For disagreeing with friends on my approach to DCs food?

[CunningPlanMaster]

We have 2 DCs who are 3 and 5. I have perhaps a skewed view of food as I’m quite a picky eater.

When I grew up we had table rules of eating everything on your plate before getting up which meant I would sometimes force myself to eat things I didn’t like and often feel sick-I now avoid a lot of these foods.

Because of this, i absolutely don’t force my children to eat everything. We have the usual toddler preferences for beige but, especially during school holidays I try to encourage variety.

My rule is this: you have to try everything on your plate (and I might give you something you’ve tried before that you’ve said you don’t like). But you don’t have to eat everything. And if you don’t like the dish, you have two options: porridge or weetabix.

Last week my 5 year old had two nights of rejecting the food and having weetabix or porridge. But he also had Thai fried rice, a veg curry, the usual easy jacket potato, chicken wing bbq and a cod dish. I think having a couple of evenings of weetabix in amongst that isn’t too bad? And he’s tried some new foods he enjoyed.

I have two friends with similar aged children. They disagree with my approach, but equally have differing views. One thinks I shouldn’t let my kids ‘try’ and then ‘reject’ healthy foods and they should be encouraged to eat it all.

The other thinks that only offering weetabix or porridge as alternatives is cruel and if I’m going to give them ‘exotic’ (her words) food, I should then make them something more conventional as a ‘safe’ option instead.

Unless Mumsnet overwhelming says otherwise, I don’t think my approach is wrong (but I’m probably over sensitive due to my own issues)? But the conversation got quite heated and we agreed to disagree!

I just don't think there's one right way to go about feeding a family, but nothing about your approach seems terrible to me assuming the two on-offer alternatives are things your DC like. I would perhaps consider adding another protein-rich option in place of or in addition to those two.

DH and I use the division of responsibility approach (this originated with Ellyn Satter) at mealtimes and we generally work to encourage intuitive eating, - Diana Rice, Nicole Cruz and Amee Severson all have great books and online resources for this. But that's a constant work-in-progress and we have to make that fit into busy family life.

We do some things I know will raise eyebrows, like offer a portion of dessert when the rest of dinner is served, but we've found they work for our family. Generally my friend circle limits our discussions about this and other parenting topics to asking others what works/sharing struggles but don't offer or engage with unsolicited advice/critique. A chipper "there are so many approaches but this one works for our family" followed by a subject change works for the rest.

Thank you for the replies and I’m sort of relieved to see so many other posters taking similar approaches. I think the 80s meal etiquette had a lot to answer for! I remember getting our first microwave and my mum attempting to cook everything in it-and still holding us to her firm rules

To be clear, this came up in conversation as I’m looking after both friends DCs next week and asked them for any meal preferences. My DC overheard and quipped that if they didn’t like it, they could always have weetabix or porridge instead!

And so the conversation started. Although I’ve since had a text from one of my friends stating that if her child doesn’t like what I serve then please don’t offer them ‘breakfast food’.

I think I’ll stick with a crowd pleasing pizza to avoid any disasters when feeding other people’s children!

We have a similar approach to you and it feels like the right thing to do. My parents would make me finish things I didn't like and I don't feel that's healthy. DD is a bit too young for the "try everything on your plate once but you don't have to finish it" approach, but we'll be moving to that when she's older. At the moment we just plate up the food family style and offer everything to her, don't make a fuss about what she does/doesn't eat. We don't make separate meals if she hasn't eaten much but she is always allowed yoghurt and fruit for dessert so I know she isn't starving. I don't feel yoghurt and some fruit is particularly unhealthy so it feels like a good compromise. We do encourage her sometimes to try new things on her plate, but don't force her to eat anything. If she does try something new we tell her well done etc, but never any negative feedback if she hasn't tried anything 🤷‍♀️ she is a bit hit and miss with food but it is less stressful for us this way. Some days she'll only want to eat a plain fajita wrap with cheese in it or chicken nuggets, some days she'll eat anything.

