Son back from uni

[Mistersister1]

my youngest son is returning home from uni very soon. I’ve told him I won’t be doing his washing for him and he’s not taking it too well! He’s looked after himself for three years and I don\t see why that can’t continue? I don’t do my eldest son’s washing after he came back home a year ago. AIBU?

Well this sounds like it’s all going to be very harmonious going forward.

I'd also make him aware of other conditions. Get it out of the way BEFORE he's home.

No regular cooking for him.
He needs to start pulling his weight around the house.
Needs to actively be looking for a job.
Needs to contribute financially (save the money for him if you decide it's a good idea).

Sounds as if he's expecting to come home and revert to being a child.

I think you need to draw up a list of 'rules' as i suspect it won't end with the laundry!

Well I think you 're right to expect him to make a contribution to the household but I can't see how individuals doing their own washing is particularly efficient. Both my boys are home from University currently and rather than doing their own I expect the to put a load of everyone's washing in when they see the basket getting full. Likewise I don't expect them to shop and cook for themselves when they are at home even though they do that at University- that would be a stupidly inefficient and expensive way to feed a family. I do most of the cooking as I am the best cook and I like it, but I do expect the other members of the family to take their turn at cooking if I'm busy. Everyone needs to do their bit but jobs don't need to be divided to be be fair. One of my sons is mowing the lawn as I type. I assume he's not going to leave a quarter for me to do.

This is so true but I suspect the op doesn't visualize her son out cutting the grass. If we have low expectations of our offspring they will certainly oblige.As a widow I'm shocked at the sheer amount of maintenance my house requires and anyone who lives or resides temporarily with me really needs to help.

Agree with @MrsAvocet - in a three/four person household, everyone doing their own cooking/laundry isn’t particularly efficient. Plus most households wouldn’t have room in the fridge for leftovers from multiple different people’s meals.

My daughters both came home for a few years after university. They both cooked for the family one night a week, with DH and I splitting the remaining nights between us. We all put laundry into a communal basket, and jointly took responsibility for putting a load on once there were enough whites/coloureds/delicates etc. DH and I generally did any ironing that needed doing. DDs were responsible for cleaning their bedrooms and their shared bathroom, and for cleaning up the kitchen after they used it; DH and I did most of the cleaning of other communal spaces, though DDs pitched in too from time to time, particularly when we were getting ready to host guests.

(Probably worth adding - DH was retired by this point, and I was working part-time. We had more free time than our girls who were beginning their careers working full-time in high-pressure jobs, so felt it was fair we did more than half the cooking/cleaning etc.)

You need to tell him that you won't be doing anything else either!!

I also agree with @MrsAvocet - all doing separate laundry or cooking separate meals sounds incredibly wasteful and complicated. He should be contributing but unless you want to give your home a student house vibe, surely you’re going to coordinate?

Anyway, up to you. YANBU and can set whatever rules you like. I’d certainly expect him to be mucking in.

The trouble with getting grown/older kids to do their ownwashing, IME, is that just when you're about to pop a wash on yourself, you see that one of the idiots has got one t-shirt & a pair of jeans merrily churning around in there for the next hour.

I just have two baskets, one for dark clothes which fills up every couple of days, & one for light coloured clothes which takes all week to fill. If I notice a basket is full, I stick a wash on. In theory, dc do the same, but tbh none of them are great at noticing...so I get them to do other chores instead. If they don't put their dirty stuff in the basket, it just doesn't get washed & they can sort out their own load whenever they eventually run out of pants.

Having said that, it's not really about the washing, is it? If he's already stropping about that, he's going to be a PITA about everything else. You need a proper chat about expectations: getting a job, picking up after himself, & which bits of household stuff he's going to do.

Talk about food, too. I like to cook, so if I'm planning to I tell everyone on the family WhatsApp group that we'll be having <whatever> that evening. They're welcome to opt out, but if they're fending for themselves then they buy in anything special they want, stay out of my way when I'm cooking, & leave the kitchen as they found it. We don't have a rota for evening cooking because I genuinely enjoy it, but I do get brought breakfast in bed at the weekend!

