New man’s house is filthy

[merrygoroundsss]

Not really sure what to do here!

The new guy I’ve been seeing is lovely. We really hit it off and have a lot in common. He treats me well and puts in a lot of effort.

Just to give you some background, I have some OCD tendencies, especially when it comes to cleanliness. My house isn’t perfect, but it’s clean and tidy. He knows this.

He currently has 2 dogs, but he used to have 9 (not sure why, something related to his ex) and they trashed the house. His ex moved out at the start of the year. I'm not sure if things were like this while she was living there or if it started after she moved out. He told me prior to my visit that his house wasn't as clean as mine, but he was making an effort to improve it, though it might take some time. I didn’t expect much, but when I visited his house for the first time yesterday, I was gutted. It was filthy.
Picture dirty, grimy, and sticky. There were dog hairs everywhere. They’re allowed in every room, on the sofa, beds, you name it. He attempted to clean up before I arrived, which is probably why I feel bad for feeling this way, but his whole house needs several deep cleans!

I don’t think he hoovers, so when he mops, he’s just pushing the dirt and dog hairs around. The bathroom was especially awful. I don’t think the toilet had been cleaned in months (there were skid marks, the bowl was black, and the toilet seat was dirty too). The bathroom also had a strong smell of dog urine. He does mop up any accidents but I guess the urine has just soaked into the floor or something?! I kept my socks on while I was there, but he was walking around barefoot and his feet were black! The back garden was a mess too with dog shit and rubbish everywhere.

If I want to keep the relationship going, I need to spend more time at his house because of the dogs. I wouldn’t mind it if the house was actually clean. I’m supposed to stay there again next week, but just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. I feel terrible though, because he’s said he’s trying to sort it, so he’s not in denial or ignoring the issue. But when I left early this morning to come home, he said he was just going to have a lazy day before he had work tomorrow, which showed no effort to clean up or even start tackling the mess.

WTF do I do? I really like this guy, and aside from this one issue, he's great!

For most people this would be a hard no - but adding your OCD in the equation should make this an easy decision for you - you're just not compatible.

First - DO NOT offer to help him clear it up!! It's his house and his responsibility.

Second - Dont stay around his house again until it's cleaned to a standard you happy to stay in.

I suspect you will be waiting too long for that to happen - so you will probably want to end things now. Throw this one back @merrygoroundsss

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP but he isn't going to change. This is how he lives and thats it. Save yourself the heartache and throw this one back. He isn't a keeper.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

You are not compatible.

I'm far from meticulously clean and tidy, but filth takes a long time to build up and requires serious lack of interest (or serious health issues)

It will drive you mad, and to survive it, you'll inevitanby invest your time, energy and money into undoing his neglect.

There are better men out there.

OP I’d be concerned about your perception that he “puts in a lot of effort” as this is clearly very, VERY at odds with his general personality/lifestyle. His house tells you all you need to know about the level of effort he usually makes, so is all this “effort” just love bombing? It seems the advice here is overwhelmingly to walk away, however if you choose to give the relationship a go, I would have an honest chat with him, and whilst acknowledging him saying he’ll tidy the place up, be clear you won’t be spending any more time there until it’s all had a thorough deep clean. I do have reservations about what his version of clean looks like though, given he’s happy to let his new girlfriend use a shit-stained toilet (and dirty toilet seat 🤢). I’m by no means fastidious with cleaning, but I think I’d have needed a bath in a vat of acid after spending the night in that filth.

None of what you described was 9 dogs trashing the house. He has had over 6 months to hoover, mop and clean the bathroom. He hasn't. It would be one thing that 9 dogs had chewed something or there were scratch marks in walls/doors that he wasn't been able to fix yet. Yeah, life with dogs tend to be messier but there is no excuse for this.

Was the bedroom clean enough to sleep in @merrygoroundsss? Sorry people are trying to diagnose you on the internet, don’t listen to them!

Don't put up with this OP. I feel you are in danger if forcing yourself to, and telling yourself you are over reacting because of your OCD. This is actually common.
What you describe is unacceptable. If he cared he would either sort it or be too embarrassed to let you visit.
He is not worth the anxiety that this is going to cause you.
Look back, at the good times you've had, with your new knowledge. Everywhere you went, he did so with manky black feet and a lower half that had been sitting repeatedly on a filthy toilet seat. Whether he showers a lot or not - he steps straight back out to that. He'll bring that to your house too. Look at him this way always, because that is him.

Throw this one back. If he's trying to blame his ex for the house being a mess and she moved out at the start of the year, then he's had a good few months to sort the house out...

People tend to want to make a good impression during the early days of the relationship, for the first time a new partner stays over. Basically that level of squalor is the best it's going to get with him. He's probably secretly hoping you'll offer to help him clean up, don't do it!

