To hate being a single parent?

[SlushMountain]

Does anyone else really hate being a single parent? Will probably be told I’m being UR as it’s not acceptable to say it out loud but I just really hate it. I know lots of single mums say they love it but even the reasons why they love it are reasons I hate it. Does anyone else hate it?

My post was in response to OP carrying the load, not having someone to share it with.
OP also said the DC know she is unhappy being a single parent. I'm sure that doesn't make them feel happy.

OP, you're nearly free, join some clubs, go on dates, join a local club, book club, walking, running, there is 1000s of people in your situation, loneliness is an epidemic but there is options.

The father is a lowlife, who doesn't deserve the children he has, I hope he lives a miserable life full of regret of never has the privilege of making it up to them.

They know I find parenting stressful not particularly single parenting but that is the reason. I am not “nearly free” my youngest is 8 not 11 have been split since pregnancy. I can’t do any of the things suggested due to lack of childcare.

For us it’s been the best thing. I am far happier being a lone parent than having to deal with a manipulative abusive prick and his malicious sidekick (OW) and my son has benefited hugely. However, I only have one child, my eldest has left
home and I am single by choice. I was also
an older parent when he was born. I think if you’re younger, juggling childcare, wanting a social life (quite right too!) and trying to do everything, it must be extremely difficult. I found it harder when my son was younger but now he’s 14 things are a lot easier.

I really hate it. I have been a single parent for ten years with an exh who is very awkward, pays £7pw from his benefits and sees the dc for two hours a week (didn’t see them at all for several years.)

I have also found it harder as they have got older. In their younger days, I could get childcare or a babysitter for a night out. When they reached their teens there was no childcare but my dc were very needy with challenging behaviour and they could not be left. I did meet a couple of guys online dating but couldn’t make it work around my children.

I have a friend who had children via a donor so opted to be a single parent. I would never have done that. I also have plenty of friends who don’t have children for various reasons and they are all happy. They are all married though so no one in my position at all.

I get you op!

Mind you I don’t know anyone who goes around saying how easy it is!

Thank you exactly! I would never in a million years have used a donor as I wouldn’t have wanted to be a lone parent, I wouldn’t have had kids if that was the option raising them alone.

I wonder sometimes how many of the posters here who encourage women to use donor sperm and go it alone have actually been/are currently single parents. I think most of them must be married of partnered up and have no real idea of the difficulties. Or they think love makes up for them, which isn’t true in the real world.

Two things can be true at the same time… that children are wonderful, but life’s a hell of a lot easier when you have a partner, a helper, an extra wage coming in, another set of relatives to potentially help out, etc. I wouldn’t encourage anyone to go that route, being at a disadvantage from the very beginning.

I hate it.
Not because I want exP back, I am loving that bit. But he sees the kids 3.5hrs a week and pays £398 CMA despite having income of nearly £4K a month. I hate the injustice. I hate the public feckless single mother narrative while many are doing most if not all of the heavy lifting of parenting.
I am exhausted.

I have recently left a DA marriage with 2 young children. I feel so much lighter and ‘freer’ knowing that i’m no longer living with him and going through what we were. However he is causing endless problems with contact/children arrangements/selling the house etc so I’m only just at the very start of this journey

Is that through CMS?

No maintenance, he has managed to get away with that entirely, that bugs me a lot as well as it's like he's just been able to wash his hands completely of them and I can't even hold him financially responsible.

Yes. Long story but some of his pension is tax free

I don’t hate it- there’s some good points like freedom of choice whether it’s late night TV or where to go on a day out however….
I’d love the financial freedom that some of my married friends have. I’m in a much better position then some and I’ve made lots of sacrifices to stay in jobs where I have flexibility- I literally had to leave a job paying £11k more then my current job as I need the flexibility over the money.
i have no real village- I’m in constant planning mode - whether it’s uniform, school trips, supporting home work etc.
although the kids see their dad he doesn’t do much with them so I feel I have to fill that gap.
this is turning into a ramble and a rant now so guess what I’m saying it that it looks different for us all and solidarity regardless of your circumstances.