I find she's better if I involve her in the cooking process. Except if its pizza because then she wants to eat all her pizza toppings during the preparation and isn't hungry when her actual pizza is finished cooking 😂

I don’t have kids so never had to deal with this BUT I was made to eat food I didn’t like because my parents believed I needed more ‘variety’ particularly veg. I didn’t, I’d quite happily have eaten more of the veg I loved! I’m in my 50’s now and still have a very real fear of root vegetables 😕

@CunningPlanMaster I think if you were doing me the enormous favour of looking after my child for me, so long as they were fed I doubt I’d care if it was “breakfast food”.

@Mewling I did have to bite my tongue when I received that message!

Totally agree with your approach, it's what we do and DD12 is coming out the other side and quite an adventurous eater .

I was brought up to clear my plate and am in awe of my DD's ability to walk away from things like cake, ice cream or chocolate when they've had enough.

I think your approach sounds fine and it sounds like the 5 year old is pretty adventurous from the list of what he ate. Nothing wrong with porridge/weetabix.

I think sometimes, people don't realise how tricky it can be if someone (whether adult or child) has issues with food. I'm not fussy by any means - I will eat most things, but I am particular and certain things e.g. meat, have to be 'right'. I suspect it's linked to anxiety. It's mostly fine as an adult as I have a lot of control over what I eat but kids often don't.

I'm with you and for the same reason! My brother and I both have a battle with our weight because we were brought up to eat up quickly and clear our plates. I was also not allowed any "treats" during the week and limited at the weekend because of my weight!

We've been through it all with my children. Autistic food aversion, food aversion due to a lot of sickness, allergies, food intolerances (hence the sickness). The older ones are all good with their eating now and the youngest is getting there. None of them seem to be struggling with their weight either.

Our back up was toast or a sandwich. I wouldn't cook another meal. But I think you need to look at the balance over a week not just a day and as long as they are getting the nourishment they need it's all good.

Your way sounds fine. I was sometimes forced to eat things I didn’t like as a child and it didn’t help. I started to enjoy more variety in my own time. Your kids already sound adventurous a lot of the time, which is great!

Your plan sounds good and it works. BTW, Mexican children don't favour beige food

I don't force my DC to eat things. I don't offer a whole meal of all unfamiliar stuff, and sometimes with a stronger or spicy new flavour i serve a sauce or dressing on the side so they can have a bit less.

But i don't offer alternative plain carbs for them to fill up on if they don't like it. I think its really important to allow the brain to recognise eating something when hungry that is nutritious and quells your appetite even if you didn't find it just as palatable.

Lots of DC would choose the safe weetabix or porridge over the more adventurous food 5 days a week.

I’d be fuming, not sure I’d bite my tongue.

We regularly have other kids here, everyone knows when their child eats at my house the menu consists of one or more of the following, pizza, chicken nuggets, sausages, chips, 2 min noodles and there will be a bowl of salad and some berries on the table. Maybe an omelette or scrambled eggs. All these tick the fussy child boxs. If parents don’t want me feeding their DCs they can send them with a packed lunch as I’m already catering to my own 3 fussy and different eaters, I’m not adding more work to feed their kids too.

There are a couple of children we have over who are extremely adventurous and we will happily include them in our family meals as we know the food will be eaten, but otherwise we usually feed the DCs separately when other kids are here.

All children also have access to our snack cupboard and always get desert whether they choose, fruit, yogurt, ice cream, chocolate bar it’s their choice and help themselves.

We did the try everything on your plate - they had what we had so mainly pasta, bolo, rice, risotto- lots on one pot meals. Never did beige food as me and dh didnt eat it.

They could eat it or not but sat at the table until we all finished (me and dh are not slow eaters)

There was no more food until their supper before bed which was similar to yourself porridge, weetabix or toast with perhaps a banana chucked in.

