To say no to my partner?

[GenerallyVeryUnreasonable]

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

Yes. this.. you are now "in the wrong" as far as he's concerned because you told some small lies about things.

However, you are doing that because you know he's going to over react and you want to "keep the peace"

Why should you and your little DD have to "keep the peace" with any man. You've only been going out a year yet he's acting like he's in charge of you, deciding which activities you can do.. the whole deciding that spas are dodgy and there fore you are up to no good is nonsense. You know it and He knows it.. It's just pushing to see if he can control you.

He's a proper Wrong Un OP and once's he's won the Spa battle he will find something else he wants to stop you doing. Please don't let him.

Ive just spotted the bit where you have to "offer up" passwords, phones, etc..
That is NOT A NORMAL REQUEST DON'T ALLOW IT.
That is actually stage one abusive... do you want to hang around for the next stages?

Mother of God, how is it that blokes like this manage to ensnare women? You’d think we’d have evolved a stouter carapace against such dicey types by now, given the boggling amount of practice we seem to have had with them so far.
JUST GET A CAT, for way better company than with black holes like this, and also far less snooping through your personal communications. Bloody nerve of the man.

End it. He’s volatile and controlling and not good for you.

The biggest ted flag here is that you are allowing a boyfriend of one year to have your passwords, access to your phone and to track your every movement. You are so desperate for him to like you and trust you that you have given up the possibility of having a private life. Your passwords are there to protect you, same with the pin code on your phone. He can access all kinds of things and reset passwords himself by simply having access to your phone.

This is coercive control escalating (can’t even say starting as he’s already got you breaking usual boundaries) please get yourself away from this vile little man as quickly and as safely as you can.

I got to 4 year old daughter + unpredictable and volatile and had seen enough. Bin him. He's clearly unsuitable to be around your child so the whole spa thing is completely irrelevant.

Edit: just read your reply that you don't plan on introducing him to your daughter. Doesn't change my response. Plus how can you be sure that you will keep that up indefinitely? Must be quite difficult to keep things entirely separate and your daughter may well figure things out for herself as she gets older.

Someone has already mentioned the Freedom Programme. Please do this.

Also read WHY DOES HE DO THAT - free pdf online.

And stop seeing him, obviously.

Can't vote as you are not unreasonable to go to a spa but you are unreasonable to not dump the controlling fucker

If somebody needs to start tracking you and says you can’t have a day out with a friend, then that’s the time to call it a day. Far too controlling and you should raise your standards.

Don't start pandering to this bullshit. Anyone who is trying to control what you do with your free time in this way is not a good person.

You've described him as volatile and unpredictable. Why would you think it a good idea to introduce such a man into your daughter's life?

Fuck him off, no good will come of him and he sounds like a waste of space.

A year in and you feel like a bad person and a disappointment, and he wants to stop you going for a spa by yourself because its sexual?
He is volatile?

Jeez woman. Raise your standards

If you don't live together you can go where you want, he's not in your house all the time to watch you. When you next see him you can say you went to a spa at the weekend and had a lovely relaxing time. If he gets in a strop you dump him

[sorry, no idea how to edit a comment]

Could I soften my insomnia-based remarks by underlining that I’m just shaking a fist at a cloud here, ranting pointlessly at the Universe.
Regarding OP herself though, I hadn’t intended to sound ranty at her. I hope she’ll find the strength to extricate herself from this thicket with the guidance of the thoughtful advice others have offered. It’s heartbreaking to know just how many women will relate only to well to her situation.

You shouldn’t lie to someone you are in a relationship with.

But you also shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone you feel you have to lie to.

If you are lying because you are a scared of his temper you should run for the fucking hills

If I understand correctly you don’t live with this man? Why the hell would you have to ask permission or even consider his opinion about what you do with your leisure time?

There are lovely men out there. Dump this one and keep him well away from your life and your DD.

Oh my god you need to change your phone passwords etc and get away from this man.

You don’t need to be with him

Why be with someone you are scared to tell the truth to?

Is he confusing a spa with some dodgy backstreet massage parlour?!

Bloke sounds controlling and insecure. I can’t see the attraction at all. You say the relationship brings you joy? How? By demanding your passwords/access to your phone? Wtaf? Of course he’s being ur!

For a short time you can edit a post by clicking on the three dots in the top right of the comment box x

Is his discomfort from the fact that many spas are fronts for brothels and a lot of the workers are modern slaves? They’ll usually offer services for women as well as men to make it look less suspicious

Really? Have you any data to back that up?

Your partner is a Prick

Please get rid of him
and be sure to change all your
passwords, locks and anything else that would let him access you and your life.

Go where you like - tell him to get lost, he’s trying to control you.

It may feel joyful now and no one could blame you for wanting some fun but this man is going to bring misery in the long run if it carries on. It sounds like he will become more and more controlling. You are young and the world is full of much nicer men than this one, however unlikely that may feel at the moment when you are weighed down with responsibilities.

I think the real issue here is why you are with someone who is so unpredictable and volatile that you feel you need to lie. This does not sound like a great person to have around your young daughter, she should be your priority. Now this man is adding controlling to the list. Massive red flags!! Don't excuse his bad behaviour because of ADHD. I'd be dumping this one.