AIBU to stop posting and giving advice on mumsnet

[ItsSappingMyEnergy]

I've been on mumsnet for years, and have name changed for this. I feel like recently I have given a lot of well received advice on various posts, only for them to seemingly go nowhere, no resolution, or real difference made in the end.
AIBU to just stop giving advice, I will still read posts, but I feel like we are all giving our advice and knowledge, which uses our time and energy, for nothing.
I don't personally know anyone on here, should I just save my energy for people i know in real life?
It's frustrating to invest in a thread that ends suddenly with no further information given on how things worked out.
I'm starting to think it isn't healthy at all, despite the fact I know some people really need help.

but to feel a need for an explanation or an update is different to wanting to hear all is ok

They are the same thing!

Some posts on MN are literally (and I mean literally) 'life and death' pleas for help.

It's natural to want to know the outcome.

Sadly, as a long term user of MN for around 20 years I've become more and more sceptical that many posts which appear dramatic are not genuine.

I post on here under a lot of names, I’ve posted about DV, Divorce, Court, my ex being an arse, single parenting, money troubles, cancer, you name it.

Generally I post on here, not for advice, but because I need somewhere to speak about it. IRL people often aren’t interested after the initial flurry of stuff and my family are generally not supportive, so occasionally at 2am when it’s all too much I post.

I don’t really want advice, I just basically want someone to hold my hand, but I do try to acknowledge posts.

What stops me going back to things is often the fact that someone will deliberately misread the OP and starts having a go, or picking at aspects or finding one thing and homing in on that and perhaps it doesn’t feel like that to anyone else, but when you are fragile and unhappy, harsh words can be the bit that tips you over the edge.

Also, there is a lot of LTB advice. I think if you get a huge thread where unanimously everyone tells you to leave, and you don’t, it can be really hard to come back and say “oh we made up”

On a personal level it would be nice sometimes to hear what happened, but I think that advice is taken on here, but RL gets in the way of keeping everyone informed

You are massively overinvested OP. The posters owe you nothing. They are not demanding or asking you for your time. You are seeking them out to offer your advice. They are under no obligation to act on it.

You don't really know what is going on with them/ the complexity of their inner life or even if they are genuine.

They may leave the thread due to attacks from other posters that they don't have the resilience for.

They may post to vent but there is no real solution to their life problem that anyone can come up with, though you will never know this as you only know what post, and you don't know how accurate that is.

Its unreasonable of you to post expecting a neat narrative to run its course wiht the closure of a tidy ending.

Whatever issues you have in your own life that is making you think like this, you need to deal with that rather than expecting posters on here to fill an unmet need in your own life.

This. Mostly I don’t go back to threads I’ve posted on unless I’m quoted. And sometimes not even then.

In real life there are potential repercussions for me with regard to the advice I give. If I tell my sister to LTB she might pitch up on my doorstep, or if she doesn’t I might get frustrated every time she had an argument with her DH and hasn’t taken my advice, and I don’t really get to opt out of that without ruining our relationship.

On MN, I choose which threads to read and interact with where I think I’ve got something helpful to say. I truly do not care in most cases whether the OP takes my advice or not, the point is I’ve suggested something that might be helpful and they can choose if they think it is or not.

On the holiday/paddleboarding thread mentioned above, the OP might have taken the advice and blown up her marriage and friendship while on holiday with her children. It’s absurd that you would think that in that scenario she should prioritise some strangers in the internet who might have just encouraged her to ruin her life as she knew it to give them an update like it’s a reality TV show. It’s people’s lives, we can all choose how much to engage. If you can’t do that without expending too much emotional energy, then yes, log off.

People in real life who we are personally close to often don’t take advice either. Mostly because they are fearful of the outcome or change in the dynamic that advice will bring.

When I was a teen my BFF was with a raging abusive narc and she didn’t leave for ages in spite of tonnes of good advice from all of her friends. She loved him, it was as simple as that.

Why would online people take advice from random strangers when people in real life don’t follow advice from trusted friends.

Advice I read on here is a mixed bad, plenty of poor advice is given and posters who give it have limitations, same as the rest of us, on their appreciation of the situation, an example might be a child with SEN where people who have an axe to grind because they don’t like the kid with SEN in their own child’s class.

