Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New man’s house is filthy

605 replies

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:53

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

OP posts:
Catpiece · 18/08/2025 11:02

If the house is filthy then he’s filthy too.

Thunderpants88 · 18/08/2025 11:04

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 17/08/2025 22:56

His house speaks volumes about him. Even a poor person can be clean and try to take pride in what they have. He is just bloody filthy and lazy! An uncleaned toilet when you have a new date round?! Brace yourself for washing his skiddy undies and him leaving rubbish everywhere if you stick with him.

Edited

“Even a poor person”

What on earth does that have to do with anything? The OP didn’t say he was poor?

That does not read well!

Velmy · 18/08/2025 11:09

I wouldn't have stayed 5 minutes in a house like that, let alone a night. Disgusting. Did you eat there??

Not excusing his behaviour, but I can possibly see how something like this could happen...bad breakup, trying to look after 9 dogs and work. It's obviously got on top of him to a point that he can't manage it.

If you really like him (assuming he can afford it) I'd tell him that if he expects you to visit/spend time at his house again, he'll need to pay to have it professionally deep cleaned.

It'll be so much easier to manage with a fresh start (and a vacuum cleaner). If it just starts getting messy again, he's got no excuse, and you can walk away knowing that you've given him every chance.

WonderingWanda · 18/08/2025 11:10

I don't have ocd but cannot abide filth. I can cope with messy, cluttered, a bit dusty but the level of dirt you are describing suggests very low standards and some real issues functioning as an adult!

NoIffsNoButts · 18/08/2025 11:12

Eww, no no no 😭🤢 he may be lovely in every other way but his priorities are well out if he's hoping for a long-term relationship! I assume maybe some point in the future you might want to live together (or live between households) and given his mentality and your condition, it would be an ongoing trigger for your mental health.

I have no such conditions and have let things go over the last year (certainly not to his extent! Mine is mainly clutter whilst dealing with some issues) and I hate living like it...so I'm tackling each room in turn (have my room, shoe cupboard and snuggle area left!) and it's tough (ADHD/ASC) but in my opinion, it's a priority- it should be his OVER a relationship given some of this may be left over from a previous relationship. I would not be helping him either (nice thought) as I can guarantee it'll be you maintaining it. I would however support him in sacrificing some meals out to pay towards a deep clean and cutting him some slack in our time together in order for him to prioritise - no more.

If wish to pursue the relationship, I would make a stand in refusing to enter his home until sorted and see if it changes his mindset on your relationship. But to me, it's a deal breaker!

ormiwtbte · 18/08/2025 11:21

merrygoroundsss · 18/08/2025 08:47

You have no idea about my background or medical history, apart from what I’ve shared on this thread. I’ve been dealing with OCD (not just about being clean) and intrusive thoughts for a long time, since my teenage years, and I’ve needed therapy and medication for years to help me manage it. Think before you speak!

Show quote history

People have reacted to you saying in your OP that you have "OCD tendencies". Unfortunately, as you know, many people say things like "I'm a bit OCD" when they mean they like a very clean house etc, thus minimizing this serious mental heath issue.
If you'd said in your OP that you have a diagnosis of OCD and that you've received treatment for it/are still receiving treatment people wouldn't have reacted like that. So to be fair to the other posters, you weren't clear enough and used a phrase which people jumped on because they are also sick of people diagnosing themselves with OCD and calling themselves "a bit OCD" when they are nothing of the sort.

Anyway, you need to end it with him. There is no way in a million years you will be able to cope with this. You have OCD which requires treatment and he lives in a shit tip. Imagine the damage this is going to do to your mental health and the progress you have made to get the OCD under control.

Also, they do not change, ever. They can make all the empty promises they like and make a bit of an effort to impress you but at some point they'll return to having a dirty toilet and a home that smells of piss.

AugustSlippedAwayIntoAMomentInTime · 18/08/2025 11:22

Run

He was perfectly happy to bring you over to his knowing his place was absolutely filthy and disgusting, including the toilet he uses, probably hoping you'd offer to help him clean it up. Hence the fake 'warning' about the state of his place and how he's 'trying' to get on top of it.

