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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have tried to explain to DN (ASD) about being kind ?

99 replies

yesImfat · 16/08/2025 19:46

DN is 9 and has ASD. She’s lovely and we see her a lot so she’s very comfortable with me BUT she is exceptionally honest. To the point it can come across as rudeness, i understand this but today she was fixated on my appearance.

From the moment we arrived she kept saying how fat I looked. That I’m ’super Big’ and ‘super fat’ and that my dress was so huge. At first I tried to say something back that might trigger some awareness eg when she said my dress was so huge I said ‘you’re wearing a dress too! I really like yours it has a lovely pattern - you look beautiful’ as I thought keeping it about a dress and then giving her a compliment might make her think ‘oh she’s mentioned my dress and made me feel happy as she likes it’ but she kept saying how her dress looked better as she isn’t fat 🤦

Then she told me that my hair looked ‘funny’ and what was wrong with it as it didn’t look nice. Then started on the fat comments again and said I’m very wobbly and fat. I (calmly and in an even tone) said to her ‘I know that I’m bigger than most people you know and I’m actually trying to be healthier. When you keep telling me I’m fat and huge it really hurts my feelings’ to which she said ‘but you ARE fat? You’re VERY fat!’

I explained again ‘I know that you are just saying what you can see and yes, I am big but I would like you to stop saying it as it is really hurting my feelings and isn’t kind at all. While I’m here I want you to just think it if you need to rather than say it to me as it’s not kind to be rude about people and how they look’

Dsis and Db went absolutely crazy and told me that it’s not her fault she is just saying what she sees and she can’t understand that she shouldn’t due to her ASD? Now I’m worried I’ve done the wrong thing ? But they were in the room and didnt step in at any point ? AIBU ? Was I wrong to tell her to be kind ?

OP posts:

Lougle · 16/08/2025 19:49

No, it's important that she understands what is kind and unkind. For many children with ASD it's a taught skill, not instinctive.

Original poster

yesImfat · 16/08/2025 19:51

Lougle · 16/08/2025 19:49

No, it's important that she understands what is kind and unkind. For many children with ASD it's a taught skill, not instinctive.

I just hope I didn’t approach it in the wrong way? I wasnt sure what to say but couldn’t say nothing

OP posts:

CornflowerDusk · 16/08/2025 19:51

I think they're wrong.

I have an ASD child who says what she says. When she used to say things about people being fat, or me being fat, I would say to her in quite a matter of fact way: yes I know I am fat. But, you should not make comments about people being fat or thin or the way they look as it hurts people's feelings.

CornflowerDusk · 16/08/2025 19:58

I think the only thing you possibly did here was suggest she was being nasty when it may well be she doesn't understand that this would be impolite, so I think it's better to explain what we do and don't say and why.

MrsEmmelinePankhurst · 16/08/2025 20:04

I think you should speak to your sister and brother-in-law, once the dust has settled. Explain that you’re not prepared to listen to hurtful comments from your niece if she’s capable of learning not to say them, and ask how they plan to handle this situation in future if she says it to a stranger. Then stop talking and let them answer. They may not have thought about this kind of thing before - if she’s only 9 and already has an ASD diagnosis, I’d assume that they’ve had a pretty rough ride up to this point (I’m autistic and so is my daughter), and may have been dealing with more immediate issues such as school, eating, sleep, anxiety, meltdowns etc. But do it kindly, as I’m sure you will; their lives are probably VERY hard and their defensiveness probably comes from years of fighting to get what their daughter needs rather than cruelty or selfishness (I hope!).

stargirl1701 · 16/08/2025 20:06

I just caught both my children, from infancy, we do not comment on someone looks. Full stop. One autistic and one neurotypical.

Screamingabdabz · 16/08/2025 20:06

I’m uncomfortable with teaching girls about ‘being kind’. Particularly if they can’t discern the intentions of adults. What I would say is that certain things are rude and not acceptable. Making personal comments about people’s appearance is rude. Her parents should be teaching her this and not using her autism as an excuse to not parent. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt op.

Theunamedcat · 16/08/2025 20:09

I think you explained too much but I'm quite blunt with my son i tell him that's unkind that hurts my feelings if he continues i tell him it's spiteful/mean to repeat that knowing that it will hurt me he is 12 now he only needs limited correction in public usually along the lines of we dont do that and I will explain why later if he questions why

He has limited attention span so short and pointed work for him

Octavia64 · 16/08/2025 20:10

It can be very very hard to get children with ASD to stop saying things.

they do not understand “be kind” (to be fair, neither do a lot of NT nine year olds).

about the only way that works in my experience is to tell them they are not allowed to make remarks about other people’s appearance unless it is to say that they are beautiful.

my DD has a long history of making offensive remarks that she genuinely did not intend to be offensive.

your dn was upsetting you. Your comments to her about liking her dress might have worked on an adult but not on a child with ASD.

i’m sorry you were upset.

if it’s and consolation SIL and bil are probably apologising for her a lot.

soupyspoon · 16/08/2025 20:12

Screamingabdabz · 16/08/2025 20:06

You're uncomfortable with teaching girls about being kind? And boys?

What nonsense, this is why we live in a shitty rude, inconsiderate world now

Yes OP you were completely right. This child will get lamped in the face at school unless she learns how to manage herself in social situations.

WelcomeToMonkeyTown · 16/08/2025 20:14

Lougle · 16/08/2025 19:49

No, it's important that she understands what is kind and unkind. For many children with ASD it's a taught skill, not instinctive.

