To hate being a single parent?

[SlushMountain]

Does anyone else really hate being a single parent? Will probably be told I’m being UR as it’s not acceptable to say it out loud but I just really hate it. I know lots of single mums say they love it but even the reasons why they love it are reasons I hate it. Does anyone else hate it?

That's how I feel, I'm definitely not the parent I wanted to be. I am too exhausted and stressed and find it too hard to spread myself between the children when everything is down to me.

Daughter an adult now but raising her as a single parent, for me it was having to make every decision, big or small myself, just relentless responsibility with no relief, could never switch off mentally or physically, useless absent father and everything fell on me, it’s brutal

I find time goes faster now I'm a single parent or is that just me. 3 months can pass by in a heartbeat. When I had a partner, time seemed to go slower

But yes, I don't blame you for not liking it. Ive hardly looked up from work of some kind for years

It is? In some ways. But obviously isn't in others.
I wouldn't have had kids to become a single parent

In fact when i got pregnant with the 3rd( different dad and we didn't live together) the only way I was going to continue with the pregnancy would be if he would be the one looking,ing after the child full time if we ever split. I'd already done that for the previous however many years with ,y eldest 2

Lone parent for 16 years here. Early years were a bit lonely. Occasionally I would feel some rage about the ex doing absolutely fuck all and swanning off to Singapore and had literally nothing off him for 15 years.

However I am extremely proud of everything I’ve done. I learnt not to sweat the small stuff. The pressure is always on to earn money etc of course.

OP you say you are stressed and exhausted. What do you think needs to change to make that better?

Difficult one for me. I left an abusive relationship (common I know) and being a single parent is definitely better than staying in that relationship. But yes its such hard work, my married/LTR friends have had some much freedom and have very different lifestyles. I have made the best of it, I taught my daughter to drive and we have always had holidays etc.....but I wouldn't of chosen this and would rather be in a happy relationship.

I agree, but honestly, I used to when the were younger, and still do occasionally, post on Facebook and get a lot of validation and lovely comments from friends and family when we'd had a nice day out or holiday or whatever. Nothing about their problems and serious issues though. That's hard. Navigating EBSA, ASD diagnoses, etc with an ex carping and criticising every choice I made but not actually helping. Well meaning grandparents saying "you'll know what yo do for the best" ...no, I bloody don't and don't want it all on me.
The physical stuff like cafe tables I got good at casting an eye and asking a random stranger to keep an eye out and mine did things alone like sitting at the table while I got the food at a younger age than some might do. That was the easier part. There are upsides. They do go their dad's in the holidays but I think it's massively dependent on how much and what kind of NRP support you have as to how this plays out. A pp mentioned 50/50 with one kid ...that's idyllic!

I‘m a solo mum which means I used a sperm donor and chose to become a lone parent. It’s really hard work as others have said, and also lonely with no time apart from my son. However I think the intention behind it makes it easier because I’m not grieving the loss of a traditional family unit or missing a partner I expected to be there. I love our little family unit and although I’m exhausted, I’m deeply content.

Honestly regular support with them but that isn’t going to happen.

I'm newly widowed with young adult DC, and I'm finding it tough, the thought that I'm the only one they've got and it all falls to me. When they were young my DH was away for weeks at a time, I felt similar.
i take my hats off to you all. Whether through circumstances or choice it's relentless even when it's going quite smoothly, let alone when problems arise.

It's so hard. Being a single parent to 3 under 4. Getting the "you've got your hands full" comment allll the time. Drives me mad x

I posted earlier how I’m ok with being a single mum. But your post and a few others sort of popped my memories and I remember very similar times, I think I was depressed for the early years. I banned trips to cities or holidays overseas as it was so stressful with two toddlers. My son used to slip off his chair in restaurants and just run! I would have to order the other child not to budge and run out after him. It was a nightmare in shopping centres. The endless bickering between them. The never wanting to go to bed. At some point every day it broke me. I would go to bed upset at what a shit mum I was… I was faking it…

but at some point around them getting to age five, i can’t quite remember but once they were more able to speak and be reasoned with, it started to change and it’s been better and better since. They are 10&11 now. I can think more freely about what they need. I’m happier. I’m not depressed. Not sure I was clinically depressed before but I was certainly joyless. I was flatlining.

it is so hard in the early years. I say this genuinely, not just to throw a lifeline, but I do like my life now. And I like my kids company and I enjoy it all. It absolutely is not easy xxx

It is so bloody tiring, especially if you have the children ALL the time. And it would be so nice to have another adult to discuss things with, have back up and affirmation, and take turns with the grotty jobs.