No wonder his previous relationship ended. He sounds absolutely gross.

Peoplearebloodyidiots · 18/08/2025 11:37

Op, have you ever heard of the drama triangle, and in particular the role of the rescuer?

BeltaLodaLife · 18/08/2025 11:39

@merrygoroundsss
This is grim and it is not because of his dogs. Someone with a messy house due to pets means there is excess pet hair around the place, and maybe a damp smell from them always coming in a bit wet from walks etc.

What he has is just a filthy house. You don’t get a toilet bowl which is black and covered in shit because you have a few dogs. He just doesn’t clean. He lives in filth. He also washes himself in that bathroom… in filth. What state was the kitchen in? How often does he change his sheets?

This isn’t an issue of having pets and struggling to manage hair. He’s just filthy. Any life you have with him will be one in which you are his maid. How can you have sex with a man who is just dirty?

Zebedee999 · 18/08/2025 11:51

cestlavielife · 17/08/2025 22:55

You are not compatible
It is a massive issue

Spot on.

I'm OCD ish with cleanliness. Had a partner who wasn't; it caused endless arguments.

FloofyKat · 18/08/2025 11:54

I think there are several issues here. Has the house been like this for ages - and is this why his the partner is now an ex? If she was the cause of the lack of cleaning, why hasn’t he sorted things out? If the house has got like this since ex left, then why? Does he not care enough about himself and his dogs to keep a clean house? Has he no self respect or self care to recognise how bad things have got? And has he really so little awareness of how outsiders - you! - will see his home? No embarrassment at you seeing the state of his bathroom, for example? The black feet from floor dirt?

I suppose you could, if you really like him enough, say … look, X., I really like you and love your company. But I don’t love your home - it’s not somewhere I can be, and unless you recognise this and make speedy steps to change, then I don’t see our relationship continuing.

Or, as he doesn’t seem to get it, you could just say … look, X, you seem like a nice guy but it’s clear you have issues with cleanliness in your home, and I think you should get your house in order - literally and figuratively - before you think about having a relationship with anyone. You need to recognise that this is not normal or healthy. I can’t be with someone who thinks it’s ok to live like this. Bye.

You really don’t want to get drawn into a relationship where your role is therapist / cleaner / housekeeping adviser / nagger / etc.

ormiwtbte · 18/08/2025 11:58

BeltaLodaLife · 18/08/2025 11:39

@merrygoroundsss
This is grim and it is not because of his dogs. Someone with a messy house due to pets means there is excess pet hair around the place, and maybe a damp smell from them always coming in a bit wet from walks etc.

What he has is just a filthy house. You don’t get a toilet bowl which is black and covered in shit because you have a few dogs. He just doesn’t clean. He lives in filth. He also washes himself in that bathroom… in filth. What state was the kitchen in? How often does he change his sheets?

This isn’t an issue of having pets and struggling to manage hair. He’s just filthy. Any life you have with him will be one in which you are his maid. How can you have sex with a man who is just dirty?

Agree. I have cats and sometimes the hair is a right nightmare, especially during shedding season. It's hard to keep on top of and it means hoovering a couple of times a day, dusting surfaces more often and grooming the cats.

However, my toilet and the bathroom is always clean and hasn't got black marks anywhere, nowhere smells of piss, the floors are always hoovered and washed, the kitchen is always clean etcetc.

Even if he didn't have the dogs the place would still be disgusting.

Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 18/08/2025 12:01

I really cannot believe you spent a night there, and that you need other people to tell you it's a no brainer that you are incompatible and should not keep seeing him. 🤷‍♂️

vegetarianlouise · 18/08/2025 12:13

The bar is low.

333FionaG · 18/08/2025 12:13

The state of the toilet shows complete disrespect for you. If everywhere else is filthy but the bathroom is spotless, I’d give him a chance, but this level of grime? Yuck. Houses don’t need to be immaculate but what you’re describing is the sort of mess that needs a paid for deep clean and declutter. Throw him back.

