To hate being a single parent?

[SlushMountain]

Does anyone else really hate being a single parent? Will probably be told I’m being UR as it’s not acceptable to say it out loud but I just really hate it. I know lots of single mums say they love it but even the reasons why they love it are reasons I hate it. Does anyone else hate it?

I love my set up (EOWish), but I'm not sure what that's classed as and may not be what you mean. (Lone parents tell me it's co-parenting, 50/50 parents tell me he's not doing enough to say he co-parents. But whatever it is, I wouldn't change it.)
But, a lot of that is because of who I'm doing it with. With zero support and an arsehole ex, I'd feel differently! But YANBU, we all have different needs and different set ups that may or may not meet them.

Are your DC young? I became a single parent when DC was 4 and it was very hard going but got much easier (in some ways!) as she got older.

Yep! Been one for 10 years with no father in the picture at all so I think that makes me a Lone Parent (as well as being actually single - yep, not done ‘it’ for 10 years, you read that right) and whilst there are a couple of minor upsides, generally I hate it. It’s not the physicality of doing everything kid-wise it’s the mental & emotional effects of being alone and tied to your duties with no partner to talk to and share decisions with. Ask advice from etc.
I also find myself, even still happens now, feeling like a pseudo-family or like a fraud when I see ‘proper’ families. Awful.

There’s also lots of little issues that non-single parents don’t see, like you’re in a busy restaurant or cafè and your small child needs the toilet whilst you’re halfway through your cupcakes. Even though you’ve left your coats etc, the wait staff clear away your remaining cakes whilst you’re in the toilet because they think you’ve gone. Or you’re in soft play and your child is too small to play in the playframe unsupervised but they have a rule where you lose your table if it’s left with your stuff on it with nobody sat there but you can’t take your coats & bag into the playframe or wear shoes in it... The best one, was the Christmas experience at the local children’s attraction to see Santa whereby each child HAD to have two adults accompanying them; not just two tickets had to be paid for, no no, two adults had to be present….! ‘No exceptions’

YANBU. I hated it. Absolutely hated it.

It fucking sucked. There is freedom being dangled like a carrot to the nose, but one still has to contend with deadbeat dad. Humph. Me no gusto.

I hated it. My two are 15 &16, only 8 months between them (second born conceived very quickly after birth and 10 weeks premature) now so I'm on the last leg but my god life was utterly shite for me for over a decade.
My two have always been very demanding and I reached burnout about 10 years ago. Every day just muddling through. Breakfast and after schol clubs were a godsend and kept me semi-sane when they were in primary school. The only good thing about single parenting is being able to get rid of the kids at weekends. I lived for the school holidays where I could have a whole week of just me, peace calm and quiet. Of course this only works if Daddy is still on the scene, which i understand isn't always the case.

Currently single parent , 1pre-teen , very content. Co/parent 50/50, feel like I have a nice balance

I’m so glad it isn’t just me, everywhere I look people are saying how great and wonderful it is doing it alone. I just can’t relate to it at all. Even the positives people just aren’t relatable “getting to make all the decisions” erm I would LOVE someone to help me make decisions so I know I’m doing the right thing, I hate all the pressure being on me, I would love someone to discuss it with!

My children aren’t young, if anything I preferred it when they were.

yes it sucks especially when father isn't involved. its very hard when you see friends in relationships being able to split time with all children or just a break to do the housework. even trying to book a smear test when they are not quite school age, always a fun one. I think it gets slightly easier when older but mainly just trying to arrange dates without a babysitter is always difficult

I don’t hate being a single parent, but equally I don’t love it. Ex does a lot of looking after our DC EOW, 1 night during the week dinner and half the holidays, but it’s me who does absolutely all the thinking. He also pays CMS.

i wouldn’t call it wifework exactly, as I only think about things for the children regardless of who they are staying with at the time, but I do no thinking for him needs anymore. E.g. I book and pay for all DC extra-curricular activities, sort all school
uniform and kits, book appointments etc though he will take them anywhere I tell him they have activities or appointments when they are staying with him.

It’s that feeling of never being off that I dislike, whereas Ex can go days without even thinking about our DC as I always have to have them covered. That’s the bit I find exhausting.

I also miss having a partner, and also someone who thinks about me alone. Not that Ex did much of that, but I have had relationships in the past where my partner showed me lots of love, care, intimacy, attention and affection when it was good, and I really miss that.

No, I quite like it. The times I find it hard are holidays (have to find friends to holiday with) and when my child is away with her dad. Apart from that life is peachy

edit to clarify, I am a co-parent with a very active and supportive dad so that will make a difference

edit to clarify - I mean my child’s dad, not my own!!

I’m sorry you’re struggling OP, and for what its worth I think a lot of single parents feel the same. I have friends who are single parents and although they all say it is easier than doing it with an arsehole partner who contributes nothing and adds more work, they also say it’s inevitably harder than doing it with a good supportive partner and parent by their side.

I have days where everything feels quite tricky but then I remember how gruelling it was when I was with DCs dad; the constant let-downs and being the only one who prioritised anything to do with our child was exhausting. At least now that it’s just me, I don’t have to continually feel utter contempt and disappointment at how shit a father he is, and can confine it to the very limited times they’re actually in his presence (less than twice a month).

And whilst it is all on me, I also get the tiny joys of watching my kid growing up into a wonderful, kind, spirited human being and know it’s mostly down to my hard work as their mum.

The solo parenting bit I like. But I hate that my ex is so difficult, and that I’m tied to him for life (or a lot of it). I have genuinely not brought any of the grief into our separated lives yet he resents me unbearably. He pays no child support and everything is a battle in court, etc.

that can at times draw my mood down deeply. But the parenting bit, I find at this stage I take it in my stride and I enjoy their company. DCs are 10 and 11.

I could’ve written this, you have my sympathy. It’s really bloody awful isn’t it.

The mental load/decision making side of things - you only have to read the relationship boards to know that it's not only single mothers dealing with all of that!
So while I can say it can be tough, I genuinely only know 2 couples that I'd actually call partners in every sense anyway. So maybe it's just parenting that's hard.

Well parenting alone for me is physically harder considering I do absolutely everything alone

I am a completely lone parent - never had anytime off - never got any money - and I think it’s very very hard, exhausting and I miss an adult relationship.
Im really hoping that will come at some point.
I think it’s better than being in an abusive relationship - but it’s not an easy option.
sending love and strength to you and I have found my single mum friends immense support over the years xx

Also I hate how lonely it is and having no one to share things with including special times or milestones so no it isn’t just parenting for me anyway

I think the single most important decision we’ll ever make is choosing the right father for our children. I wish this had been spelled out to me when I was young, I made a massive mistake first time. I wish I hadn’t listened to people telling me that single motherhood was actually easier than being a co-parent, as I’d only have myself and the baby to consider, could do everything my way… I don’t know why I believed them. Probably because I was very young and had no clue what raising a child involved. I’d have given anything to have had even a half-decent man in the trenches there with me.

Thank you I agree

Thank you, the same for me I’ve been single for 10 years partly through choice but I do miss having someone that cares about me, someone to talk to and support me. I miss adult conversations in the evenings can be very lonely.

Some of these replies make me feel so sad that so many people feel like they are on a hamster wheel, waiting for their children to grow up and leave home!

I have solo parented since my daughter was 2, completely alone (so 10 years now). Yes I would like some free time to myself sometimes, but I still do so many things I enjoy but with her. We have had great holidays, love concerts, the theatre, all sorts.

The mental load can be very heavy sometimes, but life is honestly what you make of it.

I love my kids I said I hate being a single parent. Big difference.