To hate being a single parent?

[SlushMountain]

Does anyone else really hate being a single parent? Will probably be told I’m being UR as it’s not acceptable to say it out loud but I just really hate it. I know lots of single mums say they love it but even the reasons why they love it are reasons I hate it. Does anyone else hate it?

It's okay. I think it would probably be fine if your co-parent was a real parent but mine is not. So I'm the one stuck paying for everything and doing all of the doctor's visits and dentist visits and making all of that work around my work schedule. He sees her but that's about it. Sometimes I get irrationally angry because this is not what I signed up for when I chose to marry him and have children. I signed up for him to be a participant in that.

Yes @SlushMountain I agree too. Different kind of tired and if they have problems and get low that can be such a worry. - I was always doing the collecting from parties too often late at night.

I adore my daughter and enjoyed all the things you describe, of course - but it was still hellishly lonely, doing it on my own. I didn’t want time off, or to get off the hamster wheel as you describe it. I wanted someone there on it with me! I wanted someone to be there to witness these things, to enjoy them with me, to have the same shared pleasure in her - it upset me so deeply that I didn’t have that other parent there to appreciate this lovely little person. She was so sweet, so precious - how could he not want to be there to see this, to see her growing and learning and experiencing things for the first time? It’d make me so angry. That he didn’t think she was worth it. How could he not be interested at all? And she deserved that - her other parent to be present, to be loving and involved and excited to see her growing and helping her along. I failed her in that - I chose the wrong person. And thought I could be sufficient. But she deserved better than that.

So it was a bit deeper than what you’re describing.

Yep, lone parent to one 12 year old DD.

Sometimes I feel sad but then I remember how horrible my ex was and I remember I don’t want a relationship ever again.

I think that also depends on finances. If you don't have money for holidays , concerts or babysitters then you are basically working or stuck in with kids

Yes. And often being invited for “tea” with the kids or when a husband is away but not for grown up dinners where there are men/ couples!

Most of the time I appreciate the benefiits, but sometimes it wears me down that there's just never a break, making every single decision from the minor to major all the housework, diy and pick ups and drop offs. It can be hard going

I don’t get invited anywhere but I did have a friend who use to invite me over / out for dinner as she wanted to ask me to babysit her kids as “you’re stuck in anyway so one more won’t hurt” did it a few times but the favour was never returned, she didn’t want to know when I stopped babysitting her child.

TW: domestic violence and child abuse

I mostly enjoy it because we escaped severe domestic violence and our perpetrator is in prison for what he did to both of us. The contrast between being imprisoned in a room and someone physically hurting you daily versus being autonomous is amazing, if overwhelming.

I find it difficult because I am in charge of my child's recovery. There is no long-term provision for helping a young child to overcome developmental trauma. So, I have to find the therapies, the money to pay for it and physically facilitate it, while receiving no help myself. I am also disabled, so that adds another level of challenge. It feels a completely overwhelming pressure.

The good part is: going through such challenges makes you grateful for the simple things. Every day I wake up and marvel at us both being alive; being able to choose when we get up and when and what we eat; not panicking if we make a noise; being able to have a wash when I would like and in the way I want to; not having to be covered in clothes head to toe in case someone saw the injuries I was permanently expected to cover-up and so on.

I think being a lone/solo parent is extremely hard. The buck stops at us. There is no safety net of another parent who can take your child/ren if you are ill or have an emergency. There are no days or nights off. It's just 24/7. Yet, I think this does build an incredible bond with your child/ren. They see us, the hear us, the know the sacrifices we make and as they grow up, the appreciate having that permanent, stable caregiver.

So, just like many things in life, it is about balance. Life gives with one hand and takes with another. I am grateful for being a solo parent who is able to be autonomous and make the right decisions for my child, even if it is a hard road to tread.

I’ve been a single parent since my youngest was two (she’s 16 now). He helped for a bit but has moved away and been rarely in their lives for about 6 years now. I’ve never had reliable financial support.

The hardest bit has been knowing my older two children had a different early and primary school experience with two parents available to them all the time (worked opposite shifts at the time) while my younger ones have had neither of us in a way, as I’ve been at work during school holidays and sometimes til 6/7pm. I’ve hated that feeling of not being able to progress in a career and yet not being as available to them as I wanted. I hate that they compare their life against friends with two parents who therefore have the income to give them better homes and experiences than I can on one.

Ive actually found it harder as they’ve got older as now they need lifts to jobs, for example, if they can’t drive yet or need money for things I struggle to help them with. The last six years have been hard as I’ve seen them upset with their dad moving and being less interested in them.

I have been a single parent for over a decade. People seem to be more hung up on labels so for clarity..DS sees his father eow. I would not ever describe it as co-parenting though. He was abusive to me and is still very difficult and a lazy parent.

I make all decisions and do all care. I do vast majority of his meals and buy all his uniform and deal with everything with school and drive him to see friends and just everything that comes with being a parent. Exh sees him and takes him out for some exercise or else has a nap while ds is on the PlayStation. Exh's parenting usually involves him critiquing me or giving me orders/causing me stress.