Doggymummar · 18/08/2025 12:16

God no. I wouldn't have spent the night. Grim as can be

PigletSanders · 18/08/2025 12:19

merrygoroundsss · 18/08/2025 08:47

You have no idea about my background or medical history, apart from what I’ve shared on this thread. I’ve been dealing with OCD (not just about being clean) and intrusive thoughts for a long time, since my teenage years, and I’ve needed therapy and medication for years to help me manage it. Think before you speak!

Show quote history

Oh boy see you focusing on the wrong posts 🤯

Cotton55 · 18/08/2025 12:22

If he wasn't bothered to clean the toilet at the very least, you can bet he definitely didn't change the sheets. You were probably sleeping in sheets that were months on the bed. I feel sick at the thought of it!!

I love dogs and have 2 myself but my house is clean and tidy and my loos sparkling! This man may be nice and friendly etc but he has issues. It's not normal behaviour to live in such a disgusting state ESPECIALLY if you're inviting a new girlfriend over!! Things will only get worse if he's happy for you to see this first impression of his house.

Cotton55 · 18/08/2025 12:25

FloofyKat · 18/08/2025 11:54

I think there are several issues here. Has the house been like this for ages - and is this why his the partner is now an ex? If she was the cause of the lack of cleaning, why hasn’t he sorted things out? If the house has got like this since ex left, then why? Does he not care enough about himself and his dogs to keep a clean house? Has he no self respect or self care to recognise how bad things have got? And has he really so little awareness of how outsiders - you! - will see his home? No embarrassment at you seeing the state of his bathroom, for example? The black feet from floor dirt?

I suppose you could, if you really like him enough, say … look, X., I really like you and love your company. But I don’t love your home - it’s not somewhere I can be, and unless you recognise this and make speedy steps to change, then I don’t see our relationship continuing.

Or, as he doesn’t seem to get it, you could just say … look, X, you seem like a nice guy but it’s clear you have issues with cleanliness in your home, and I think you should get your house in order - literally and figuratively - before you think about having a relationship with anyone. You need to recognise that this is not normal or healthy. I can’t be with someone who thinks it’s ok to live like this. Bye.

You really don’t want to get drawn into a relationship where your role is therapist / cleaner / housekeeping adviser / nagger / etc.

Great advice. And I'd go with the second suggestion if it was me.

HerLivingontheHill · 18/08/2025 12:31

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

You're asking what to do?
You don't see him ever again.

He's not great.
He clearly has personal issues around hygiene and maintaining a home.
Maybe MH /ND issues- certainly not within the bounds of normality.

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

He's not lovely.
He doesn't treat you well.
He doesn't put in a lot of effort.

If he did either of those, he'd have either got Molly Maids in for a week to blitz his house or done the cleaning himself.

Take your rose coloured specs off.

Branleuse · 18/08/2025 12:32

I don't think you should consider living with him at any point.
If you get on well, cant you keep your lives separate but date him

Nevereatcardboard · 18/08/2025 12:33

It’s showing a complete lack of respect towards you that he didn’t bother to even clean the toilet before. His house is filthy which is completely unacceptable.

BeenThereBackThen · 18/08/2025 12:33

Honestly?

Cut your losses.

His house shows you his deep seated habits. His hygene habits are non existent. How do you feel about having sex with him knowing he came from that environment, sat of that dirty toilet seat and has splashes of whatever on his backside? Ewwww…

It’s also disrespect. He thinks it’s ok to bring you to the dirty place, to have you look at his skidmarks etc. In his eyes you are supposed to be ok with that.

This won’t get better. There are 2 endings to this:

  1. you accept this and ‘help’ him tidy up etc. Then when you live together you carry on doing it all. Resentment builds up and you split up x years down the line
  2. you cut your losses now
whitewineandsun · 18/08/2025 12:35

Disgusting. Who doesn’t clean their loo? Run so fast away from that.

pinkyredrose · 18/08/2025 12:36

merrygoroundsss · 17/08/2025 22:55

Just to add, I did offer to help and gave him some gentle suggestions, but he insisted on sorting it by himself.

Why on earth would you offer to help clean his house?!

Anyway I don't think this relationship has legs. No way could I be with someone who lives like that, the thought makes me feel sick to the stomach.