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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party etiquette - will this cause a family argument?

121 replies

Sprogonthetyne · 16/08/2025 19:03

I have two siblings, one is a full sibling I grew up with, the other is a half sibling who I only got to know recently, as an adult. We all have DC of similar ages. My DC get on ok with both sets of cousins, though tend to play better with the DC of my half sibling, due to closer ages and similar interests and personalities.

I'm sorting my DD's birthday party and the activity she has requested will be something half siblings DC will enjoy but full siblings DC probably wouldn't. WIBU to invite the half cousins while not inviting the full cousins?

I'm not trying to upset anyone, and care about both siblings and all the nephews and niece's. The preference for who to invite is based solely on which kids would participate and enjoy the party, but I'm slightly worried that my mum, who will be attending, will be upset that her grandchildren weren't invited while the other cousins were.

OP posts:
Goldengirl123 · 17/08/2025 08:01

Why can’t you invite them? If they say no that’s fine

caramac04 · 17/08/2025 08:02

Catwoman8 · 16/08/2025 19:30

Could you do the expensive soft play type party for friends only, and then if you want to do something with the family children, you could do something cheap and low key with them all?

This. I’d say to siblings that I’m having a family only party at home/picnic/cinema but also the activity party for friends. Say cousins are welcome to both if they want to come.

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 08:09

Sprogonthetyne · 16/08/2025 19:47

Meet up with both sets of cousins would be difficult as full sibling doesn't drive, so would need our DM to come and give them a lift. It would be much more awkward for half sibling and DM to be in a small group, then in the big party where they're just part of the crowd.

Could do party then two separate outings, but three 'parties' feels a bit much, so the extra birthdays would all need to be very low key. That would be a bonus for the sensitive cousins but less fun then the main party would have been for the other ones.

Show quote history

You can't plan your child's birthday party around what someone else would want. Your full siblings won't be saying 'well kids your cousins like to do x so that's what we'll do for your party'. Am assuming re the half sib and your mum not wanting to be around them, it's your dad's 2nd or 1st family?

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/08/2025 08:09

Not sure why this is such an issue

say to sibling dd wants to do xyz for her party. It’s £20pc so checking they would like to come as may be too noisy for them , and if it is, then will do a 2nd party at home with pizza and cake for family

CountryQueen · 17/08/2025 08:14

You’re massively overthinking this. Your kid is 4. What exactly is she doing that means the cousins will be “missing out” if they don’t get an invite?

Seriously, just invite friends to the noisy party and then invite family to a pizza party or whatever at home or a picnic in a park. Your sister can ask your mum to drive or you could kindly find a decent park on a public transport route.

It’s really not that difficult.

Summerbay23 · 17/08/2025 08:16

legalseagull · 16/08/2025 19:17

Invite them but say “if it’s not their thing we can have a pizza party at home with them seperately”

This.

Daisyvodka · 17/08/2025 08:19

...sorry, im genuinely a bit confused why you cant just talk to your cousin and say exactly what you have said here?

Blueblell · 17/08/2025 08:21

I don’t know what activity it is but imagining trampoline park or zip wire. If it were a zip wire in a big park type setting I would suggest they play/walk in the park whilst the activity is happening and then join for the food and cake part. If it is a trampoline park then that might not really work.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 17/08/2025 08:22

Doing this could literally damage your family for years. Is it really worth it?

WhereIsMyJumper · 17/08/2025 08:27

Sprogonthetyne · 16/08/2025 19:22

DD has been asking for this specific party for months, so I don't really want to say no to accommodate cousins she sees a few times a year, it is her birthday.

I think not inviting either is probably the way forward, which is a shame as I don't like children missing out due to family politics.

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Absolutely don’t change the activity if tts what your DC wants but literally do what has been suggested and invite both sets of cousins but explain to DSIS that you won’t be offended if they won’t want to come and suggest a separate gathering to include them. It’s a win/win - everyone gets to do what they want and your DC gets two parties!

Silverbirchleaf · 17/08/2025 08:29

It’s your dc’s birthday. She gets to choose the activity. If the others don’t like it, they can decline.

Original poster
Sprogonthetyne · 17/08/2025 08:32

PamIsAVolleyballChamp · 17/08/2025 08:09

You can't plan your child's birthday party around what someone else would want. Your full siblings won't be saying 'well kids your cousins like to do x so that's what we'll do for your party'. Am assuming re the half sib and your mum not wanting to be around them, it's your dad's 2nd or 1st family?

Show quote history

Half siblings DM was the OW and after (Dickhead)F left our family for that one, he didn't pay maintenance of see me & full sibling, so at the time there was quite a bit of resentment about him supporting some of his children and not others.