Of course the parent:child ratio is also important here. If I'd just had my firstborn, life would be much easier. I only have two, but the second has significant needs and requires high intensity parenting. It has been very hard to give both children the attention they need, while working FT so as to feed them.

I had this discussion recently with a married friend who also has dc, a wealthy husband and a PT job. We were talking about structural inequalities in getting to university and I said, "Of course the biggest privilege a child can have is two parents in a functioning partnership". She asked incredulously if I really thought that made a difference.

I had to spell out for her that lone parenting usually means less time and less money; it means not helping your child with their homework because you're scrabbling around cooking dinner, running baths, sorting out clean uniform for the next day; it means not taking your child for educational trips at the weekend because you're doing all the bloody housework and life admin.

And yes, I know that there are many married women who have it just as hard because their dp is an absolute plonker, but those mothers who get some respite probably struggle to understand what it is like to truly do 24/7. I'm 20 years in, and firstborn has gone to uni, so life is definitely easing for me. But the last two decades has taken a huge toll on me, physically and mentally.

Yes I agree, perhaps if I only had one I wouldn’t find it so difficult being on my own, if I had my time again and knew I was going to be a single parent I definitely would have stuck with one (but probably wouldn’t have had any)

@SlushMountainyou answered my question about what would make it easier and you said regular support. Do you mean respite? Time for yourself? How old are they and do you have a decent income?

I hated it too op.

Mine are 17, 18 and 19 now and my God they are great kids.

No I mean support from the other parent or family support which isn’t going to happen

@SlushMountain yes that part is frustrating. I got no support even though her aunt on her dads side at least sees her once a year and gives her birthday/christmas presents (vouchers) How old are your DC? I’m asking as I had to build in my own support (more of a put your own oxygen mask on first situation) which at least gave me breathing space

Yeah a lot of the time it feels overwhelming, relentless and lonely.

I can relate to this! Ive been broken up with childrens dad since May this year so fairly new to all of this. My kids are 12&14. He has the kids 2 nights a week for tea and 1 night on a weekend for a sleep over. It really grates on me that everything is on me. Always. I dont think we are coparents. Its more like a 70/30. He has 1 pair of pjs at his house for them and refuses to buy anything further as in his words “they have all that at yours just tell them to pack a bag!” So thats where im at currently lol he does pay 200 per month 😵‍💫 but yeah even on those 1 night a week they slee out i enjoy being with friends but before hand ive had to make sure they have everything packed etc. or if he suddenly decides “he has plans” 2 hours before hes due to pick them up, then its on me to cancel my plans and wipe their tears etc. i miss in a sense having someone to love. But then again my ExP didnt love me he cheated on me repeatedly throughout the whole 17 year relationship. It just feels lonely sometimes. But even saying all that i can honestly say i do love being single. No humiliation, manipulation, gasighting, stinking out my bathroom while he goes off for 30 minutes thinking its some kind of fecking wifi lounge, no smelly pillows or bed sheets.

I love my dc but by god is it hard (4 and 1, eldest goes to his dads every weekend but youngest dad disappeared when he was a few months old).

Of course there is ups but I don’t enjoy the slog of it. Every evening is spent tidying up after them and the 1 year old is an awful sleeper so I have to go to bed early.

I sleep in a single bed in the box room and wonder how the hell did my life end up like this. Dating is impossible as youngest will scream if out of my sight so family cant babysit him. Not that I have any money to date anyways.

I haven't had an unbroken nights sleep in the last 18 months. The worst part is when you’re ill. Currently have a sinus infection from hell and had a cry when I finally got them to bed. Potentially needing an operation soon and already wondering what the fuck I will do for childcare. It really is shit at times even if I do love my dc dearly.

I'm used to managing everything alone and my child is a delight but I do feel lonely and a bit sad when I think about the family life I thought my child and I would have.

I get very fed up with endless juggling and have no help from my ex who disappeared 7 years ago. I have a good circle of mum friends but it definitely isn't the same as having a partner at home.

I'm currently being investigated for some potentially horrible medical issue and may require major surgery. I worry terribly about how I will manage and recover.

Yes I agree. It's the complete financial and emotional responsibility as a loan parent I found difficult. Physically in the early years and emotionally in the teen years when DC were up and down and I think missing an absent father.

it's very tough but I think better than being in an unhappy relationship. X