Does this sound like he cheated (yes I snooped)

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Husband and I have not been on the best terms, barely talking but keeping it calm and civil for the kids while we figure out where we go.

anyway he was offered two tickets to a concert at the weekend and asked if I wanted to go, I said i would but think the athmosphere between us would ruin it for us both so maybe he should ask a friend.

it then came out that the tickets would include a dinner with his boss and others high up so he said he knew I wouldn’t want to do that so he brought his male friend, all fine.

he txt a picture of him and his friend and asked me to leave a key out. He arrived home at 3am, been a long time since he stayed out so late but wasn’t drunk at all. Next day I just asked where he went after the concert and he just ignored it.

I did get a chance to have a Quick Look in his phone and turns out there was 4 tickets and another girl he’s friendly with from work went with her friend. They are txting where to go for dinner before, so no dinner with boss! And then there is calls between them after and directions to a bar, he then txt her to say he’s home and she txt back, chat soon xxx

he has also taken today off work! I feel I need more time with his phone 🫣

You should do what you need to do to make up your mind, even if that means snooping in his phone again. He's gone to some trouble to lie to you, is leaving you to care for the baby on your own on his 'day off' (getting huffy when you dare to contact him), and completely ignores your wedding anniversary. More to the point, it sounds as though you're never certain where you stand with him, with all the ups and downs.

If he'd actually be willing to work to create a more solid, steady relationship, that would be one thing—but he's still actively lying to you! Bad enough if he'd told a white lie just to avoid an awkward night out, but he lied specifically to keep you away while inviting other women to join him. Whether or not he physically cheated, those are not the actions of a man committed to his marriage, rough patch or no.

As a PP said, your kids will be absorbing some of this. The two of you either need to work it out and keep things on a more even keel or call it a day. It won't be clean and easy to split, but the worst of it won't last forever, and it might be the better option for everyone concerned.

Sadly I have to agree with this….

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. God, men can be such d*cks, can’t they? This happened to me - my husband had been having an emotional affair for nearly 3 years and would engineer arguments, gaslight me as to why he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring etc etc…I could tell something was ‘off’ but had no evidence. The OW was a prick tease, nothing physical ever happened, but they were very, very close and he was completely infatuated with her to the point of madness. It was only when I confronted her and she panicked and said she wouldn’t have anything to do with him anymore that his whole fantasy world crumbled. It was ugly - he drank too much, went through a kind of bereavement, but eventually we did get back together and he admitted it was all a stupid obsession that got out of hand.
If you can, try and remember this is not about you. It’s a typical midlife crisis - he’ll be having exciting ‘crushy’ feelings that remind him of his youth, of being desirable, of the newness of early desire (which, let’s face it, never past no matter who you’re with).
He HAS to stop contact. All the while he’s investing energy elsewhere, he’s sapping it from your marriage.He should also agree to counselling, where they’ll hopefully encourage him to work on what he’s missing within himself. We did that and the marriage counsellor made us go right back to the beginning of our relationship so we could rediscover those feelings together.
I wish you all the best of luck ❤️

NO ONE looks at my phone 😂, and I don’t look at DH’s either. They’re private devices.

I’m not hiding stuff or into “weird porn”.

No, he's lying so the trust is gone.

Why would you laugh at someone else's misfortune?

So turns out he txt his male friend at 1am saying he was home and txt her at 3am saying he was home which is when he did get home. She also text him on Monday asking if they were ok and telling him she hopes he gets some clarity from talking to the counsellor

Did you question this? Oh I feel sick for you OP

Havnt questioned it yet, we had another massive row yesterday and I told him I can’t do this anymore, he said that’s fine, it’s not about me and him anymore it’s about the kids.

we are currently only speaking relating to the kids and infront of the kids.

he is sleeping on the sofa

That's probably for the best. If there's anger there, it needs to pass so that you can have a calming, adult conversation. It's amazing the strength is women can find from nowhere when we expect foul play. Love to you.