First post nails it.

I came to this thread wondering if you were my SIL as my autistic 9yo DD can be very brutally “honest”.

But we tell her, every time, when she has been rude and she genuinely is surprised. But she says sorry and we move on. She has to learn and we are constantly teaching her.

Blueuggboots · 16/08/2025 20:15

They are utterly wrong!!

people with ASD need to learn to be socially acceptable and understand about hurting people’s feelings! Just because it doesn’t come naturally doesn’t mean they can’t learn!!
my ASD 14 year old knows about head thoughts and vocalising thoughts, what he can say to me and what he can say to others…..

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2025 20:17

It’s easier to understand with a concrete rule. The one that really resonated with me is never comment on someone’s appearance good or bad if it isn’t something that could be changed in 2 minutes or less.

spinach in their teeth. Tell them.
great hair today. Tell them.
love your dress. Tell them.

hate your dress. Only tell them if they are next to their closet.
you are fat. Nope.
you are skinny. Nope.
you Are tall. Nope.
you have beautiful brown eyes. Nope

will someone be upset at being told they have beautiful eyes, no, but it’s easier to have a simple rule to start. With time, we can learn nuance.

LimbOnTheBranchBranchOnTheTreeTheTreeInTheBog · 16/08/2025 20:19

I think I would have ignored and discussed a strategy with her parents later.

It's a really difficult situation, but I've had to teach my dds very carefully and I really wouldn't have welcomed your response while I was teaching them.

Adults telling kids with ASD to keep their thoughts and feelings to themselves so they don't hurt others feelings and to be kind could potentially lead to abusers getting away with abuse (personal experience).

Have a discussion with her parents about how they handle these things, and how you should handle it in future so you're all on the same page, not giving mixed messages.

soupyspoon · 16/08/2025 20:23

Ponderingwindow · 16/08/2025 20:17

will someone be upset at being told they have beautiful eyes, no, but it’s easier to have a simple rule to start. With time, we can learn nuance.

Thats very difficult for someone with ND (more often than not) to understand. Theres a lot of if, buts and maybes in that.

Ralphschocolate · 16/08/2025 20:26

My ASD 16 year old has learnt that she only gives her opinion on appearance, clothes, etc if she is asked for it.

Cracklingsilverwear · 16/08/2025 20:29

ASD is the REASON that she is doing this.

But non intervention and not teaching her to do this makes her ASD an EXCUSE.

We are a multiple ASD household and this behaviour would happen often when they were little - but I would have immediately addressed it and also then worked on it as a social skill.

Mine learnt that you do not have to say everything you think…They were corrected when they made these social faux pas - kindly and gently - but it is essential that they do not carry on doing this as they grow up.

yes they have ASD and they do not have the filter that neurotypicals have - but to not teach them how to navigate the complexities of social norms and rules is doing them a great disservice if they are to live and function in society .

as a child people may just about be tolerant with the parents saying ‘they have autism’ but no one is going to care when they are a grown adult who comes across as rude.

ASD is a REASON but not an EXCUSE - yes it does take time and a lot of repetition and practice and over learning - but it is so worth doing and far better for the child in the long run to learn these skills.

chatgptsbestmate · 16/08/2025 20:32

She can be taught NEVER to say ANYTHING about anyone's appearance ever.

Surely that won't be too difficult?

She may have been saying what she saw but it's simply unkind. Whether she meant to be unkind or not.

BruFord · 16/08/2025 20:33

This child will get lamped in the face at school unless she learns how to manage herself in social situations.

I was thinking the same thing @soupyspoon. She’s going to have a miserable time if she’s not taught this skill now, she’ll find it so hard to make and keep friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/08/2025 20:33

Are her parents always so passive? If she’s allowed to carry on insulting visitors in their home they’ll find no one wants to come over.

indoorplantqueen · 16/08/2025 20:36

You did the right thing. Regardless of additional needs, it’s ok to say ‘that’s not a kind thing to say to someone. It has hurt my feelings’.
her parents are doing her a disservice by not teaching her about this. She will need high levels of repetition and social stories to support her understanding.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 16/08/2025 20:39

Her parents really need to start parenting - there is no reason that ASD children cant be taught what is polite or not. They are doing her a massive disservice by not helping her with this.

ohbee · 16/08/2025 20:41

One of my DC can be absolutely brutal sometimes. I have never managed to teach ‘be kind’ because he hasn’t got the ability to understand what that and ‘it hurts peoples feelings’ mean. He does however have the ability to understand that we do not talk about how people look. Sometimes it’s much easier for them to learn if we try to understand things from their POV rather than our own hurt feelings.

iirbRosb · 16/08/2025 20:42

My DD has ASD and I’m teaching her about this as she will say things without realising they’re hurtful or rude. I don’t want her to lose friends or offend people by not being taught this. It’s worked as well as she will sometimes ask me if something is rude and we’ve had a talk about it and I also remind her that she can think something but if it’s not kind then is it needed to be said. I don’t think her mum and dad are helping her tbh

Theunamedcat · 16/08/2025 20:43

They are doing their child a great disservice not teaching them how to behave appropriately in public and private ive seen ASD children get hurt because they have reacted "wrongly" my own older DS fell out with his friends because a teacher asked him a question and he answered truthfully you might think that's not a problem but when the teacher is asking who is chewing gum/using a phone and you name names its social suicide

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