Son back from uni

[Mistersister1]

my youngest son is returning home from uni very soon. I’ve told him I won’t be doing his washing for him and he’s not taking it too well! He’s looked after himself for three years and I don\t see why that can’t continue? I don’t do my eldest son’s washing after he came back home a year ago. AIBU?

I think having grown adults at home it's perfectly reasonable for them to do their own washing and unless they have 3 outfits on rotation they pretty quickly have full loads of their own stuff. I'm not in the camp of making 12 year olds do their own wash, but grown adults ,I do not want to rummage through their dirty washing and they then are responsible if the thing they want isn't clean. Stick to your guns.

It’s not the washing that’s the issue it’s the coming on here and asking AIBU. It’s your house, if you want your son to contribute then he does. He is not a child and asking AIBU treats him like one. You wouldn’t say AIBU to expect my unemployed partner to help around the house. If we treat our adult children like children it will stunt their growth and they might struggle out in the real world.

This is true I have one adult DD at home now and she’s a clean type so I’m not bothered about doing her washing. I do DH’s too just because it’s easier for one person to manage to make it more efficient. If she needs something urgently she knows what to do.We have one washing basket.
When DD1 was at home I did hers too. She coped fine at uni and now does everything for herself now that she works and lives away. It’s not rocket science.

Same here
We also cook and eat separately. I loathe cooking and did it while the kids were younger but feel no obligation to feed adults.

I prefer to have charge of the washing machine. Ideally I’d put the loads on at convenient times and anyone passing would help with hanging it out then folding and putting away, which is the real work of laundry.

Because it would take too long to wait for full load.

My son is doing his own washing now he’s back from uni. He moves in with his girlfriend on the weekend so they’ll be cooking their own dinner from now on too.

If he doesn’t like your rules, then he doesn’t come back full time!!
He’s an adult, he’s definitely not stupid, he’s trying it on. Don’t let him.
You can have a close relationship with him by putting in rules and boundaries. If you don’t, your relationship will suffer as you will grow resentful.
You are not his servant.

I've just told my 18 year old that she's doing her own washing from now on.

YANBU

Make it clear this isn't optional. That post uni life at home is as an adult contributing member of the family and not as a school child.

But if you’re making yourself a stirfry? Or spaghetti Bol? Or a stew…. Do you not ask family members if they’d like some?

do you all have separate shelves in the fridge?

Then rent. If he wants washing done and meals cooked, he can pay rent. I know this is a contentious subject on MN but I don't think an adult gets to sit about and not contribute in any way at all.

That hasn't been an issue for us

Why? Can’t understand this mentality. Do people hate their kids.

Some individual food in the fridge and some shared.

It is very rare that I would be cooking anything that someone would want to share.

It's difficult parenting an adult especially one that has freedom away from home for 3 years.

You probably need to sit down and agree house rules so you all rub along and respect each other.

He needs to know it's his home but needs to play his part or stay elsewhere. Easier to do know at the start rather than in 6 months and having to ask him to move out.

I find that trying to separate everyone’s washing just leads to a greater use of the washing machine as each person would do their laundry separately and the matching will only be, at best, half full.
With my adult DDs I used to ask them if they had any washing to do - either whites or colours - and put everyone’s in together.

My stepchildren have done their own laundry, including bedding and towels, since 2018, when they were aged 16 and 13 and I do our laundry; however, if I’m away (often for weeks at a time), I no longer return home to an overflowing laundry basket 🤬, & I always return home with clean laundry

You have been a bit crass!

I can’t understand why you have mentioned it- it comes across to me at least as confrontational and nagging- not a great start.

I agree that you don’t want to do it and other things as well that must be ground rules and that’s fine but I think the “mark my words” tone /approach is not right. I certainly wouldn’t want to be there if I was you son.

Its not about hating kids Its about sharing the work.
My dc are all teens. They all regularly cook for the family and all do their own washing. None of them only was an item or two as they know it's expensive and with 5 of us in the house impractical.

I will always see my children as part of the family unit regardless of age. That means we continue as such when they come home. I don't expect them to live separately in any way, food or washing. It's all done together. DD's will do random jobs when asked, be that washing, or cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening. We all muck in together, there is no yours and mine.

It’s not inconvenient for kids to do their own washing if they understand how to properly use the machine and when they can use it. For us that means using the right cycle - we had some 3 hour cycle false starts and kids are only welcome to use the washing machine on Sunday or Monday. They have these days to sort their clothes for the week and by wash day they generally have a full load - this also balances out drying space.

I am also done with providing “the dinner” every night of the week. I don’t want to do it any longer. Dinners in the week now have to be cooked in 30 mins, help yourself and everyone clears up. I then want to be free to go off and do all the other things I need to do.

With older kids / adults at home the dynamic has to change - we also like some level of independence now / private time. When it is our bed time we expect that to be respected and everyone in their own rooms. We are up early and want peace and quiet. Me and DH need this for our own wellbeing and to be up for work.

Really? I find that unusual. When did you ( as parents) stop making meals for your family? For me this is a basic part of family life. One of us cooks for everyone. If DD isn’t home, it goes in the fridge or freezer. If she wants something g else, she makes it and the leftovers are used for lunch. I find it’s the most efficient way to ensure food is used within date etc.

he doesn’t like being told what to do

He needs to get over that before he enters the world of work.

Can you give an example of what you cook that people wouldn’t want?