Son back from uni

[Mistersister1]

my youngest son is returning home from uni very soon. I’ve told him I won’t be doing his washing for him and he’s not taking it too well! He’s looked after himself for three years and I don\t see why that can’t continue? I don’t do my eldest son’s washing after he came back home a year ago. AIBU?

Having said that, I don’t cook on Friday night as it tends to be more relaxed for the weekend. DD will groan when she gets home and remembers .😂

It might be unusual but it works for us.
It was a slowish process from mid-teens onwards.

I guess it depends if you dislike cooking. I love to cook and sit together and talk. They sorted their own breakfast and lunch as they got to teens but the evening meal remains.

Would you give them money in mid terms to buy their own food?

I’ve told him I won’t be doing his washing for him and he’s not taking it too well!

What did he reply?

Is he working? What's he been doing since his exams-my uni student offspring was home in June!

There was a big Sainsbury's order and anyone could put stuff on it. No lack of available food.

They're all working now

I don't think anyone is disagreeing that older children should contribute to the running of the household but sharing the work doesn't have to mean all working individually. Tasks can be divided and done cooperatively within a family. Our kids were given responsibility for various things from a fairly early age but it was doing stuff for everyone, not just themselves.
Were we to each wash our own stuff in our house we'd end up with mixed washes with things that shouldn't really be in together, lots of half loads or we'd need to buy a lot more clothes than we currently own - all of which potentially increase the household running costs and are wasteful. There's no reason why the same person has to do it every time but it makes sense to cooperate. I would be livid if my DS put his sports kit on to wash whilst leaving mine which requires the same detergent and goes on the same programme in the basket.
And cooking individually must be more expensive. If you cook together it costs less money as price per unit is generally lower for bigger amounts, you have less waste (both food and packaging) and don't have to do it every day. Cooking individually uses more power and generates more washing up.
Do the people who don't cook or wash for their teen/adult offspring expect their partners to do everything for themselves too? And do you divide other household tasks on similar lines, like everyone has their own section of the garden to maintain? You only clean the windows in your own room? Nobody would wash anyone else's car or bike if they had the hose out doing theirs? Would you leave someone else's coffee cup unwashed if you were doing your own? Do you all take an exactly equal share in more physically demanding jobs like clearing the gutters, decorating, chopping wood etc?

He's a brat. 3 years away from home should have cured him of his need for mummy. Suggest you tell him to go elsewhere if he doesn't like it. Stop being such a doormat, he's no respect for you in your own home. 'He doesn't like being told what to do'? Listen to yourself!

OMG of course he should be doing things for himself, he’s an adult now! He should also pay for rent, cook and buy his own food unless he pays you more to go towards your shopping bill! … and of course he gets a job!

Do you ever sit down together as a family and eat together?

I think it's important to not let them regress. My 24yo DD has been back with me for a year - she cooks, cleans, washes, gardens, cat sits and is generally a joy. She doesn't pay rent because I don't need the money but contributes to food. She's saving hard and learning to drive. It's a house mate relationship more than a parental one.

Not often

Stir fry

You should try to set boundaries early on.

If he doesn't want to contribute to the household, he can look into getting his own place.

My 23 year old is back from working away at the moment and yes, I do all his washing, cooking etc.

But I do everyone’s, for the 6 of us in the house. Eveyone just puts thier dirty washing in the basket in the bathroom, I chuck it in the waning machine every morning, then the drier. Then I sort it into piles.

If the 4 adults in this house all did their own washing, it would be ridiculous. People would be using the washer/drier at different times for smaller loads.

Ditto cooking. There’s little point in people cooking their own food, there would just be mess, people cooking at different time, mess, we don’t have a massive fridge for everyone buying their own food.

I’m at home all day, it’s just easier and less complicated (for me!) if I do it.

he contributes by looking after his younger siblings and taking them to and from school when he’s not working and he pays £250 a month “rent”,

Not yet

If I was home all day I;d do the same, but I work 4 days a week, do currently has no job, but he;s looking

I do my oldest's washing with ours but I will ask them to peg it out if they in and then I only iron my own clothes - theirs goes in a pile back to their room. If they want ironed clothes, they know where the iron is!

That's one thing I’m certain of, I’m never doing his ironing

So he’s already arguing the toss with his mother about his return to the family home when he will be unemployed and contributing fu*k all to the family finances.

Op, I’d be both disturbed and sad if my 21 year old son was behaving like this. Doesn’t bode well.

I predict many more threads from you once he moves back Op

Everyone in my family does their own washing. By the end of the week, each person has a full load. 7 sets of underwear and socks, pyjamas, tops, t shirts, uniform and so on. The only exception is if someone is doing whites and lights, they let everyone know so they can add to it. Dc usually end up washing when they realise they’ve run out of underwear though so it’s a full load.
It’s also important that it’s less work for me.
As far as meals go, dc sort out their own breakfasts and lunches, I do most dinners and we all eat together when we can.

Same here. Everyone mucks in without being asked. This is a home, not a shared house. Oldest is a great cook. Middle one very hands on and practical. Youngest keeps us entertained with his jokes and loads the dishwasher. Together they rebuilt our garden fence last summer. But they sometimes leave me to put the washing on.