Party etiquette - will this cause a family argument?

[Sprogonthetyne]

I have two siblings, one is a full sibling I grew up with, the other is a half sibling who I only got to know recently, as an adult. We all have DC of similar ages. My DC get on ok with both sets of cousins, though tend to play better with the DC of my half sibling, due to closer ages and similar interests and personalities.

I'm sorting my DD's birthday party and the activity she has requested will be something half siblings DC will enjoy but full siblings DC probably wouldn't. WIBU to invite the half cousins while not inviting the full cousins?

I'm not trying to upset anyone, and care about both siblings and all the nephews and niece's. The preference for who to invite is based solely on which kids would participate and enjoy the party, but I'm slightly worried that my mum, who will be attending, will be upset that her grandchildren weren't invited while the other cousins were.

Ring the full sibling, explain the activity and ask whether they would like to come. Offer the option of a separate get-together.

If they want to come to the big party, then that is the only party you hold and your DM comes to that too.

If full sibling declines, then hold a separate get-together with their family and your DM. Invite half-sib and kids to the activity. That way, the half-sibs kids get to do an activity they enjoy and you avoid any awkwardness around a small party.

She does the activity regularly (similar to trampolining) and the bit she's excited about is been able to share it with her friends. Changing the venue won't actually help that much, as a lot of the difficulty is being in a room with a large group of noisy, excited children, so it would only really resolve the problem if we changed the party to a family outing instead. We have done days out instead of parties in the past but I don't think it's unreasonable for a child to have a party some years, even if they have a cousin who doesn't enjoy them.

Is there any reason you can’t just have a sensible conversation about this and explain your dilemma?

Have a birthday tea with your Mum and sibling and kids.

As a parent of a child who has struggled at some birthday parties, I disagree with the post you were responding too. A child’s birthday is special and their party can totally focus around them. Guests can be invited and the parents of those children can decline if it’s not in their best interest. We’ve done hall type parties that were a disaster due to the noise and we sat outside the whole time, but luckily it didn’t increase cost. However we’ve also done some unique experiences that the birthday child loved yet I knew it would push my own child’s boundaries. They overcame them and managed. My DD had a birthday party which was a hobby they loved last year. All enjoyed and the one I did have a concern with managed fine. I was happy to pay the per person fee even if they would have ended up sitting out as we are close and I wouldn’t want to exclude them due to their sensory issues as I certainly wouldn’t want someone to exclude my child due to their sensory issues . Have a chat with your sibling

Does DM have to come? It doesn't sound like something spectator adults would enjoy?!

I'd probably invite half sibs DC, speak to full sib and say DD desperately wants to see a death metal band for her birthday, but totally understand if that's not something Tim and Jim would enjoy (I like the bit about saying you'd avoid it too given a choice! That's definitely something I'd say to my DB in a similar situation, but obviously depends on your relationship!) and if they dont fancy it then you are also planning to have a picnic / cake at home / whatever low cost chilled gathering on x date and invite DM to that one instead.

I have to choose between excluding one set of children or forcing another set of children into a situation they will find destressing.

@Sprogonthetyne But you don't have to do this. You could, as several people have suggested now, have a conversation with your full sibling and ask whether their kids would rather come to the party or have a more low key get together another day. Is there a reason you are ignoring this suggestion? I must be missing something because I really don't understand the dilemma...

You shouldn’t be deciding who will enjoy the activity and who won’t. Let them decide if they want to participate. Invite them, explain what the activity is and wait for their response. No one can complain then that they weren’t included.

You invite everyone and it is their choice if they come.

I'm not sure if this has been said as I've just read your responses. I would just speak to your full sibling. Something along the lines of: 'Dd wants to do X with her friends for her birthday. I know it's probably not the sort of thing your Dd/Ds would enjoy and I wouldn't want you to feel obliged to come. I know half siblings children would enjoy it so I was going to invite them to the friends party. I thought it might be nice for you and your children to come round for a more intimate little family celebration instead. Let me know if I've got this wrong and you think they would enjoy X though'.

