New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

First post is all you need to read.

Absolutely revolting

FFS! Why would you date this man?

My daughter went to our nearest library and it smelt of piss, so she hasn't returned. She now takes the bus to the next one. Why would you date an able-bodied adult whose house reeks of piss?

Amen to this and I expect his ex is a reasonable woman who tells a different story.

If you stay with him, try to have what I suspect might be a very revealing coffee with her.

Thats true. I meant more can you outsource the problem ( if everything else is good )

I’ve got a friend who has 4 dogs , her house is like a show home , dogs aren’t an excuse for filthy , I’m not the tidiest person & admittedly have a lot of clutter but there’s a huge difference between untidy and dirty . I couldn’t stay in a dirty house . Takes 10 mins to bleach the loo …

I would say I am allergic to dogs and never go there.

My BiL's house is filthy with dog hair and we just refuse to visit. Ever.

Big NO to this…. he might be a nice person but filth is really off putting. Yuck, he might see it as a minor problem but if you value a clean and serene environment you will never get along and you will become frustrated and tired with it all…

Run for the hills

I absolutely wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship with somebody who doesn’t clean their home - our home is a representation of us as people.

Just NO. This is an unacceptable level of dirt. I am super clean & I appreciate not all my friends are the same but none are anywhere near this level. It says a lot about his priorities that his home can be this disgusting

Ultimately, sadly, you are not compatible. He is happy to live in shit and doesn't care or worse doesn't know what basic cleanliness is.

He also doesn't really care what you think or he'd have hired a team of cleaners to get the place shipshape if he wasn't capable of doing it himself.

What will end up happening if you stay with him, is you will not be able to stand the filth and you will clean it all up yourself, while telling yourself you're doing it for you so you can stop your skin crawling and stomach being there. They you'll have to keep in top of it because he sure as hell won't.

That's the rest of your life, right there.

Give him one chance to make the place spotless or it's over.

Sorry, but pack it in now. He just doesn't see/smell/feel the dirt. If you stay together you will spend your entire life cleaning up after him.

I feel sick reading this. Is he clean as a person?? I imagine not if his feet are black and a filthy toilet. I bet his arse and dick stink!

I wouldn’t even give him once chance because it’s not real change. I cannot cope with filthy homes, I know people have problems when I feel a bit down it’s not as immaculate but I have a child so I still keep it to a very good standard for her even when I don’t feel like cleaning. I just could not sit around in filth and do nothing about it and anyone that can is not on the same page as me so they have to go.

If his house disgusts you, he will too -eventually.

No. Just no.
I have dogs myself but I do my utmost to ensure no evidence / no smells !
Men who do not understand basic hygiene and cleanliness by their 30’s (I’m guessing?) are never going to get it…

He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

No, he doesn't. He knew you were staying over and still couldn't be bothered cleaning his filthy toilet.

You have wildly different hygiene standards.

This would be a huge no for me.

Also as other have said he does not treat you well if he knew you would coming and did not respect you enough to tidy up.

I am not the world's best housekeeper but if I'm having guests over the place gets a really deep clean particularly the kitchen and bathroom (it's never really that bad). If I went to someone's house for a 'romantic' evening and it was like this, I would be off out the door so fast! Definitely a deal breaker.

Unless you are prepared to do all the cleaning till death do you part, or if you massively lower your standards, it isn’t going to work. Dh didn’t have the cleanest apartment when we met but it wasn’t deplorable. He’s gotten better over the years, I lowered my standards and it works. But I can’t see this working unless you give him an ultimatum to clean up and keep it up or you are done.

I couldn't bear it. I think no matter what you do, he'll always have different ideas about cleanliness to you.

There are so many red flags here. This is not ok. Is he depressed? If you start off the relationship pretending this is acceptable things will never change. I couldn't contemplate someone with these standards for a second. Make your escape.

I don't think I could do this at all to be honest. I have allergies to dust and pet hair as well. I can cope if people are generally on top of their cleaning but if they let it all build up I will literally get unwell even just sitting beside them away from their home. I keep my home clean and tidy and would expect the same from a partner.

You’re not compatible I’m afraid, best to end it now. I’m sorry x