You’re fine. I think conflict around food is the worst culprit for food issues so being easy going like you - but not a pushover - is great.

You’re fine. I think conflict around food is the worst culprit for food issues so being easy going like you - but not a pushover - is great.

I can't offer an alternative because when I did that my 5yo refused to eat anything but the alternative, I think it's a good method though if you have kids who won't take the piss.

She only has 3 or 4 meals that she'll actually eat and she has point blank refused to try a single new food for about 3 years now, I've never forced her to try anything and never will and if she doesn't eat I then wait a couple of hours and give her some toast but I have to treat that as "supper" so it's not seen to be an alternative to eating tea.

I used to do your approach with my three op. Eldest is autistic and still has a narrow range of food that he trusts but over time has expanded his palate. The other two grew into more sophisticated tastes as they got older and now pretty much eat anything. Force feeding kids doesn’t lead to unfussy eating - probably the opposite!

Your way sounds fine to me. But I would never discuss such things with friends, for exactly the reason you discovered!

Yes, alternatives if they’re not eating what’s on plate, imo, would be beans or spaghetti (with our without cheese) on toast, a ‘picky’ tea of fruit, yoghurt, sandwich, or soup.
I try to offer savoury over sweet or cereal type stuff for dinner. But I wouldn’t stress about it too much or force anything - a relaxed approach and you modelling good eating habits will help them find their own way.

I think I'd vary the alternative offer so it included an easy protein such as peanut butter toast, and some fruit just in case you end up with a week of wheetabix, but otherwise it sounds fine.
As a parent of three extremely fit, healthy adults who eat great diets, after often refusing in childhood anything but a limited range of less than optimum foods, I regret my angst in trying to impose perfect diets, when good enough proved to be good enough.

I never made my kids eat anything. I'm still traumatised from my school dinner experience and the time my mother flushed my dessert down the loo because I didn't eat my main.
I have one kid who eats everything, one young adult who really tries but struggles with all sorts of textures and another who has a limited diet, partly due to having braces but one that probably fits in the major nutrients.

There's no point disagreeing with your friends on these things. They'll soon have much bigger fish to fry as teens can be inclined to live on monster and vapes.

yours is the best approach for balance and gives them a great into to a wide range of foods while respecting their appetite . I did the same with mine and now as teens they still eat such a great variety of food and also cook exotic dishes. What ever you do don’t start making separate meals or plying them with a beige alternative, it’s a slippery slope.

Honestly I don't discuss my children's eating habits with other parents verbally nowadays. I had a child that ate absolutely everything. She hit two and then stopped eating any fruit or veg. Everybody told me to do this and that and at one point I thought she must have Arfid. I wound myself in knots and then thought why am I trying to conform to all these fads or newfangled parenting methods. I ended up serving what we were having plus a small amount of something I knew she'd eat. Then it was a case of this is whats for dinner if you don't like it that's fine you can go down from the table but there won't be anything else. She's now 6 and will take fruit as long as its blended or dried and vegetables as long as its blended for a pasta sauce or soup. She used to absolutely freak if there was any fruit or veg on her plate. Now she'll just move what she doesn't want out of the way without comment. We have had an occasion recently where she has helping herself to food sneakily in between meals. I questioned everything again to what if we've given her food anxiety. After an age appropriate chat she was just hungry between meals (we don't provide snacks). Not a problem we talked about what snacks could we have that offered protein and would help her feel full. She now helps herself to boiled eggs or I'll do her some hummus with breadsticks.

Previously I won't have offered 'snacks' but she is a very active child. Think swimming for several hours in the morning and then a long bike ride in the afternoon kind of kid.

I was harsher than you!
There was always something on their plate that they liked, and then often a new or ‘challenge’ food for them.
They ate what they wanted and left what they didn’t want, but there was no alternative.
Seems to have worked well, but maybe I just got lucky!