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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my partner?

134 replies

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 22:09

I’m post-divorce, mid 30s, 4yo DD and in a relationship with a man for the last year. The relationship is good in lots of ways. I’m ashamed to say though that I broke his trust. I told some white lies and then tried to cover them up, and the truth came out in bits and pieces. Although none of the lies were about deal-breaking topics, it’s the broken trust that’s hurt him a lot.

He has always been quite unpredictable and volatile in his moods and reactions and that obviously raises a red flag for me. He has ADHD so some of it could be about emotional regulation, although I know that’s not an excuse. I was always just trying to keep the peace by avoiding (lying about) things I thought might provoke a reaction from him. Unfortunately it was how I was brought up. I’m learning and I know I wouldn’t repeat it, whether with him or someone else in my future.

He has asked for something that has particularly concerned me. I have always enjoyed spa days, whether alone or with a friend, partner or my mum. However, my partner has expressed discomfort at the idea of me going alone or with a friend. I think he sees spas as sexual places. I wholeheartedly disagree and have spelled out how much joy I get from a day alone or with a good female friend and the lack of sex in these places.

I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

So AIBU to not concede to this? Should I be seeking some sort of compromise? Am I choosing a spa over my partner, or is this a bigger, more worrying thing? Is he BU for asking this?

OP posts:
Laura95167 · 18/08/2025 18:01

Passwords and location sharing for no reason other than he doesnt trust you? 🚩🚩🚩🚩

MamaElephantMama · 18/08/2025 18:03

I think you should be cutting him out of your life.

DaisyChain505 · 18/08/2025 18:03

Red flag all round here. Lots of unreasonable, controlling and paranoid behaviour here.

You have a daughter you need to protect. What’s the point of continuing to see this man if it will never go anywhere because he is not the sort of person you want living with your child.

StrokeRecovery25 · 18/08/2025 18:13

The 'OP' hasn't been back in 2 days, I'm hoping it's not a genuine thread or if it is that she's ok.

if it's real @GenerallyVeryUnreasonable you need to get away from him ASAP as safely as possible. Reset all your passwords & block his access to your location, plus block him everywhere!!

Vynalbob · 18/08/2025 18:14

Sounds more than a bit off to me.
⛳

upandleftthenright · 18/08/2025 18:19

Good you have no plans to introduce him to your DD as he is an abuser and that is the last sort of relationship model she needs. Run.

Ladymeade · 18/08/2025 18:54

"I have never done anything that would suggest I’m a cheater. I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing"

Please don't feel pressured into placating this bat shit partner, That is one huge red flag imo, that you feel the need to do this.. If there's no trust, there's no relationship.

Pregnancyquestion · 18/08/2025 19:00

GenerallyVeryUnreasonable · 16/08/2025 22:21

Thanks for the replies so far. Just to point out, I have no plans to bring him into my daughter’s life. The relationship has been providing me with some joy and respite outside of my parenting life but the balance has started to tip.

Edited

He's already started emotionally abusing you, it’s only going to get worse and I don’t know why you are ok with that

MzHz · 18/08/2025 19:27

@GenerallyVeryUnreasonable I’ve offered up a lot in the name of accountability and repair - passwords, access to my phone, location sharing.

no, stop this now. You’ve been seeing this bloke for a year, you know it’s surface and not likely to go anywhere, and he’s a prick.

you owe him NO explanation at all, and certainly no passwords etc. this is a stepping stone away from a controlling relationship

bin him. He either accepts and trusts you for who you are, or he gets the fuck out of the way

Sunaquarius · 18/08/2025 19:28

What spas has he been to is what is be wondering?

Blablibladirladada · 18/08/2025 19:50

You should break up…

ItsFreedomBabyYeah · 18/08/2025 19:54

He wants you to give up something that gives you the most joy.

Read that back to yourself.

Tell him to jog on.

SL2924 · 18/08/2025 19:55

Get rid of this bozo. Red flag central.

FridayFeelingmidweek · 18/08/2025 20:37

F*ck that. Slippery slope this - especially from a man telling you who to see and when. Steer clear or firmly tell him your will not controlled. Or leave if he disagrees. Especially if you have children.