Who on earth is loving it? It’s totally shit!
obviously, it’s preferential to being with an abusive partner bit I don’t know anyone who is happy with the situation and wouldn’t want to be in a loving and stable relationship.

I have been a single parent for nearly 3 years now and I’ve felt like I have been on my knees for most of that time. I’ve found it very lonely, very stressful, logistically very difficult taking two children out on my own.
I love my children to bits but my god it has been a slog.
Something a previous poster said about how difficult it can be if you’re out and one of the children needs the toilet - yes! I have also had it where I’ve had to leave the table mid way through a meal and rush to the toilet (while telling a waitress) and still come back to the food being cleared because they assumed we had left. It’s these little things that I would never thought of before.

Loads of people I speak to say being a single mum is better and more easier

I think it has pros and cons, I personally find it easier and stabler in some ways. But it is also tiring being the only one to manage working, parenting and housework.

i generally find it more peaceful doing it alone.

I don’t really get to relax or watch tv though so it can feel relentless and when it’s been a bad day there isn’t anyone to just say “it’s ok”, take the burden and have a cuddle with.

So I understand what you are saying.

I was a single parent, dad rarely around. No maintenance payments ( he left his job, so I couldn't get any money. Judge awarded me 5p a year )
I worked full time to pay the mortgage, with no family support whatsoever.
It was awful.

I think this sums it up for me.

ETA
This was in the 80s and 90s.
The mortgage rate went up to 15.9%.
We were really poor, no holidays, no social life, I'd moved away from friends and found it hard to make new ones ( I was young and my young colleagues were all single)
It was an utterly relentless grind. My son suffered due to my depression.

We worked opposite shifts so there was a parent always available for childcare,we still do that and coparent. So I still did a fair share of single parenting on my days off. People assumed I was single then . Now it's still the same just in 2 different houses with peace of mind. PP has mentioned that the best thing I could have done was choosing a better father for my kids I totally agree with that . I ignored the red flags back then too naive thinking that he's going to change got to the point where I hated his company worked extra shifts on my days off so that am not at home with him. Am so much happier on my own and honestly I don't wish to be in a relationship.

I know a few a we all feel the same way - we hate it. I’ve never met a single parent who says it’s better and easier!

I totally understand that, but you can't change other people's behaviour. I don't want to waste my energy being angry at someone who hasn't stepped up and is missing out on all of his daughters life. That is on him.

Ideally we would all want two parent families, but that isnt how life has turned out, so you just make the best of what you have and accept it.

What use would telling myself I'm a failure for what I provide do? Or for how I have picked the wrong partner? All I can do is look forward and enjoy the life i have made/am making.

For each individual, life is very different. At the end of the day, we are all trying our best. Im not trying to pull anyone down, so apologise if anyone has taken my comments like that, it is mearly my own opinion.

Of course I accepted it, I had no choice. I was just trying to explain why it was a bitter pill to swallow for me. I was trying to respond to your comment about the getting off the hamster wheel by saying I didn’t want to get off it, I wanted someone on there with me.

What use does telling myself I’m a failure do, or how I picked the wrong partner? Well in my case I was just being honest with myself. I fucked up, so wanted to learn from my mistake, I guess. Doesn’t mean I have to beat myself up about it, or that I think anyone else should! But I do have to acknowledge where I went wrong. That’s all that was. Can only speak for myself, everyone’s situation is different.

Yes I hate it. I tell myself I offloaded my most problematic child in getting divorced from their dad but the reality is he hasn’t seen them in 6 months (nor paid a bean in CMS) I’m raising pre school twins and a sibling not much older and I’m tired so fucking tired. I’m not the parent I used to be when I was married. And I don’t think I ever will be. I tell myself after a shit day tomorrow can only be better except it’s worse. I fake it to others that I’m a strong independent woman doing it all alone and happy when the reality is I go to bed crying every night

A few people on here have said it's easier, I've also heard "one less child to look after" etc I guess it's easier than an abusive relationship but that wasn't my situation so not comparable for me.