One of my friends has had a fair amount of problems since becoming single including depression over work related stuff, redundancy and a really bad viral infection. She got to the stage where the house was cluttered as she'd dump things down, collapse exhausted on the sofa and then go to bed and start again the next day, leading to a blitz when she could not find anything. The bathroom was always clean however.

Another friend (male) kept on saying "Why haven't you met anyone new yet Lucy?" and she said she's not in the right place for a relationship. She's much better now and going back to University in September. She said she didn't want to inflict herself on a man.

Can you imagine a man saying that? Guys like this Prince Charming wouldn't care, it'd be Thank U, Next! Just like the OP is finding.

Why does the OP have to explain herself?

Id hazard a guess that it’s because, as she has explained, that she has worked through a lot of her issues over many years, but the old feelings (tendencies?) are still there if triggered. But it really wouldn’t be for me to say, and you really should take her at her word or not bother commenting.

@OP I like things clean. I feel uncomfortable in my own home if I feel standards have slipped (often happens after we’ve had visitors between cleaner visits!). I couldn’t sit down in a house you describe - well I’d be perched on the edge of the sofa trying to work out how I can pretend to drink tea.

Regardless of whether the OP has OCD or not, a grimy sticky house that stinks of dog urine is absolutely not normal and most people's natural reaction to it would be one of complete disgust (as you can see from people's reactions in this thread!!)

I do not have OCD in the slightest and this scenario disgusts me and makes me feel quite ill just thinking about it. Wanting your house to be clean and hygienic is pretty usual for most people, OCD or not. I could not continue in a relationship with someone like this and as everyone else has said, you simply arent compatible.

Yep, he’s using the dogs as an excuse for his own filthy habits. It wasn’t the dogs that shat all over the toilet bowl, was it? And the dogs haven’t barricaded themselves in the bathroom preventing him from cleaning it.

He must know he’s filthy, hence his mention of the dogs as an excuse before the OP visited. But even knowing how grim his house was, he still didn’t bother to clean the loo, nor did he exhibit any shame whatsoever when she did visit.

This is all just repulsive 🤢 🤮

You're right. I wouldn't be able to stay 10 minutes in there, never mind stay the night, sleep in his bed and use the toilet 🤮 🤢

Oh no way. That's just basic hygiene, a bottle of bleach & anti-bac he could have at least sorted the loo. Unless he deep cleans or gets cleaners to do it I would refuse to stay there. It's ok to tell him! See how he reacts?

Assuming you do really really like him and want to give him a chance then tell him it’s non negotiable that he completely cleans up his house. Don’t offer to help him and don’t give him advice and see what happens. Does he have any MH issues or other issues that might be causing it? Or do you think he is just lazy?
Has he spare cash? Could he pay someone?

I couldn’t stay at a house like that. It would make my skin crawl. I’d really worry about his personal hygiene too.

Run for the hills. This is him in the early days, trying to impress you…. 🤮🤢🤮

She doesn’t, I was just curious as it’s a very odd turn of phrase from someone with an official diagnosis 🤷‍♀️

I couldn’t be with someone that dirty. Even houses with dogs should be cleaner that that.

I doubt you are compatible long term. Short term he could pay for a deep clean.

if you are planning on staying over I would actually be very blunt as he is either expecting you to help clean or not bothered about his living environment. The minimum I would expect when staying over is a clean bathroom and kitchen, clean sheets on bed and dogs excluded from bedroom. If you don’t say anything the situation won’t improve. He should be cleaning up outside the pets. It sounds grim and if there is no change it’s unlikely the relationship will survie.

I am a notoriously messy person, and I have a huge dog-but I could not stay in this house. Dog hair, fair enough it gets everywhere and is hard to keep on top of but black feet from the floor? A filthy loo-unacceptable-he could've at least cleaned those before your visit. What was the bedroom like?

He knows how bad his house is & still invited you in.
My brother is similar, he will stub cigarettes out on the floor, bathroom will be destroyed, washing left in machine for weeks on end.
He will use every single item of crockery in house and when he runs out of counter space, he puts the dirty stuff in the fridge!!
The house gets cleaned once a week (not by him) and it will be right back to square one by next week.

I wouldn't waste time on this man OP until he has shown massive changes in his living situation.
If he wants to clean it up, he will.
If you continue seeing him but only at your place, he will start bringing his mess to yours.
I would only proceed if he shows he can keep his word & actually clean his place up.

My concern would be his ability to tolerate filth and your higher standards will mean you end up as an unpaid cleaner - and I'm not suggesting he'd purposefully take advantage of the benefit for himself, but it could end up that way if he doesn't put in the consistent effort to keep it cleaner

It isn’t clear to me that the OP even has evidence of ‘nine dogs’ being previously resident in the house. It could just be something he says to ‘excuse’ the shitty house.

Trouble is, he has deliberately targeted a woman who, having seen his place, would immediately offer to clean it for him.

This is what makes me really quite angry.