 90% in agreement with advice so if the OP reads half of the posts, they will take away the message.

Often if I post I feel I'm usually saying what's been said a 100 times already.

Increasingly, I've reported threads which raise suspicion, sometimes due to inconsistencies. I may have my post here deleted, but although MN says they investigate, unless the poster has a 'history' they can never be sure any posts are genuine. They tend to leave them because traffic to the site helps their advertisers and their own revenue.

None of us can expect 'closure' on threads which is why you shouldn't give out more than you can spare the time for, as you never know if the poster will come back or even if it was real.

But that is what’s happening. You’re sharing your views and advice with complete strangers who don’t owe you an outcomes. I’ve also seen OPs being completely castigated for not immediately making life changing decisions on the advice from people on a thread, who seem to have no sense that big decisions take time and consideration.

The basic rule of not giving more than you can afford is a good one.

I have found my old threads of things relevant to my life now, and the advice helped me. So, to the point above, you aren’t always going to know who is reading when and what your words can be.

Well you should definitely not give any more than you want or enjoy giving on a forum like this. I'm surprised anyone actually has any expectations of resolution when talking to strangers on here. I have zero. I absolutely acknowledge I'm typing into the void basically.

I know this is hugely ironic that I am wasting my time to post this but…

Yes, posting to help strangers who don’t need your help and don’t listen to your advice is just illusory social contact. It’s dopamine seeking behaviour (wanting likes and replies). Find something in real life that gives you genuine satisfaction. Do it.

Thanks for the reminder

I don't believe most of the posts I read these days, they're clearly just content farming or trolling or looking to get a reaction, and it annoys me to see people waste their time and energy thinking they're genuine. It will reach a point where people just won't bother anymore

You got invested in someone's creative writing exercise. The author isn't interested in well meant advice.

Yes! I was thinking of writing a thread about the same thing! There was somebody the other day asking for advice so I wrote quite a lengthy reply based on a a personal recommendation and I didnt even get an acknowledgement - it made me think why on earth should I bother!

This is why I don't bother anymore. I give suggestions on TV or dinner threads, things like that but don't bother even reading most threads now. Another thing that puts me off is threads are really mixed now like someone will ask for healthy meal ideas for example and get 999 replies about weight loss injections threads are getting derailed more and more. I've found myself using Reddit a lot more than here lately.

This is exactly why online forums and social media are no substitute for real life friendships and interests. Online relationships are parasocial, and fail to properly satisfy the human need for connection and collaboration.

Also, most of the threads in AIBU are wind ups.

@HerLivingontheHill
Often if I post I feel I'm usually saying what's been said a 100 times already.

I can never understand why so many MNers bother to do this. I'll read the first few posts, and if someone else has said what I would, I move on. It's bananas that so many threads go on and on for dozens of pages, with everyone saying the same thing. No-one reads them or actually discusses after a certain point, the traffic is all one way. Total waste of time. Especially if the OP stops engaging, which you can check before reading anything else.

You need to head over to flouncers corner. I think there is a special board just for grand announcements of why you are quitting mumsnet