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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 18/08/2025 20:20

If he was tackling it, the toilet would have been clean (no skiddies and a squirt of domestos) and the dogs would have been trained to not piss in the house.

He isnt tackling it. His ex left months ago and if he tided before you arrived he defo didnt clean. If he started when you first dated it would be cleaner This reflects his character, hes lazy and half arsed. And when hes not chasing you this is the version youre getting. That's either ok or it isnt

Jacopo · 18/08/2025 20:22

Eewww eewww eewwww he is disgusting. Get rid. What kind of social life in the future would be remotely possible if he was your partner?

LouiseTopaz · 18/08/2025 20:26

The skid marks and not hoovering is laziness and not something I could deal with, it takes two mins to put bleach in the toilet. Honestly could not stay with someone who had a house like this, it's unlikely he will change. He knew you were coming round and did not make any attempt to clean the toilet. Your going to end up babysitting him and doing everything.

Alwayssnacking · 18/08/2025 20:27

I could not go any further with this relationship. It would put me off him completely. Is be not unclean like his house is?? The way he looks after his home reflects how he looks after himself.

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

Clarabell77 · 18/08/2025 20:29

I couldn’t get past this.

Clarabell77 · 18/08/2025 20:30

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

Fair enough the dog hair, but the skid marks? No.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2025 20:30

HatandCoat · 18/08/2025 20:03

He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

No, he doesn't. He knew you were staying over and still couldn't be bothered cleaning his filthy toilet.

I wanted to say the same.

He treated you shabbily, and would love nothing better than for you to roll up your sleeves and become his maid.

Don't do it!

You are an adult and you need and deserve a fully grown up man, not a fixer upper or a project to work on.

Ask him why his previous GF dumped him and listen to him lie through his teeth. She left because he's insufferable.

mathanxiety · 18/08/2025 20:31

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

I'm going to offer another perspective here and I'm sorry it's harsh.

Is it possible he considered home organisation and cleaning "women's work" and therefore beneath him?

GreenCandleWax · 18/08/2025 20:33

Purplebunnie · 18/08/2025 13:18

Grown men don't always think along these lines

Show quote history

Ah, poor loves! What would they do without us women cleaning up after them, organising help they need and generally doing all their thinking for them? Live like pgs in a shithole, that's what. The audacity he had to even let OP see it - just breathtaking!

DeliaOwens · 18/08/2025 20:36

Unless this is due to depressive type inability to clean, he is showing you who he is. You won’t be able to tolerate this for life so, it would be kinder to end this now. Your living styles are incompatible.

TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 20:39

Strange. Is he well doing. Is yhe house big otherwise. 9 dogs if properly cared Is 1000s. Or he just neglected them

GreenCandleWax · 18/08/2025 20:43

maria2bela1 · 18/08/2025 13:37

Ok so I couldn’t put up with this, but if he ticked all other boxes and I really liked him, I would have an honest conversation which is ‘ I really like you etc, but I have OCD and being totally honest, with your house the current way it is, I don’t think I’d be able to stay again. Being even more honest, I’d need you to sort it out if we were to continue dating, I know it’s hard to get on with things when they’ve been a certain way for a long time blah blah…Then I’d suggest him getting a cleaner to see clean the house too to bottom so he just has to maintain it.

No. It is NOT because she has OCD that this is unacceptable. I don't have a cleanliness OCD but by any normal standards, this man's home is gross and filthy, and he should never have asked OP or any other woman into it. The fact that he did shows who he is - he thinks its acceptable - it isn't. Someone like this could have a deep clean done but a year could be just as bad from now it

TheGoldoffEternal · 18/08/2025 20:43

Gladysknightjustwalkinmyshoes · 17/08/2025 23:14

No way would I've put my head on a pillow in a house that state let alone anything else happening in the bedroom.🤢🤮

Well no. Dogs hair on his willy

ormiwtbte · 18/08/2025 20:43

Alexa51 · 18/08/2025 20:28

I'm going to offer a different perspective here. My Dad was a bit like this - his house was absolutely gross - dog hairs everywhere/ everywhere very unclean even though he had always spent some time cleaning before I went round. He wasn't a lazy person in the slightest - in fact the complete opposite - extremely hardworking in his job/ DIY projects around the house. He just really really struggled with his organisation and didn't have the first clue when it came to cleaning..I think sometimes, when people have a lot of dogs they just stop noticing all the hair etc. I think he just needs a bit of help from you to clean up his act a bit..I can see it's off-putting but give him a chance and try and help him to get organised.

Not noticing the dog hairs is one thing but this guy invited a woman round to his house and the toilet was filthy.

I don't see why the OP should give him a "bit of help" to "clean up his act a bit" when he can't even manage to clean the bog for her. It's a lost cause.

HappyToSmile · 18/08/2025 20:49

There is a huge difference between a messy house and a dirty...no....filthy house!! A bit of dog hair i could look past, but this is far far worse and I couldn't be with someone like that (from someone who has dogs and other animals and manages to keep my toilet & floors clean and urine free)

Thisisbetweenyoumeandtheinternet · 18/08/2025 20:50

Eurgh massive deal breaker for me. He can’t be clean himself if this is his house. I’d have the ick immediately.

EasternSkies · 18/08/2025 20:52

OP I think you can only continue this if you have an honest and forthright conversation with him and make it clear that you simply will not go to his house unless he has a thorough deep clean and keeps it decent thereafter.

But even then, the dogs will still be there. I couldn’t sleep in a bed that dogs (or cats) lie on.

TicklishMintDuck · 18/08/2025 20:55

Oh I couldn’t do it. My first ‘proper’ boyfriend (I was 17, he was 19) never had any toilet roll at his flat. He always smelt unwashed too. I’ve since raised my standards. 😂

Zanatdy · 18/08/2025 20:56

I’d be honest and say you don’t want to be judgemental, but you just can’t stay in his house as it’s very dirty. I mean he shouldn’t be shocked by this, he must know it’s filthy. To not even clean the toilet with skid marks is actually grim. I’d have had to clean it before I could have used it, and i’m not a massively clean obsessed person at all. I’d suggest he gets a cleaning company in to do a deep clean. See how he responds. In all honesty though, given it’s such early days, this would put me right off and i’d be throwing this one back in.

FrogFalacy · 18/08/2025 20:56

Op if you never plan to live with him then that’s one thing but do know THIS IS WHO HE IS!
If he moved in with you you’d have to tidy after him constantly.
For me it’d be a deal breaker. Messy is one thing and a bit lazy but this sounds truly awful!

MzHz · 18/08/2025 21:01

Raise your bar woman!

this is him trying to impress you

how has this not given you the ick???

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 18/08/2025 21:06

Personally this would be too big of a red flag in terms of compatibility for me, but as you say you really like him and asked WTF you do now, then all I can suggest is that you are brutally honest with him that you find his house intolerably dirty and that you will not be able to spend time with him there until he has properly deep cleaned it, and figured out how to keep it clean.
Realistically, this is the same as ending it with him because I can’t see that he will change, but at least you’ll know you gave him the chance to prove you wrong

CookingFatCat · 18/08/2025 21:18

Utterly disrespectful to take you home to his hovel which he hasn't bothered to clean. Did you use the loo? I bet his sheets were rank.

Up the bar, please!

Moonlightfrog · 18/08/2025 21:19

If he can’t put the effort in to tidy his house it’s likely he won’t put much effort into a relationship either. I can cope with untidy but not dirty……leaving the toilet in that state when your new girlfriend is coming over just shows that he doesn’t really give a f#ck.