New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

You shared that you have ‘OCD tendencies’ and explained that by saying you don’t like a dirty house……..
I don’t know how someone with OCD could be in that house so in your case you couldn’t possibly see him again for your own wellbeing.

Liking things clean isn’t OCD tendencies, it’s liking things clean. OCD is debilitating. I know people that wash their hands with bleach to the point they are in agony, it isn’t something lighthearted. I have a separate bathroom for guests and my poor DP because I’m terrified of germs making me ill, I deep clean it before and after they visit but still can’t bring myself to actually use it.

He is grim and he isn’t going to get better, we make more effort at first when we meet someone so how bad will it be when he relaxes and stops making that effort.

Is he my ex op?

If not he's very much like him.

I was blunt and did say if you want me to stay here sometimes you have to clean - he didn't so the relationship didn't last much longer

He let him dog wee in my house and when I went apeshit I got "he's marking his territory" eeerrrrrrmmmm this is my house so not his territory

His dog and him were never in my home again

Yes! this is the best it will ever be, at the beginning, when he's trying to impress.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

But as a genuine sufferer then you must know how frustrating it is for people with OCD to see the ridiculous celebs, or anyone on SM talking about having OCD because they are clean freaks. The use of the term
" OCD tendencies" continues to perpetuate the myth that OCD is a personality trait when it is a severe mental illness.

And as for your dilemma... You're not compatible. He won't change.

Nooooo!

You actually stayed overnight in this shithole? I'm not the world's tidiest and cleanest when it comes to housework, but I couldn't have stayed in this filth.

Wasn't the bed minging too?

I could not stay in a house like that. Deal breaker.

My friend whom i love is filthy she never hoovers or cleans, she recently asked me to go over and look after her cat, when i was there alone i couldnt believe it i wont be going again i felt to filthy when i left, ..i would say to him either he allows you to come and clean or he pays a cleaner or you are not staying....why do you think his ex is his ex, god knows what his mattress or pillows are like, i bet his pillows are yellow

My DH has ADHD and his house was this messy when we met. I was young and naive and didn’t think much about it but actually I have a lifetime of cleaning up after him
ahead of me. He doesn’t see the mess and I can’t live with it so I have no choice but to clean up after him every day. Throw this one back OP! Let someone else be his maid.

I would end the relationship.

It's not acceptable living like that as a grown adult. Let alone inviting you round!!

You are not compatible.

Why on earth should the OP come and clean!!!??? No no no.

This would completely put me off.

He has shown you exactly what he is like - a lazy slob who is content with living in a grotty and unhygienic environment.

If you stay with him you will end up cleaning up after him and his dogs and bleaching his skidders on a daily basis.

I imagine he is also extremely lazy in other aspects of his life. I’ll bet he allows his garden to become overgrown with weeds, there will be diy jobs that need doing round the house that he never gets round to. His dirty washing is probably always overflowing. I’d bet money there will also be elements of this behaviour that creep into his self care and personal hygiene.

He can’t blame the dogs for the skiddy unclean loo. I think I’d tell him he needs professional help to get it clean, and then he can keep it clean. Personally I couldn’t be with someone who’s house was that bad - dog hair is one thing (I could cope) but the rest sounds like rot…

In my experience those first niggles you have are always the reason a relationship finishes in the end - even if it’s 20 years down the line

He's not going to get the house up to acceptable standard, leave

Can you imagine what the bed was like?

Ew. No way. Huge ick factor. That level of long term filth would 100% be a deal breaker for me. I'd be outta there & not look back.

Gross and disrespectful. He’d at the very least have cleaned the kitchen, toilet and bedroom if expecting you to stay

It’s not as if he’ll miraculously have the same standards as you, ever. Imagine the relationship progressing and you finding yourself doing more and more cleaning because “It’s easier”.

I would have left immediately.
My sisters and I cleaned a similar home once for my neighbour, she was disabled, and DM's pal.
I was blowing black dust from my nose for days, everything needed to be washed in boiling water to get rid of the sticky shit.
Imagine putting his sheets under a microscope. 🤢

Dump. 9 dogs ffs?!

I cna cope with a lot of grime but the bathroom would have turned me.

Id be honest with him and say you can't stay as frankly house his disgusting. You happy to date but until he cleans or pays to get a deep clean then nope you will not be going to his.

Oh dear OP, this sounds like it's not going to work. I'm sure you will be able to find someone who has more respect for you AND for himself.

Activate your self respect and finish with him.

I’m really sorry @merrygoroundsss - this relationship won’t work. He’s lazy and dirty and you’re not and once the early days of passion have died down you will be one of the people complaining on here that their partner is a good guy but doesn’t pull his weight in the relationship and you shoulder everything.
Bin him before it hurts too much x