DS is a young teen. I have also found it harder as he gets older. I'm menopausal and tired. I just feel like I've had enough. He's a great kid but watching exh swan about without a care in the world when he's paid minimal amount and left me to shoulder all the responsibility feels woefully unfair.

I had initial euphoria of getting rid of my abuser and getting back on my feet and the joy of being just me and ds for quite some years when he was young. It was hard though and I had considerable stress with ex and court for various reasons (due to ex behaviour).

The shift as ds is older is that he needs more emotional support as he is adolescent and autistic, and I'm menopausal and just fed up with living my life for someone else. I love my ds beyond words but the unfairness of my life v exes life is really getting to me.

I'm exhausted. Ds doesn't go as much to exh now either because he doesn't like being there long. I get no break. He's barely seen him over the holiday.

I would have loved to have a partner who actually shared the mental load and cared for me. It is hard being alone and not having that care. I have good friends who check in but no practical support.

@SlushMountain I hear you. Don't have answers, but I hear you.

My ex hasn’t seen them in 2 years, we split 9 years ago but he has never once had them overnight in 9 years as he didn’t want to, people tell me I’m lucky as I don’t have to “share them” but this isn’t a life I would have chosen. I didn’t have kids to raise them alone if I wanted to do that I would have used a donor. I get no maintenance as he doesn’t work. I definitely find it harder as they’ve got older.

It is tough OP. But DC is 16 now and it goes so fast. We are very close. There were many magical moments bringing him up. A huge amount of slog. A lot of married people with kids are very fed up with their DP. Try to hold on to every enjoyable moment there is.

Yeah that's really exhausting and tough especially if you don't have grandparents or anyone helping. I don't have a village so it's only exh but granted I get a little time to myself though often in the holidays it's when I'm working so not exactly a break.

It isn't lucky. I think people try and put positive spins on things with platitudes but that's not what I'd have chosen either @SlushMountain .

I think I am feeling resentful at the moment and need to get past it. It doesn't help. But when we're burnt out, it's hard to be mentally strong enough to reframe things.

No, no family that would help. I don’t feel close to my children as awful as that sounds I’m always stressed and exhausted and find it has had a negative affect on our relationship. I feel I would be a better parent if i wasn’t a single parent. My children will probably look back on their childhood and just remember me as always being exhausted and stressed.

I.was a.single mum for 6 months then i .meet my partner now husband oldest is 19 now he bought her up from 6 months

It really depends on the help you receive from the other parent.
I have no doubt that it is very restrictive and repetitive.
All you can do, is make the best if your situation, sadly mopping won't change it, I'd rather be a single parent everyday than be in a bad relationship.
It will get easier.
Children that feel like a burden suffer greatly as adults, try hide your stress, this is not their fault or burden to carry.

I think it must be really hard especially for women. Single dads always seem to have people jumping to help. I am guessing it will get easier as they get older. It must also be terrible for women being abused by the ‘co-parent’ through courts to make life even harder for them. I am sure your children will look back and remember how hard you worked for them. There really should be some support networks for single mums.

Then you are lucky in terms of income.
I know my eldest GC (nearly 11) is starting to realise the difference in her two parent friend's houses and my DD's two-up-two-down. While they do have fantastic holidays, there's differences in housing, car ownership, ongoing hobbies etc. I totally agree with what @VaseofViolets said. We should be shaming men who don't step up, more.

Be careful that you don't end up in a nasty relationship out of loneliness.

Your DC are over 11 years old, teach them to be more independent, they don't need a new man to become their parent, .making decisions on their part, you're nearly there.

If you want to have someone, treat them as a boyfriend, not a stepfather, in 5 years they'll be fully independent.

For now fake it until you make it, your DC have been abandoned by their father and the mother who can't wait to settle the job.

I feel sorry for children in this situation. 😢

That’s a really nasty thing to say. OP said she loves her children, she’s just finding it hard. Like lots of people do. It is hard. Have some empathy rather than judging.

Well don’t. They are fine. I haven’t had sex in 9 years never mind a relationship so don’t worry about me ending up in a relationship out of “desperation” as that won’t be happening, I would still be a single parent as I’m not looking for a step dad if I was I would have done that years ago.

Thank you, always the mother that gets the judgement.

I've always been one and the few times I've dated it has been really hard to adapt to - guys who don't have kids want to be front and centre a lot of the time and trying to explain to them the kids come first seems to make men in particular very annoyed. They also seem to often want to demonstrate their power over the kids that aren't theirs, which doesn't work when they don't put in time to build a relationship.

I love cooking what I want when I want. I like not having to check with someone else whether my choices suit them in general. It means I have a much keener sense of what I do and don't like and what works for me and the kids. No being bulldozed over or having to have odd power dynamics. No energy vampire who just wants to watch sports and never go abroad.

I'm all good thanks! If you are a single parent, a lot of the time there's a good reason for it. The money is rarely one of them (unless your ex was a gambler or addict) but that in itself makes you value a lot more IMO.

My ex left me so it wasn’t actually a choice. I know it tends to be the other way round which is why people maybe find it easier if it was their decision.