I personally use MN to get different perspectives if I’m looking for advice and then I follow my own instincts.

I certainly don’t think that others have the responsibility to update posters on a thread. it is nice if they do but it is not a requirement.

Really? Are you only happy to listen to friends worries if they will take your advice? I think a lot of people just need to talk and feel listened to, don’t they?

There are some people who have made really positive life changes based on posts here. Sometimes you see a thread where a woman is like 'is my dh being unreasonable for not letting me do xyz?' and it turns out xyz is only the tip of a very large iceberg, and you see the OP slowly realising she is being abused. Maybe she won't respond then, (perhaps her husband is monitering her online activities) maybe it will take months or years. But people do listen and take advice and comfort.

This is incredibly narcissistic.

We reply for our own reasons and the act is altruistic if we are posting to help someone.

We cannot expect a person in trouble to prioritise rewarding us by making us feel seen or heard or that ' we made a difference'.

We post to offer help and hope that it helps. And that it all.

Gosh the sense of entitlement is strong here.

Also hadn't realised how many posters seem to think they are some kind of MNs answer to Oprah.

This thread is a good example of ‘me, me, me’ culture where everyone makes everything about themselves.

If you are giving advice for validation of yourself, you have a problem.

Expecting people to acknowledge and follow your advice, and then update you, is creepy. Parasocial relationships are frightening. Don't get overinvested. It's a choice to reply to a thread. You're effectively forcing your opinion on someone, it doesn't mean that they'll like it or do as you suggest, maybe they'd rather disregard it and move on.

I think what you mean is that the OP didn't pay you the attention and gratitude you craved.

Yeah, but no. As someone who has several times started threads which posters have piled onto accusing me of being a troll and reported me to MN, I can tell you that posters like you are not as good as spotting trolls as you think. I've noticed that being accused of being an AI bot is a current favourite. Been accused on that on a thread I started too.

Strangers lives on the internet aren't there for your entertainment. Nor are you their paid therapist. Real life stories are very rarely tied up neatly in a bow, never mind within 10-12 pages of a single thread. They are often complex, with huge amounts of untold backstory, that no one else would ever really understand.
By all means read and give advice, but no one is making you do either of those things.
It sounds a bit like you're getting too tied up in other people's lives. These are strangers, and ultimately nothing to you. If it's costing you too much of your own emotional energy, then stop.

Assuming that OP had received more than one reply then did you expect them to reply thanks to every single one or just yourself?

Yes, there is a tendency for posters to overproject and misinterpret things, with a heavy dose of judgement, and you soon find yourself justifying and explaining far beyond the actual purpose of the thread!

This is not to say that MN isn't great for advice, it often is. But posting a thread can be terrifying and sometimes leads you off on a merry dance to nowhere.

I don’t really want advice, I just basically want someone to hold my hand, but I do try to acknowledge posts.

This should be made clear in the opening post and then posters won't rush in with solutions.

Then MN and forums are basically pointless.
That's what your post says.

Our 'function' here is to work for free creating content to attract people whose attention is sold to the advertisers on the site.

I remember that thread! So many posters saying you just rush over and pick her up IMMEDIATELY! And yet you wisely left her and she had a great time. Sorry about her wrist!
If it makes you feel better, I once broke two bones in my leg, and was in plaster for 9 weeks after… falling over.

Unfortunately I don’t think that one was real. The OP came back with a bizarre update that she had shat all over her husband (yes really) and now all was well between them again with Paddleboard Slapper sent packing back to her own husband.

You can stop posting for any reason you like OP. Just like someone can choose not to update for any reason they like.

This is what I do now too.

Far too many threads these days are from 'one hit wonders' and I'm sick of investing time and energy only to be left swinging.

it’s the internet, why overstate your impact? it’s not that deep

Advice and support is just sowing seeds. Many don’t germinate, many that do don’t thrive. Even the ones that do, the plant takes a long time to flower and fruit.

If you want instant gratification, do something that gives you that.

I work with people in real life on big, difficult problems. Debt, drugs, eviction, harassment. They don’t just magically have a revelation and fix their whole lives in a couple of days! I’ve bumped into people years later and they’d told me I helped. (Of course, I always tell them it’s all them, because it is.) If I didn’t see them, I’d never know. And we have a lot more invested than a post on the internet!