Does this sound like he cheated (yes I snooped)

[imsolosthere]

Husband and I have not been on the best terms, barely talking but keeping it calm and civil for the kids while we figure out where we go.

anyway he was offered two tickets to a concert at the weekend and asked if I wanted to go, I said i would but think the athmosphere between us would ruin it for us both so maybe he should ask a friend.

it then came out that the tickets would include a dinner with his boss and others high up so he said he knew I wouldn’t want to do that so he brought his male friend, all fine.

he txt a picture of him and his friend and asked me to leave a key out. He arrived home at 3am, been a long time since he stayed out so late but wasn’t drunk at all. Next day I just asked where he went after the concert and he just ignored it.

I did get a chance to have a Quick Look in his phone and turns out there was 4 tickets and another girl he’s friendly with from work went with her friend. They are txting where to go for dinner before, so no dinner with boss! And then there is calls between them after and directions to a bar, he then txt her to say he’s home and she txt back, chat soon xxx

he has also taken today off work! I feel I need more time with his phone 🫣

❤

She’s not a younger woman I think she’s actually a few years older. She knows i would know her.

I had a dream I set up a fake account and messaged her telling her not to be the other woman, to tell her and be a girls girl

This “I need counselling” bullshit, “ I’m depressed” He’s depressed because he wants out and he wants to do something with her but clearly is torn with not wanting to look like bad guy to everyone else . Let him go. She’s his shoulder to cry on (now) either way he’s lying to you and his mates by the look of it. I don’t think he will have done anything yet but he’s going to.

Rather than messaging her, ask him directly.

Sounds to me like he was extending an olive branch by inviting OP but she turned him down stating a bad atmosphere. No excuse for lying to her though. But it doesn't sound like she wants to reconcile so yes, marriage over.

He obviously wasn't extending an olive branch, they have 5 kids including a young baby and he sprung it on her with no childcare arranged, and lied and said it was a dinner with his boss and other men, which he knew she wouldn't have wanted to go to. It was to escape criticism/suspicion by saying 'Well I DID invite you.'

Was it a Coldplay concert?

i agree with the comment that you have both checked out of the marriage. …Then read you had a two month old baby which can be a high stress point in a marriage. I think you both need to decide whether you want to invest in this marriage and consider couples counselling if you need support to manage this.

…Can’t say whether he has cheated but I’d say he is adrift and possibly in the danger zone. The replay ‘chat later’ could be close friend zone but he is definitely distracted. You will know his behaviour better than anyone.

I am not condoning his selfish behaviour but there is a young family at stake here and I presume a happy relationship history. Only you two know if you can get back on track.

Congratulations on your lovely baby.

He’s lied, he’s also manufactured reasons for you not to want to go. I wouldn’t want to go to dinner with the boss either. It’s not looking good. If she’s looked after your dog did you have no communications from her or any contact?

What, and taken the children along with her?

i missed the bit about 5 kids! Yes does sound like he expected her to say no. Shame she couldn't call his bluff!

No

You have 5 kids 11 and under yet you’ve been having problems for 7 years… Seems like you’ve made some really bad decisions. I hope your contraception is watertight.

We have been together almost 20 years, more than half our lives. Problems on and off for 7 years. I got PND 7 years ago and things got bad but we worked through it and it was good for a few years and then arguments started again and we would drift and then work it out but this time feels different

I went through this 20 years ago. He hadn't cheated... but he was about to. This is what I wish we had done. If we had, then he perhaps wouldn't have. (We later reconciled but the process of working through that and coming out the other side was horrendous and continued for ten times longer than the affair did.)

Arrange childcare and go out. Somewhere you can't start shouting at each other. Have an adult conversation about the state of your relationship. Tell him your suspicions and how you feel. Be calm, don't throw accusations. You don't even need to mention the other woman, or that you suspect that something else was happening that night and the boss thing was a ruse so you wouldn't want to go. Simply: this is what is going on at the moment. This is how I feel. But the key is to then follow that by asking him how he feels, and if he wants to continue in the relationship. Not the house, not the children. Just you and him. The other woman is a symptom, not the cause. As such, she's irrelevant. The house issue can be overcome one way or another. And the children will be far happier in a home where there isn't constant tension. He will either open up and say that he's been adrift too, or he will bullshit you. You will know the right thing to do by the end of it. Good luck.

Does it really matter, the marriage is over anyway. He lied, you don’t like nor trust him, to the extent you went snooping around his phone. Just split up.

Easier said than done

Best case scenario: They are just 4 mates going on a night out and he lied because you aren't on the best terms and he didn't want to rock the boat by admitting he was going out with female friends. Worst case scenario: He's lied because he's cheating on you with her. Either way I'd not be pleased and I'd be keeping an eye on them, I'd be gathering solid proof. If something is happening, the proof will be there OP somewhere. About 11 years ago I was with my ex and I just had a feeling something was off, I'd just had a miscarriage and he left his phone at home one day. I had a snoop. I found messages between him and his manager (who he claimed to hate before now). The messages on WhatsApp and texts were innocent enough, slightly suspicious but didn't prove anything much apart from a friendship that I was unaware of and he'd asked her to come out for drinks in a local pub. However their e-mails and Facebook messages were explicit, pictures, sexting and talking about what they had done the lot. I absolutely flipped my lid. Check other forms of communication, check the deleted messages. If you find nothing after a while, perhaps there's nothing to find and I would talk to him about why he's lied.

This ☝️is a really sensible approach @imsolosthere it’s so easy for people to say ‘it’s over walk away’ but you have 20 years together and five children so you will never have a separate future. You had love and respect for each other once and together you’ve got to decide whether you have a future.

Has he cheated? Very possibly but you’re not 100% and you need to be, as it’s easy to assume. You’re adults, husband and wife and parents - that’s a lot to unpack. Only you can decide if you can forgive him if he has cheated and whether you want to have a future with him. So sit down and talk as GTZ advised and then you can consider your options based on fact.

Sorry you’re going through this and I do wish you the very best of luck.

Agreed. The fact that he feels like he has to lie to you for whatever reason - either he has something to hide, or he doesn't but he's afraid you might kick off anyway - is a red flag and a sign that this breakdown in communication, if left unchecked, is leading to an inevitable conclusion. I had a similar situation to you, CinnamonBuns. I knew something was off, went snooping, and found an email address and password scribbled on a piece of paper in his wallet. I logged in, and it was all there. I wish I'd known then what I know now. If either of us had said, "I feel like I'm losing you. Am I?" it might have changed everything. It's been 20 years, and even though we live in a different town now, there's still a (very small) part of me that worries about him bumping into her and it starting all over again. That never goes away.

I also found a lot more explicit messages on my husbands work emails and it really confused me.

Do you think that’s because he would have deleted any explicit watsapp messages and they cannot be retrieved once deleted unlike emails, or is there something I’m missing? Why send them via email when watsapp is so easily and quickly deletetd?
Thanks

I suspect it might have more to do with that you can log in and out of emails and facebook so these types of messages didn't pop up as long as they was logged out. Only them two truly know why they did it like that. There was no sign like "This message has been deleted" or anything that would lead me to believe anything too dodgy was going on in regards to WhatsApp. She lived with her partner so I suppose the risk was high he'd see something on her end.

I always end texts with kisses regardless of who 😂