To say no to my partner?

[GenerallyVeryUnreasonable]

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

If you feel like it's bad to say no to him, it will remain very hard not to lie to protect yourself from having to choose between saying no to him or giving up something you value. So while you're both framing this as his difficulty trusting you after you lied, your lying itself reflected your difficulty trusting him to accept your no. Your distrust predated his.

That might be something more about you & your previous experiences than about him, but based on his attitude to spa days I wonder if you were correctly intuiting that your options were tell him white lies or give up your autonomy / activities that don't centre him etc?

If you think the relationship is worth it, practise saying no to him a lot & sticking to it - you both need to learn you're allowed to have boundaries. Stick to your guns, even about trivial things, for a few months. If he can't take that - if the only ways to stay in the relationship with him are giving up things that matter to you & don't affect him (like the spa days) or lying to him - get out of there. If he responds to your increased openness by accepting / embracing your increased assertiveness, great.

Why are you even with this arsehole?
Your daughter has one childhood - don’t wreck it by inflicting this man on her.

Get rid, this is a major red flag. Honestly spas are about the least sexual thing ever. Slouching around in a robe and slippers in no makeup, awkwardly trying to give yourself enough room in the fancy Himalayan salt room or eucalyptus steam room or whatever and then rushing out when you overheat!

I went with my husband once thinking it would be a bit romantic, he fell asleep 20 mins in & I explored the rest of it by myself!

He sees spas as sexual?? Wtf?? I've been missing out on some sexy spa experiences apparently because i can't think of anything less sexual than a spa. Can you imagine what he thinks of a girls trip to the Algarve, or a night out clubbing in the nearest city. He sounds like he is likely to become very controlling. Do not take heed, choose the spa.

Sounds like the start of him being controlling!

You lie because you are scared of his reaction.
He wants to stop you spending time with your mum and friends with some ridiculous idea of spas being sexual. Has he ever even been to a spa? There is nothing at all sexual about a spa.
This man is abusive and he is gasslighting you to think you're in the wrong.

“passwords, access to my phone, location sharing” No way would I ever divulge these to someone with such obvious unfounded distrust in me

See how the things that are wrong are all your fault? You've broken his trust. You've hurt him. He's got you doubting yourself through guilt.
No! He is the problem. He sounds awful with his unpredicable moods. He's controlling and gaslighting you. There are huge red flags in your OP. How on earth has he got you to share your phone access and passwords? You need to listen to the responses in this thread and get out.

You need to change all your passwords, remove the location tracking and never see him again.

These volatile mood swings are clearly already changing who you are. You shouldn’t have to lie out of fear of a reaction from someone who is supposed to love you.

You haven’t actually done anything wrong, yet you are now bending over backwards to earn back his trust. He has serious issues with harmful behaviour and will always find a reason not to trust you as he knows this is the way to control you.

These are major red flags and staying with him any longer just drags out the inevitable because you already know that you can’t make him part of your daughter’s life in the future.

Ditch him and go celebrate at the spa! X

He is unpredictable and volatile. You tip toe around him and lie so as not to rock the boat. He’s telling you where you can and can’t go. He’s got you giving him passwords and location sharing. He has made you feel ashamed for responding to his behaviour in a way that was basically to keep you safe.
And you are asking as an adult woman if you are unreasonable to go to the spa with your friend. You are doubting yourself. There are some fundamental issues here re his behaviour that are not acceptable. He is controlling and likely dangerous. You need to end this.

So, you are with a volatile man who has access to your passwords and 'phone knows where you are all the time, and you think him not wanting you to go to a spa is the red flag???

This Man sounds really controlling. There is no excuse. He shouldn’t be dictating what you can do and the fact that you feel you need to lie to keep the peace is worrying. Does he bring you more joy or stress and unhappiness. If you had to put a percentage on it what would it be?

What was the thing you had to white lie about, I'm thinking it was something simple like a night out with colleagues a few of whom were male. Well done on not introducing him to your DC and not letting him move in.

Oh just fuck him off for goodness sake, don’t stay with a controlling loser. You literally have no need for him and he’ll bring you and your child nothing but trouble.

What kind of weird spas is this guy going to?! You are not being unreasonable. I would consider ending the relationship.

He sounds like bad news, sorry. If you're worried about his reaction to things to the point of feeling you need to lie, that's never going to end well.

The spa thing is unusual. Many, many people enjoy spa days alone or with friends, me included. Nothing sexual about it. The fact he thinks they're sexual makes me wonder whether he has been for massages somewhere where the staff are expected to offer 'happy endings'. I hope I'm wrong.

Yes 100% all this.

Reminds me of my ex. He was totally normal or so I thought until he accused me of only attending overnight stay work events to get up to no good and even that I was texting men whilst he slept 🤦🏻‍♀️. And I was so shocked I crumbled and gave him my phone and was mortified wondering what on earth id said or done for him to feel this way.

@GenerallyVeryUnreasonable Seriously LTB, from experience the paranoia and demands get worse not better.

He's a walking red flag.

Don't bring him around you daughter.

A relationship where you feel the need to lie in order not to incur his volatility is not healthy.

Assuming the lies were about innocent-enough issues, it is chilling that you now feel in the wrong and have ‘broken his trust’ to the extent that he had essentially taken control of your privacy

And deeply concerning that he now thinks he has the right to control your trips to a spa.

You are not choosing a spa day over him. You need to say no to him because you are saying yes to doing something you enjoy and that is self care for you. You are doing nothing wrong.
I can understand that this is difficult when he has been twisting your words and playing mind games. But strip it back to the most simple version: You are doing nothing wrong and anyone who attempts to make you feel guilty for taking care of yourself does not love you or have your interests at heart.

“However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places.”

Is his discomfort from the fact that many spas are fronts for brothels and a lot of the workers are modern slaves? They’ll usually offer services for women as well as men to make it look less suspicious.

Have you asked him specifically why?

I never go to spas or nail salons because I don’t want to fund human trafficking.

I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

What is not a deal breaking topic to you, may be to him and vice versa.
Example, man subscribing to only fans…not cheating to him, but cheating to his partner.

Can you share a few of the white lies and perhaps why you were trying to cover up? What reaction were you afraid of?

I didn't read the bit about suicide threats unless I've missed something

You’re allowing a man to TRACK you?

Holy shit, OP.

Offering your phone up, password to this controlling, out of control headcase?

Dump him.
Keep him completely away from your child.
He is controlling and abusive and will get worse.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk
Read "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood.

Read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Protdct yourself and your child and dump him.