There's a fair amount of neurodiversity in the family, affecting both mine and siblings DC. Sibling and I have very different approaches to managing our respective kids needs. I constantly make adjustment and match our plans to what my kids can cope with (with occasional managed stretching). In contrast sibling has chosen to decline support or adjustments for their DC, believing that if they push them to lead a "normal" life the kids will adapt (this is not something I agree with, but a whole other thread). Sibling will accept the invitation on principal because they "don't believe in making adjustments" and DN will sit and cry as they have at almost every party I've seen them at. I feel it's really unfair to force the child into situations they won't cope with and I don't want to be part of making them distressed. I'd also feel like a spinless bitch for making the child suffer to avoid fallout with the adults.

In the past we've invited them to the day out type birthdays, but just done school friends on the years there's been a big noisy party but the new cousins complicate things. I can't invite them on the family outing but also it seems can't invite them to the big party unless I invite all cousins.

Some of the comments on this are so strange… why on earth would anyone think that your daughter should have to change what birthday party she wants to have because her cousins won’t like her chosen activity? It’s her birthday!! It is utterly bizarre to suggest that you should use this as a teaching moment 🙄

If your daughter is old enough to choose what she wants to do for her birthday and who she would like to invite I think you should give her a number of children that she can invite and then invite whoever it is that she chooses!!

of course it will
upset them if not invited . Invite them if they don’t like they have to come and then it’s on them

You really have only 2 options, invite them all or invite none. They are the only ways to ensure no family fallout. Why fall out with family or hurt someone over a kids party?

I think you invite them all & then they decide whether to come or not. Or you have separate friends and family parties.

Now that I see the background I think it's even more important to be careful. This is really tricky and I can't see how you could possibly prioritise one family over the other without causing a massive fallout.

My daughter really struggled at birthday parties until she didn't... so it's not like it's impossible that your sister's children will always be like this or that they can't get used to things and start to enjoy them. You sound really judgemental and like you don't approve of your sister's parenting style. I think it's fair enough to give your sister the option via a text of some sort 'I know Jenny and Johnny don't always enjoy this sort of thing so if you'd rather meet up for a picnic and some cake the next day that's totally fine'... but I'd be really sad if my daughter had been preemptively barred from an event because she 'might' find it challenging (yes, she's autistic).

You cannot possibly think it's kind to invite these new cousins as a priority over their existing cousins, unless you really want to stop being included in your sister's life.

I’m not being funny but my nephew is autistic and if my brother treated him like this, refusing him adjustments and putting him in situations where he cries the whole time I would have no part in it. Stand up for this poor child! Denying adjustments isn’t parenting, it’s not tough love, it’s nasty.

I’d invite the kids that will enjoy it and tell your brother you’re not taking part in him terrorising his kids. They can come for a lowkey pizza party if they want to see their cousins and you would be happy to host.

I feel the same and to me the decision they're making feel cruel but I don't have control over how other people patent. If I push this one I'll end up not been in their life at all, which won't help.

As I've said, I'm happy to do low key family outing celebration with them, and have on past birthdays, I'm just not sure how to navigate it now the other cousins are in the mix, as everyone here seems to agree that inviting one set to the loud party and not the other will go down like a bag of sick.

It will.
So as I’ve already suggested, make it so that the ‘loud’ experience is NOT a party or THE party - it’s something you just do separately with the step cousins.

Invite everyone - you could add something along the lines of "I know your DC aren't massively into this so I won't be offended if they don't fancy it. They are welcome to come for cake afterwards/ celebrate with us on tuesday for birthday tea/ etc"

Multiple posters have suggested that you should have a direct conversation with your sibling.

We’ve had those conversations with our siblings regarding similar situations. It’s not been an issue.

Just excluding them from the party will cause an issue - particularly given your family background - unless you explain why IMO.