Why would you ever think this was ok? If you're in doubt, contact a domestic abuse call-line and they'll probably tell you to run a mile.

Maninpeace · 18/08/2025 20:42

I’m almost positive you could find some joy and respite with someone who is less volatile 🤷🏼

you sound like you’re treading on eggshells a bit and it’s simply not worth it.

ForFluentLimeFatball · 18/08/2025 20:48

Run, but change your passwords and access to your location etc. This is coercive control.

AtLeastThreeDrinks · 18/08/2025 21:15

He thinks women going on spa days are going there for sex?! He thinks you and your mum go to sex spas together? He thinks he, a man who hasn’t been to a spa, knows what they’re about more than you, a woman who has been? No he does not, come on. He just doesn’t want you going out and enjoying yourself 🚩🚩🚩

Festivespirit85 · 18/08/2025 21:18

This! Controlling OH's do it so slyly, you don't realize until it's too late. It starts with they don't feel comfortable you going someone with a friend (usually under the guise of 'they worry about you being safe,' that gets you all confused and start to distance yourself from friends. Then they start on causing rifts with your familial relationships. Before you know it, you are completely cut off and trapped with a monster. I speak from experience.
Cut him off now, change all your passwords, any security information so he can't hack into your accounts, and revoke location sharing.

DahliaBlooming · 18/08/2025 21:20

Throw this one back OP. Chalk it up to a rebound relationship, block him and move on.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 18/08/2025 23:23

So you’ve been with this bloke for 12 months and already you:

  • tiptoe around him and tell ‘white lies’ in order to manage his moods;
  • are aware of his volatile side and moderate your behaviour in order not to provoke it;
  • have handed over personal devices and private information such as your passwords;
  • have allowed him to track your location;
  • are considering giving up a harmless pastime you enjoy because this fucking idiot bizarrely thinks spas are ‘sexual’ (what the hell does he think people do in there?!)

And you’re wondering whether you’re the unreasonable one, OP? Can’t you see how totally insane all this is, and what a future with this person might actually look like? FFS get out now.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 18/08/2025 23:49

Btw, your description of the ‘white lies’ you’ve told and your shame over them and how much they hurt him just scream control. Men like this will use the slightest leverage they can get to increase their stranglehold. They’ll blow something minor up into ‘deep hurt’ and ‘trust issues’ and make you feel you’ve done something so wrong you need to tie yourself in knots to regain their confidence - which is how I bet he got access to all your personal information and started the device sharing shite. If he’s not started on your clothing yet, he will. First it’ll be the cold shoulder if you go out somewhere looking (in his mind) too attractive. Which will result in a row, but “it’s only because he loves you so much and feels so lucky to be with you that he can’t stand the thought of other men looking at you”. So you’ll stop wearing that dress, even though you love it. And on and on it goes.

These shitty, smothering men weaponise their insecurities and make you feel solely responsible for their emotional regulation, boxing you in tighter and tighter until there’s nothing left of you - at which point you’ll be second guessing whether you should even be setting foot outside the door without him, let alone taking yourself off for a spa day.

PennyRest · 19/08/2025 02:34

’accountability and repair’?? He’s ‘hurt’ so you have to forego personal freedom?
OP please change all your passwords. Switch off location sharing. That’s absolutely appalling, and it isn’t normal to be made to feel you have to do any of that.
He sounds awful and it definitely isn’t anything to do with ADHD.

hattie43 · 19/08/2025 06:34

I don’t think this is the right man to raise your daughter around . He sounds too volatile and having to give up private passwords to ease his suspicions is too much .

PollyBell · 19/08/2025 06:53

How on earth is any of this fair on the child you chose to have, and why do women keep on choosing this? men are good at hiding and the red flags are never there, since when?

Do you want your child to grow up and do the same?

Arctician · 19/08/2025 07:41

Oh dear. YOU are not being unreasonable. HE is. YOU tip-toe around his feelings. HE doesn’t give a sh1t about yours. The guy doesn’t have ADHD. He’s a bad tempered control freak. Bin him - NOW. Enjoy your spa sesh. And book an extra treatment as a reward for putting yourself first. Make it a habit 💯