Oh & think about money. Food, electricity, gas, water...do you need him to contribute? That definitely needs to be agreed before he's moved back in.

The trouble with getting grown/older kids to do their ownwashing, IME, is that just when you're about to pop a wash on yourself, you see that one of the idiots has got one t-shirt & a pair of jeans merrily churning around in there for the next hour.

Oh absolutely - I’d think very carefully about this if I were you, OP. Do you really want to be competing for use of the washing machine with two other adults?

I agree with @MrsAvocet too.

Essentially though, you need to set out your expectations from the start so that you're both clear on what's what. Do try to be at least a little bit flexible and understand that coming home is a big change to the life he's been living, three years is a good chunk of his life, and he's bound to be feeling unsettled so don't be too hard on him while he's adjusting. Having said that, don't treat him like a child or let him fall back into a child role as it would undo all those independence skills he's learned while away!

I appreciate your response, full of great ideas. Trouble is actually getting said son to contribute to the workload, I’m not sure he will

This issue aside… are you and your son close?

what was he like before heading off to uni?

what’s his plan for work etc when he return?

I don't see how it's inefficient for everyone to do their own washing . That's what happens in my house (2 adults, 2 late teen dc). Everyone has a laundry basket and washes their clothes when they have a full or reasonably full load.

So if you have two white t shirts that you really like, you wait until you have a decent amount of your own whites rather than combining with your husband and. / or kids to make up a white wash?

Rather than focusing on the laundry I think the Op knows her DS has taken care of himself for three years and now expects him to go on doing it. If your DS thinks coming home means DM will do everything Op you're going to have to be straight with him, he's an adult so he doesn't get to be babied anymore

My daughter has just come back from Uni, she's starting a PGCE shortly. Washing wise, I can't be doing with her potentially putting a load in right when I need to use it especially as I need to wash my work stuff each day after wearing it and have a good routine going so I've said I'll do hers if she leaves it in her laundry basket, it's easier for me to be honest!
Food wise, she's pescatarian and we are not, so I try to do something veggie/fish based a couple of times a week then the rest of the time she sorts her own food, I try to make sure there's always something for her in the fridge if she needs it (pizza, pasta, jacket potato etc) but if she wants to cook something different then she gets it from the shop and cooks it when we are not using the kitchen. We don't have a tonne of space so it works ok. She does keep leaving piles of plates and cutlery in her room though which is driving me mad 😩

I don't understand pp saying it's such a bad idea to get ds doing his own washing.

I get that it might be more efficient in terms of electricity and water usage but come on, it's hardly efficient for the op having to suddenly do another person's washing, is it.

Any time a DC has come back home they are responsible for their own washing. I do the towels and will occasionally add to my load from their washing basket if it's not quite enough for a full load, but I'm not their maid.

One dd wanted to do the majority of her own cooking due to having unsociable work hours. My ds ate main meals at the same time as us and helped with cleaning up.

Its completely reasonable to welcome your adult dcs back into the house as adults, capable of looking after themselves and contributing to the household.

It's your house you get to make the rules, it does seem a little rigid what if you need to make a load up?. I really have no place to comment. Mine get fully pampered when they come Home. I do washing, buy all their favorite snacks me and their dad cook for them and I know he slips them money when they go to the pub. I enjoy it and I know the time is coming soon when they won't come 'home' at all.

I just carried on doing the washing for the household as it’s more time and cost effective. I still cook the family evening meal for the same reasons. One DD has left home and the other lives with us and works at 21. She cooks too as does DH but I do the majority. I’m home at 4.

We are close, yes. However, he doesn’t like being told what to do and accuses me of ‘having a go at him’, hopefully we continue to be close once he moves back in!

Well on the basis of a spat before he’s even darkened the doorway… I’d say that’s optimistic.

Has he secured a job?

I called a house meeting after ds had been home a day or two and explained that I didn’t expect a financial contribution until he has a regular job but that I didn’t plan to cook for him. He’s welcome to put things on the shopping list and we will get them though.

I don’t care if it’s slightly less efficient. I have thought about ds’s laundry and food every day since he was born and I am done.

@Mistersister1
It sounds like you're only close if you're being his servant basically.
And if you dare deviate from that he kicks off ...