I'm sure DM know that as a baby, half sib had no say in any of this, and I hope she wouldn't hold it against them. But they've not met before and I don't want to push either of them into a potentially awkward situation. If they were both at the big party, they would be part of a big crowd of parent and could choose to interact or not. Having them both at a small family party would definitely feel like to much, to soon.

OP posts:
AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 17/08/2025 08:35

HeddaGarbled · 16/08/2025 19:25

Of course sibling/DC will be hurt if it looks like you've now replaced them with new, exciting, shiny half cousins you've recently met

Yup - I think that’s what it will look like despite what seems like a reasonable reason to you.

And organised an activity those new cousins will specifically enjoy.

honestly however you play it it looks like a deliberate snub.

I know people say explain to your sister but there’s really no way to do it which doesn’t make it obvious that her kids aren’t wanted there.

Fargo79 · 17/08/2025 08:36

I'd invite them all. It's up to your sibling to decide if the activity is suitable for their kids, and you can make it clear to them that you understand it may not be suitable given their additional needs so no pressure etc. If they do come and sit at the side, I wouldn't see it as £60 wasted, but £60 well spent to avoid a family rift or hurt feelings.

Hummusanddipdip · 17/08/2025 08:41

Just say to full sibling "planning x,y,z for little Joe's birthday, would your 3 enjoy it and want to come?" And go from there. If sibling says no then don't invite... simple.

Rowen32 · 17/08/2025 08:42

Hummusanddipdip · 17/08/2025 08:41

Just say to full sibling "planning x,y,z for little Joe's birthday, would your 3 enjoy it and want to come?" And go from there. If sibling says no then don't invite... simple.

Was just about to write this. Seems like the perfect way to deal with it

Swiftie1878 · 17/08/2025 08:44

Choose an activity they’ll all enjoy and invite everyone.
Do the other activity another time, outside of any ‘celebration’ when you’d expect all family to attend.

Mumofteenandtween · 17/08/2025 08:46

I would send a message along the lines of:-

“Hi Susan. Lizzie wants to have a “how loud can you scream” party for her school friends for her birthday this year. I’m guessing your kids would rather eat their own eyeballs than go (as would I 😂 but I haven’t yet come up with a good excuse!) so I thought that we would have a family party for the cousins on the 16th. Not sure exactly what we will do but it will be something calm! My liver can’t take two lots of paracetamol abuse.”

Important things:-

  1. Call it the “family party” and the “school friends party” when talking to your mum
  2. Have the family party first. (Either on the actual birthday or very close.)
ClairDeLaLune · 17/08/2025 08:47

Umm - talk to your full sibling. Say your DC wants to do XYZ but you’re concerned their kids might not like it so you’d be happy to invite them round for pizza/movie/sleepover/whatever on a separate date.

So many problems on here could be solved by a simple bit of communication!

Venalopolos · 17/08/2025 08:47

WimpoleHat · 16/08/2025 19:23

Why not explain it to your sibling as you have done here? “DD really wants X party. Obviously, it’d be great to see John and Jane if they fancy it - but I did say to DD that it might not be their cup of tea and they might prefer to go for a pizza/the cinema (or whatever) with you another time? What do you think?” You can discuss it and let your sibling decide. You can ask your mum to come along if you decide to have a second party as well.

Surely this is the obvious option? As your sibling if their DC would like an invite or if they’d prefer a different special get together.

ThatWhiteElephant · 17/08/2025 08:48

Hatty65 · 16/08/2025 19:10

YWBU. Just invite them all, and if they want to come they can.

Of course sibling/DC will be hurt if it looks like you've now replaced them with new, exciting, shiny half cousins you've recently met. Don't do this and NOT expect to cause hurt feelings and family rows.

This covers it all!

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 17/08/2025 08:54

Does your full sibling have a relationship with the half sibling?

Dippythedino · 17/08/2025 09:05

Invite them all and give them the choice whether to attend or not, this way there's no potential for a fall out.

Overtheway · 17/08/2025 09:09

Couldn't you just ask your sister before you include them in the numbers?

"Hey sister, Lily wants a football party this year. Would your guys enjoy it or should we meet up separately? No pressure either way!"

Allswellthatendswelll · 17/08/2025 09:10

I really do think you have to invite them all. Or neither of them.

I don't think you can base stuff of children's personalities or likes and dislikes. Especially as they change like the wind. DS just came back from the party where I'm v good friends with the mum. It was a princess one and not his scene and I don't think he was that into it. However I'd have been sad if he hadn't been included!

20 quid per child seems quite steep so I think you'd be fine not having any cousins. I'd not expect my kids to be invited to every cousin party just the big free for all church hall ones.