To say no to my partner?

[GenerallyVeryUnreasonable]

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

He is trying to exert control. Slowly but surely. Making you feel like there is reason to doubt you for doing something entirely innocent. He's hoping you cancel just to avoid the hassle/ accusations. This is what abusers do. They isolate you and then abuse you. This has nothing to do with ADHD.

Why are you putting up with this? Volatile moods and anger is no place for a child, your child, and he’s acting like a big man child not someone with adhd.
if you like spa dats go in the spa day if he wants to check it out he can go along with you.
you shouldn’t need to lie to him just to do something you like doing.

This. Tbh it's worrying that these obvious red flags have not put you off!

Why are you offering passwords etc to a man who is only some respite from parenting?

Why are you considering stopping spa days to keep the peace with a man who you only want on the edge of your life?

If he's just a bit of fun then he doesn't get to impact on the rest of your life. If you're considering more with a man who is volatile and controlling then you will have much bigger problems than missing a spa day.

OP, you obviously can’t quite see it yet, but everything you have described is exactly how coercive and controlling relationships work. It will get worse and worse, and will affect your daughter in the end too.

Please, please, leave this abusive man ASAP.

He’s already trampling over your boundaries.

You’re scared of his volatile reactions.

He’s stopping you spending time with friends and family, using absolute bullshit reasons.

This is not a joyful, healthy relationship.

In the early stages of a relationship, controlling men work very hard to let their controlling streak not bubble to the surface. They test the waters, to see what and how much you put up with. They wait until you are more invested in this relationship and then their controlling behaviour will creep up steadily. This is what is happening to you.

Change your passwords and dump the guy.

The fact you have to tiptoe around your partner, white lies to cover what you think he won't want to hear, and then ask on here....no, this is not a good relationship.

You want one where, for example, just as in my life in this past couple of months, you can go for lunch with a former workmate, call round to see a friend - someone you first knew 40+ years ago, and go for breakfast with someone that you are very good friends with, but haven't seen in ages just because it's time for a catch up, and in all instances a) you've told your partner/husband (and he thinks it's a good idea and about time you had a catch up with your friends) and b) the above just happen to be all male. DH not so interested in coming along too these days, but he has done from time to time, because often we talk about people he doesn't know and things that happened that he wasn't part of, especially when with the former workmate as there is still a lot of workplace gossip.

Why on earth have you given him passwords and access to your phone after only a year in a relationship, when you don’t even live together

Because she has to 'earn' back his trust. Of course she never will. This is a gift to a man like this. He can wheel this out whenever he wants to control her.

This relationship should have ended as soon as the first replies to this thread started coming in.

You are sleepwalking into a controlling relationship.

Throw this one back.

for the future: No man needs to know your passwords.

When you say you 'broke his trust' - in what way? I assume you didn't actually cheat on him? Were the lies you told the kind of lies that you tell someone so they just stop badgering you about something? For example - my ex was abusive (violently so) and I knew that if I went for even one drink with colleagues after work, he would kick off if there were male colleagues there. So I would lie and tell him it was only a couple of female colleagues. Sure, I was lying to him - but I was lying to him because he was completely fucking nuts and it was the only way I could ever do normal, harmless stuff.

Your partner sounds a lot like this and frankly, you should ditch him. Now. In fact you should have ditched him ages ago. He's a controlling, unstable prick.

It sounds like a similar situation.

I've been there as well. It's exhausting. Even if there's nothing to find, they'll pick at a detail and make an issue. It's what they do. They like abusing their partners, that's why you can't win. You're not supposed to. It's not constructive criticism to help to grow as a person. It's full on abuse to break you.

As I often say here, these men do not think like you do.

i don't think you sound compatible. Find someone who you won't lie to and who will trust you.

Well, you haven’t helped yourself with your lies, but given that you can’t take those back, he either has to agree to forgive and work through any residual trust issues, or you need to split.
Him becoming a controlling, moody, unpleasant partner is not going to fix the damage your lies did. It’s going to make matters worse where the trust will be gone on both sides.

Have a chat about his concerns, see if you can rationalise things with him, then make a decision.
I’d preparing for a split if I were you.

No. She doesn’t need to repair this. She needs to run away as fast as she can 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

I totally get how intoxicating it is to have some love and distraction after a divorce, and it can be tempting to let yourself believe that this is the only person you could have a relationship with. But realistically there will easily be other men, men who aren't controlling or potentially a risk to you. Difficult as it is, curtail this, take a breather and then enjoy the process of dating to meet someone who is normal about this stuff.

He goes in the bin.
You can't be this desperate for a man, surely?

Who cares if he's got ADHD.

ADHD is hereditary, by the way, so if you have kids with him, there's a good chance he'll pass it on.

Thanks for all the replies. It is over and I’ve told him what I think of him. Namely, abusive and misogynistic. Blocked everywhere.

Believe it or not, I am an intelligent and capable woman, but these things creep up on you very slowly and there is so much mind-fuckery that you cannot see the wood for the trees. There are also good times amongst it all, making it even harder.

He very much had me in a position where I was the guilty party and always having to work hard to fix whatever I was guilty of. This definitely ramped up the more I tried to set boundaries about how I would be spoken to etc (eg shouting, swearing). Then he stopped shouting, but upped the guilt trips and ultimatums, which is confusing because, on the surface, it looks as if someone is making and effort to change and respect your boundaries, when really they have just changed tact.

But anyway, thank you all again for taking the time and the care to reply.

Well done , I hope you are ok OP. Once the dust has settled you’ll be really pleased you took decisive action .

Well done. That can’t have been easy, but you did it.

Bravo, you can reclaim your own life now and do whatever the hell you please - you’re free.

Well done.
Be careful.
He sounds unhinged.
Do not hesitate to call the police, paticularly if he threatens to self harm.
The police are well use to abusive men trying to use thrests of self harm to control ex's.

Ring the police immediately and hand it over to them.
Well done you.

I'm glad to hear that you're safe and away from him. Men like this often reel you back in with changed behaviour. Don't fall for it!