It’s crazy that i actually hope he did cheat because then he can’t play the victim which i know he would when we eventually do split

There isn't any hard evidence that the husband is cheating on OP. He may have just wanted to have a relaxed and fun evening out.That is of course very unsupportive given that they have a two-month old baby, but OP is very clear that their marriage is in a very poor state. Even if he did cheat, that's not the central issue. It sounds as if there is a huge amount of pressure on him given that he is the only breadwinner and that they have a large mortgage and five children. OP also must feel very pressurized, too, as SAHM with main responsibility for all those kids; it sounds as if those pressures have driven them apart, and they are likely both feeling aggrieved and misunderstood. They need to talk honestly about their feelings, and seeing a counsellor might help as well.

@StarCurator Did you miss the bit where he texted his friend that he'd got home at 1am, but it was in fact 3am?

I'm afraid that I did; thank you for pointing it out. That indeed suggests that he was cheating. That being said, I still feel that that is more of a symptom of their deteriorating marriage rather than being a cause. This is the time for OP to address the situation, since it sounds as if he won't do it himself.

It’s not easy to confront him, over the years I have lost my spark, I find that I can’t make a decision myself out of panic that he will say it was wrong, I just go along with everything he wants and never stand my ground. He is very good at turning my words and making me just give in and say I was in the wrong.

I stood up for myself yesterday and he didn’t like it

I don't think he needs to have cheated for you to want to leave hun. He's a classic narcissist by the sounds of it. I remember those days of worrying about having the wrong opinion or the wrong answer. Having to pretend there is something wrong because he insisted I was in a mood when I wasn't. Etc. then he would give me the silent treatment which is awful. It's mental and emotional abuse. I hope you find the strength you need to get out of this x

I totally understand your position. It sounds as if you have been worn down over the years and have lost confidence in your judgement. Your new baby is only two months old, and you must be feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment. And being a SAHM may have sapped your confidence (no judgement here; with five children that has been your only option, but not being in the workplace can have a negative effect on one's confidence, in my experience).

If you feel that it's not possible to have a frank and productive talk with your husband, can you get some counselling or therapy? Talking with a trained and sympathetic person would enable you to talk about your feelings as well as the practicalities of the situation, and to find a way forward. You are entitled to a certain number of sessions (I think 6 or 8) on the NHS; go to see your GP and ask if you can be referred. I know that there are long waiting lists in some areas, but you could contact MIND and/or if you have enough money, I think that it would be worth paying for some sessions. You may not feel able to talk with family and friends, and, in any case, they are never impartial, and can muddy the waters further. You may feel ultimately that you need to separate and divorce, despite the practical hurdles, but I think that anyone advising you to cut the cord on your marriage immediately is not being realistic.

Courage, OP! Life will be better in the future (but not just yet)! You are in a hard place, but you will get out of it and flourish. :-)

Do you have any support in real life Op? Family? friends you can trust? It sounds very much like he has or is contemplating cheating. Could this be the push you need to leave your unhappy marriage.

He is probably wondering if he can get a new woman of his marriage isn't working with you. Having a tiny baby is really difficult. Marriage is hard during pregnancy and newborn days. You sound sad about things. It may be worth mediation.

Oh darling…he doesn’t feel depressed, he feels guilty. I’m so sorry.

I’m sorry OP, no one needs to read that on their DH’s phone or have that to worry about. He is a liar for sure and you need to call him on it. But that doesn’t mean he definitely cheated. It doesn’t look great though. It feels like a double date situation doesn’t it. Call him out.

My friend suspected her ex was cheating, but didnt have definite proof. She just said is there something you want to tell me? and kept saying it over a couple of days and he eventually fessed up.
Since she looked you up on Instagram, you could message her? How do I know you? Maybe someone else has got a better way of approaching it.

Sorry you're going through this with 5 kids and a newborn. He should be supporting you with the kids, not going to f*king concerts with hid mates and younger women.