New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

If you don’t want to talk about it then why are you only responding to posts about OCD and ignoring all the posts from everyone trying to help you with the actual issue here - the filthy guy you’re dating.

It might have already been asked but is he clean, are his clothes clean?

I sincerely hope you are out of the situation not. Ugh, you poor thing.

He's been happy to live in that state since Jan. That says something about him and its that he is disgusting.

Imagine kissing him or having sex with him. His tooth brush must be disgusting. Please say you used a condom

Why be gentle? Toilet doesn’t get to the stage you describe without being left for weeks. The garden full of rubbish and dog mess in fact the more I read your first post the angrier I get. He lives on his own with dogs. I bet he insisted on sorting it himself when you commented as I doubt he sees it as a problem. Unless there is a clear difference next time you visit it sounds like you are on a losing battle. Not the same but my ex is lazy he was lazy when he lived with me but now in his own house his kitchen and bathroom are questionable and his own mother notices it. My son caught food poisoning there but instead of taking responsibility he just makes excuses. I love living in my own house now where I know Im not having to do more work because of someone else’s lazy behaviour. When two people are so different you will just resent it and not feel comfortable every time you visit.

Lovely men do not live like he does @merrygoroundsss

Just because you had a few nice dates doesn't mean he's a keeper.

Your self-worth must be rock bottom.
The fact you're even considering what to do.

There are great and lovely men out there who do not live in utter squalor.

You've already shown him who you are - a woman who accepts this kind of behaviour, stays the night and doesn't walk out in horror!

He needs a professional deep cleaning service, a regular cleaner and a dog sitter. Maybe then he could consider bringing a woman into his life

@blubberball you missed one , a therapist is also needed. A mentally healthy person wouldn't live like this.

Ewwww...there is no way I could be with someone like that. I fear I would have turned on my heel and left immediately.

The thought of entering a house like this makes me shudder and you're braver than I am to stay the night. This level of dirtiness is seriously off-putting and I speak as a woman with a weak sense of smell who loathes housework and lets dust gather (but has a clean kitchen and bathroom).

This man has procrastinated long enough on the cleaning front and to let it get (and stay) this grubby even with an imminent visitor is terrible. I can't imagine he will ever get better, not without a massive push. I'd tell him as gently as I could that I found the house to be in an unacceptable state and I'm sorry but it's goodbye. Maybe that will give him the kick in the pants that he needs.

It sounds like he needs professional help if he can't/won't improve matters.

I’d rather be single. Ewwww

Thank you, I am.

Oh yeah, and a therapist

Glad to hear it.

Does he have children? You?

He lets his dogs pee in the house rather than take them for regular walks and exercise. He doesn't clean up his dog shit filled backyard. Those poor dogs have to go in the equivalent of his filthy toilet.

He's not lovely. He is an awful dog owner who doesn't provide basic care for them. He lives in filth. He can't be bothered to take care of his home or his dogs.

A certain amount of surface dirt and hair can be explained by dogs, but not the toilet.

THIS. He is certainly not "lovely" he is a disgusting POS who isnt caring properly for his pets.

Frankly, I dont know how you can even bear to be in the same room as him considering his neglect of both his animals and his home environment and personal hygiene. It's appalling and utterly revolting.

Throw him back in the sea via his black toilet.

The beginning of a relationship is when you're supposed to be trying to make the best impression. You're seeing the most effort he will ever make for you.

When I first arranged to visit my ex's house, the kitchen was a bit grubby and it was a bit messy all around but nothing I couldn't handle and I'm not a neat person myself. I do not, however, leave wee in the toilet, and even if I was on some saving water thing, I absolutely would not do that with a new beau coming over for the first time. I wish, I REALLY wish I'd have made my excuses and left right then and not looked back. There were several more incidences of gross (worst imo was when we were in a B&B with a shared bathroom and he deliberately didn't close the bathroom door - he apparently didn't care about other people's feelings if one of the other guests has walked in and been subjected to the sight of him). Not only was he gross, it was the lack of putting himself in other people's shoes and caring about their feelings that finished the relationship off - and that was visible in hindsight from that first visit to his bathroom.

People show you who they are. You just have to believe them.

Not lovely at all! He's dirty and lazy.

Get rid and get some self esteem: Surely you owe yourself something better than dirt, grime and smelly dog hairs!

I find myself hankering for The late Kim Woodburn from How Clean Is Your House to descend and give bf a good telling off.

But she was nearly always far more judgemental of the women on that show and indulged the men even if she called them dirty beggars

If he follows the same pattern as many men, he won't be fussed about having kids either. It's a pattern of language that means that they can absolve themself of doing any of the labour associated with the dog or baby.

OP needs to ask herself if she wants to be posting on MN in 5 years time saying:

"My husband is a completely dirty lazy pig who smells, and I'm so sick of cleaning up dog shit and doing absolutely everything to make a nice home. There are skid marks on the walls! My life stinks... of dog urine... blah blah, blah."

Red Flags are there. Do we need to beat you with them? 🚩🚩🚩

How old is he by the way. Has he always had Someone Else to clean up for him

The RSPCA would probably be interested in the fact that dogs are living in that mess and filth, as it’s not suitable even for them! It’s so far from habitable for humans I don’t know where to begin.

You shouldn’t have to get yourself drunk to be able to stomach being at his place.

And it’s not your OCD or anything similar behind this. It’s disgusting (and believe me I’m not a clean freak!)

If you still have any interest in him, I’d have a very frank conversation that you cannot stay there again until it’s been deep cleaned - properly, even if it takes several visits. You won’t be doing so, and he needs to keep it hygienic and habitable once he’s done so.

Edit - or you can just finish it which is probably simpler!