New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

Being in possession of testicles means he can't use a phone?!

Nah. Don't do this. If he wants it clean, he can work this out himself. It's not women's work.

OP I also ignored red flags and ended up with a man living in my house who was aware he was weeing on the walls and floor and chose not to clean it up.

He also (it turns out) did not believe in using soap to wash his hands, or have the ability (with no physical disability) to change a duvet cover.

I am not talking about my own situation or diagnosis here, but it is not always a simple or quick process, it can take years to get a diagnosis. Therefore, just because someone has not received a medical diagnosis yet does not imply that they do not have OCD. I think you’re being harsh, honestly.

This is a hard no.

I don't think I've ever wanted sex so badly that I would stay in a house like that. Seriously, how could you sleep afterwards?

He’s not going to change. If he is as nice as you say he is, break up with him and politely and kindly tell him why.

He can use a phone but it's the thought process to actually call a company in that's usually lacking. OP should just give him the number If he fails to call she has her answer

Reminds me of when I one stayed over at an old boyfriends house years ago. He still lived with his parents. One look in the bathroom and I immediately took out the bleach and cleaned the whole room. I just couldn't face using it. Noone actually ever said anything to me about it!

My dogs have fee run of all of our rooms but our house is spotless. It is cleaned and hoovered at least every other day.

Dogs are no excuse for filthy conditions!

If you have to get drunk to tolerate the filth (and I bet his ex's new place is spotless), he's not the man for you.

Don't do it to yourself.

My dh is not one of life's clean and tidy souls. However, when we were dating his house was immaculate, every time I visited. It's only down the line I've realized that was not the true him. 😂 Point, is he made an effort. Throw this one back. Grim.

Often dog owners’ houses are cleaner because you end up hoovering and cleaning the floors every day, especially in winter. I say that as someone who used to have a dog.

Ok so I couldn’t put up with this, but if he ticked all other boxes and I really liked him, I would have an honest conversation which is ‘ I really like you etc, but I have OCD and being totally honest, with your house the current way it is, I don’t think I’d be able to stay again. Being even more honest, I’d need you to sort it out if we were to continue dating, I know it’s hard to get on with things when they’ve been a certain way for a long time blah blah…Then I’d suggest him getting a cleaner to see clean the house too to bottom so he just has to maintain it.

I was thinking this, I have been thinking about it a bit recently due to issues with a relative, is this not his personal hygiene? This is his standard that he is happy to walk out of and into each day? I would suggest your habitat is a part of your personal hygiene?

I agree it seems like he’s just using the dogs as a cover. The dogs weren’t the ones who left skid marks on the toilet after all. I don’t even think he should have any pets at this stage but there we go. I have idea why they had 9 to begin with or what their thought process was. Apparently he wasn’t fussed about animals but the ex loved dogs and wanted them. She took 2 with her when she left.

It's not my intention to be harsh at all.
And I certainly haven't told anyone to
" bugga off"

Sufferers have my utmost empathy.
Believe me I know first hand how devastating it is.

And a HUGE part of the problem in reaching diagnosis is that people look in the wrong direction because Social Media is full of knobs talking about how they are " a bit OCD" like it's a quirk.... because they like cleaning and order.

Nobody goes around saying " I'm a bit ADHD" , " I'm so schizophrenic -ish" " my bi polar disorder could never...." and these are things we frequently see about OCD.
Because of ignorance around the disorder.
And I don't use the word ignorance as an insult. People literally DO NOT understand what OCD really is.
So if I can say something I will.

So what are you going to do about this then?
Just leave the OCD out of it for a moment too. The vast majority of people on this thread who don't have OCD find it completely unacceptable. I feel like you're wondering if it's your OCD talking as it were and maybe you wonder if you're being unreasonable because if you didn't have OCD it would be ok.
No, OP, it isn't ok, OCD or not.
I think you should end it with him. He wasn't bothered enough to at least try to bleach the toilet and clean the bathroom for you and it's early days with him and normally they are trying to impress at this point.

Skid marks in the toilet is absolutely gross. It takes 2 seconds to stick a toilet brush down there and give it a swill with bleach.
I once went to a blokes house to stay (we’d been together around a year by this point) and there was a skid mark on his bed sheet. I refused to go anywhere near the bed until he had changed it!
I still shiver when I remember that moment!

Just drop him.

@merrygoroundsss unless he's toilet trained his dogs , which would be pretty impressive.

Seriously though , this issue is far bigger than cleanliness and hygiene. He saw fit to show you his environment knowing that it's disgusting. A cry for help perhaps? You're not the one for that job though , he needs professional input for sure.

On a side note , why do men do this? Presenting a project for a woman to help with is not what dating should be. He should be single right now and address his issues.

Anyone who can let things get this bad while living alone is not going to suddenly turn into a paragon of good housekeeping virtue just because he sets up home with a partner. I imagine he'd love it to be cleaner, but only if someone one else was doing it for him.

Do you want that to be your life? Where you constantly do the work of two people clearing up the skid marks of a lazy slob just so that your home environment can be tolerable rather than perfect? Because with a man like this your home will never be perfect and the best you can hope for is tolerable, unless you are constantly running around after him like his personal skivvy.

He's clearly one of those people who has really low standards and just isn't bothered by mess and filth.

If you tell him how much it bothers you and that it's a deal breaker for a longer term relationship then he may manage to improve for a while but I think anyone who is capable of living this way will always eventually revert to type.

Men are not fixer uppers. Bin him

I haven't read the whole thread, but at the beginning everyone makes a bit more effort/tries to show themselves at their best so this is him making an effort/you're seeing him and his house at it's 'best'... Unless you're willing to do 100% of the housework/chores if this relationship goes the distance, I don't think you're compatible.

He’s so disrespectful he let you come over to see his shit caked toilet, he thinks your bar is that low.

He is such a shit dog owner that he has two of them living in appalling and unhygienic conditions.

He is so unembarrassed by all this that he is walked around in this filth barefoot, making his feet filthy, then got into bed with you.

How is your bar this low OP? This is absolute madness. I’m assuming you at least kissed and cuddled him in bed despite all this if you stayed over? I mean… was your skin not crawling? Why did you stay somewhere unhygienic, uncomfortable and disgusting?

The fact you offered to help him clean makes me think you have massive people pleasing or doormat tendencies as it’s such a strange thing to offer a grown man who has been so rude as to not make even the bathroom remotely appropriate.

He left his shit stains for you to find OP. You rewarded him by staying over and offering to help clean…

If you were my mate I’d want to shake you!

Poor dogs as well.

He won't change or improve.