For disagreeing with friends on my approach to DCs food?

[CunningPlanMaster]

We have 2 DCs who are 3 and 5. I have perhaps a skewed view of food as I’m quite a picky eater.

When I grew up we had table rules of eating everything on your plate before getting up which meant I would sometimes force myself to eat things I didn’t like and often feel sick-I now avoid a lot of these foods.

Because of this, i absolutely don’t force my children to eat everything. We have the usual toddler preferences for beige but, especially during school holidays I try to encourage variety.

My rule is this: you have to try everything on your plate (and I might give you something you’ve tried before that you’ve said you don’t like). But you don’t have to eat everything. And if you don’t like the dish, you have two options: porridge or weetabix.

Last week my 5 year old had two nights of rejecting the food and having weetabix or porridge. But he also had Thai fried rice, a veg curry, the usual easy jacket potato, chicken wing bbq and a cod dish. I think having a couple of evenings of weetabix in amongst that isn’t too bad? And he’s tried some new foods he enjoyed.

I have two friends with similar aged children. They disagree with my approach, but equally have differing views. One thinks I shouldn’t let my kids ‘try’ and then ‘reject’ healthy foods and they should be encouraged to eat it all.

The other thinks that only offering weetabix or porridge as alternatives is cruel and if I’m going to give them ‘exotic’ (her words) food, I should then make them something more conventional as a ‘safe’ option instead.

Unless Mumsnet overwhelming says otherwise, I don’t think my approach is wrong (but I’m probably over sensitive due to my own issues)? But the conversation got quite heated and we agreed to disagree!

As someone who was forced to eat when I wasn’t hungry, I think your way sounds very fair.

Your way sounds fine to me!

I would rather my child eat something than nothing. They are trying different foods so that's good in my eyes. My youngest one was a very fussy eater. He's now a teenager, just demolished a roast dinner and having a bowl of cereal for his pudding!!! Considering he would only ever eat one safe thing I'm very happy 😁

Your way is fine.

I would strongly suggest not commenting on your friends' parenting choices. Just do your thing and let them do theirs.

I would be with you - encourage and develop a range of food tastes and something simple as an alternative

Your way sounds spot on to me.

You way sounds perfect! Well done for breaking the cycle xx

I think it sounds fair. A banana and yoghurt is always my back up if they don't eat much. I never make them eat all of it but I do always make them tryit and with each meal put something on their plate I know they will eat (usually rice, pasta, some sort of potato).

I use the Ellyn Satter approach which is similar but the child is in charge of whether and how much to eat so I don't make my kids try anything although I'll sometimes suggest they do and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. I wouldn't like to be made to try any food I didn't like the look or smell of. The parent is in charge of when and what. I will offer a fairly bland alternative eg toast if they don't want the meal on offer. Weetabix and porridge sounds a bit breakfasty. Fruit is always available.

There’s probably somewhere in between I think. I wouldn’t force kids to finish everything but equally I wouldn’t provide an alternative meal. I’m curious as to what your friends consider is exotic and what is conventional though.

This sounds fine, and surely you are providing a 'safe' food alongside your more 'exotic' meals by offering the Weetabix and porridge?

I don’t force my kids to eat everything but I don’t offer an alternative. If they don’t eat what they’re given they go without.

Sounds good to me. We do something very similar. I sometimes insist on eating up vegetables if pudding is being requested, but never anything else. I'm also a big fan of encouraging to try and means they often find new and interesting things they like. I'd not discuss it with your friends to be honest. We approach food very differently to most people I know (most children we know are just served general beige that they like), and I can't see that it would help to chat about it!

We did what you do @CunningPlanMaster but I didn’t offer the alternative at the time they would have had to wait a bit

I’m a mixture of you and your friends.

I never made my kids clear their plate. The amount I dish up is random and I don’t check with the kids how hungry they are beforehand so I have no idea how much they’ll eat. Sometimes I take a bite and realise that I’m more or less hungrier than I thought and this is normal ime.

I don’t agree with offering weetabix instead. My kids would have had Weetbix for whole weeks during some picky phases.

I don’t think that your meals are exotic. My kids were eating spices by the time that they were 12 months old. (Spices like garlic, garam masala, chilli) Lunches tended to be “safe” as sandwiches can be customised easily but it’s not “exotic” to eat cod, curries etc The fact that she used exotic is a reflection on her food choices imo.

I wouldn’t personally offer those particular alternatives but I would never never comment on a friend doing so! None of it sounds like a big deal and certainly not something to verbally pass judgement over. If I had picky kids I’d make sure there was something included in the meal I knew they’d like (eg yoghurt/fruit).

I’m with you-except my alternative was brown bread and butter and something fruit or vegetably. I also had a sit at the table til everyone has finished, which prevented opting for bread and butter because it was quicker!

I think if you have never had a child with difficulties with food it’s hard for others to understand. Your approach sounds fine. I try to take an approach of food is fuel and a holistic approach at the whole weeks nutritional balance. For context my youngest often had carrots frozen peas - still frozen - for breakfast. She subsequently had an autism diagnosis which explained the sensory issues around food. Keep doing what yout doing.

YANBU. Our approach is the same but the alternative is plain brown bread. If you start cooking an alternative then I think it’s a slippery slope down to being their personal chef. They ask for bread instead less than once a week. If it was most mealtimes then we’d reassess.

This is how we approached eating with our kids. I had a similar upbringing to you OP. We have a rule that you have to try everything on your plate and just eat what you can. Alternatives are weetabix or plain pasta.

The kids are now 11 & 12 and would literally eat anything. 12 year olds favourite food is oysters and the 11 year old wants to be a Michelin starred chef so I think it worked ok!! For reference, 12 year old was a very picky eater around 3-5 years but got over it.

Sounds brilliant to me. Well done.

Neither of my DC ever refused food! They'd be suspicious, and feebly nibble at new things, but they never outright refused. I think it's because DH and I eat anything and everything, they never heard "oh I don't eat xyz" and I guess didn't see it as an option! Now they're older they both have food they love and food they'll tolerate, but nothing they outright refuse (except, weirdly, goats' cheese by one of them).

I think your approach is fine.

If my DS definitely didn't like the dinner, then I wouldn't cook a complete new dinner, but I would sympathise and suggest something I knew he liked, which was often cereal.

There was also fruit and a yoghurt later. But it wasn't straight after the meal, I didn't want to get into wrangling about having pudding if dinner not eaten, so fruit and yoghurt was always available later, just before bedtime.

If I’ve learned one thing it’s that there’s no one ‘right way’ to raise children.

I believe that provided they receive unconditional love from at least one adult and don’t have neglectful parents, minor variations in approach to diet, bedtimes, manners and homework are in the end irrelevant. Look at how different the approaches are to these things in different countries and cultures.

My brother and I raised our children very differently in these minor areas. All of our children have grown up with good health, ‘ no fillings’ teeth and good manners and are functioning members of society.

Who cares anyway... they're your DC, do it how you want and they can feed their DC how they want. They are different approaches but neither is intrinsically right or wrong imo.