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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find it strange that my friend messages my boyfriend every day

121 replies

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:28

Friend and I joined an online hobby group/forum type thing together around 9 months ago. It's a friendly bunch of people and we talk on the forum most days. We've both made friends, there are a load of group chats and small groups of us meet up in person every so often (we're spread all over the country).

I became very close with one guy in particular and about 3 months ago we decided to give it a shot in a long distance relationship. It's early days and the LDR aspect makes it a bit tricky, but I like him a lot and we're both happy with where we are at the moment.

In the last few weeks BF has mentioned a few times that my friend has been messaging him. The first time I really paid attention was when I had a minor argument with my friend and she messaged him asking if she could vent about me as I was driving her mad. BF shut this down and sent me a screenshot, asking what had happened. I felt like this was pretty unpleasant and I told friend that, but she dismissed it saying her intention was for my BF to "mediate" the disagreement.

A few nights ago I was with BF when friend was messaging him and he showed me their chat. For the past 3 weeks friend has messaged my BF every single day. They aren't long conversations and there's nothing overtly worrying but she messages him good morning most days, makes small talk and asks lots of questions about the hobby. BF is friendly and helpful but 90% of the conversation is driven by her.

Half of me doesn't feel like I'm justified in being annoyed as there's nothing actually wrong with their messages, but I just feel really off about it. A few times she has asked him to send a photo as he doesn't have a profile picture up on the forum, which really pissed me off (he didn't send it). But she said it was just curiosity and it was normal to want to know what her friends BF was like.

I'm not worried about BF, but I think my friend is being really disrespectful to my new relationship by messaging my BF this often. With the distance and my job being very full on there are often days where I barely speak to BF, which wasn't an issue for us but it's upset me that on those days my friend sometimes speaks to him more than I do.

If I'm told I'm unreasonable I shall try and pull up my big girl pants and be an adult about all of it! I'm probably feeling a little sensitive today as I won't see BF for another 5 weeks due to work/family stuff and I'm already missing him a bit.

OP posts:
Saltandpepperlife · 16/08/2025 12:31

She isn’t your friend. Trust your instincts.

SparklyGlitterballs · 16/08/2025 12:32

Yeah, I wouldn't be happy with that. Is she jealous and trying to win him over? It sounds as though he's very open with you and not encouraging her though. If he feels uncomfortable then he needs to be firm and shut her down.

DeLaRuiz · 16/08/2025 12:32

I’m guessing y’all are fourteen years old?

Agrumpyknitter · 16/08/2025 12:33

YANBU to be uncomfortable.

Does she message you good morning everyday too? and do you have similar chats?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 12:33

Very inappropriate of her to basically slag you off behind your back to him. I suspect she’s trying to steal him to be honest. Is your boyfriend a bit of a people pleaser? It’s good that he’s telling you about it, but ideally he’d just stop replying to her. I don’t think there’s any point having a discussion with your friend as she’ll never acknowledge she’s doing anything wrong. She’s not your friend though.

wizzywig · 16/08/2025 12:34

Message on your boyfriends phone "hello Doris, you know i can see you message Dave every day?"

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 16/08/2025 12:35

Totally agree she is not your friend. Did you tell her how disloyal she was being? I would do and I would also think this friendship has maybe run its course. How long have you known her?

Balloonhearts · 16/08/2025 12:36

She's not your friend. I have a lot of male friends and we are reasonably close and text regularly. We do not text every day, or do good morning texts or ask for pics. I also wouldn't badmouth their partners to them.

Tagyoureit · 16/08/2025 12:36

Its inappropriate behaviour from her and id be asking her wtf shes playing at.

She seems very immature

JamPotJenny · 16/08/2025 12:38

DeLaRuiz · 16/08/2025 12:32

I’m guessing y’all are fourteen years old?

That’s unpleasant. Don’t stick the boot in with an arse-hole comment then vanish, you little keyboard warrior. If the topic doesn’t interest you, scroll away.

OP, she isn’t acting in your best interests. Be wary.

mondaytosunday · 16/08/2025 12:42

Who goes to a friends BF to vent about them? Has she no other friends? Is she expecting to turn him against you? What do you think the motivation was?
Shes not a friend, and your BF should stop engaging with her.

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:42

DeLaRuiz · 16/08/2025 12:32

I’m guessing y’all are fourteen years old?

I'm late 20s, friend and BF are mid 30s.

Sorry if I've come across childish, I was worried about that. I'm autistic and I often struggle to read social situations which is why I've come here for advice.

OP posts:
DeLaRuiz · 16/08/2025 12:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Alltheyellowbirds · 16/08/2025 12:44

It’s one thing if they are messaging about the hobby stuff or whatever.. But messaging first thing to say good morning? That’s something you do to a guy you are interested in/are flirting with. That’s bang out of order when her friend is dating him.

I have a number of guy friends im close to and occasionally we’ll have long text chats. It would however never occur to me to start my day by sending any of them a good morning message. It’s like saying to the person that they are the first thing you think of when you wake up.

healthybychristmas · 16/08/2025 12:45

This woman is not your friend. She is trying to make your boyfriend her boyfriend.

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:47

Balloonhearts · 16/08/2025 12:36

She's not your friend. I have a lot of male friends and we are reasonably close and text regularly. We do not text every day, or do good morning texts or ask for pics. I also wouldn't badmouth their partners to them.

I have lots of male friends as well so I felt like a giant hypocrite for feeling weird about this one!

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/08/2025 12:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You’re not coming across as someone who is in a position to accuse others of being childish.

Darragon · 16/08/2025 12:49

Wow what a cowbag. She is definitely not a good friend at all. She is trying to steal him out from under you.

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:50

Agrumpyknitter · 16/08/2025 12:33

YANBU to be uncomfortable.

Does she message you good morning everyday too? and do you have similar chats?

We talk a lot and have more serious chats than she does with my BF, but I don't get good morning messages! We have a group chat with me, BF, friend and 3 others and we say good morning to each other in there, it's just weird that she messages him directly as well.

OP posts:
OnTheBoardwalk · 16/08/2025 12:51

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:47

I have lots of male friends as well so I felt like a giant hypocrite for feeling weird about this one!

Trust your instincts.

i have lots of male friends as well and go on lads night outs mainly due to industry I’m in. This doesn’t feel right at all

YellowZebraStripes · 16/08/2025 12:51

WTAF. Now I'm an incredibly open warm friendly person, but that's really fucking weird.

FrogFrogFrog · 16/08/2025 12:52

It's weird. It's what you do when you're interested in a guy. Good on your bf for being upfront with you and letting you know what's going on.

Does your 'friend' know that you know about her cosy little 'good morning' messages?

Alltheyellowbirds · 16/08/2025 12:55

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:50

We talk a lot and have more serious chats than she does with my BF, but I don't get good morning messages! We have a group chat with me, BF, friend and 3 others and we say good morning to each other in there, it's just weird that she messages him directly as well.

If there’s already a group chat then it’s even weirder she’s messaging him privately as there’s no need.

Takenoprisoner · 16/08/2025 12:55

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:50

We talk a lot and have more serious chats than she does with my BF, but I don't get good morning messages! We have a group chat with me, BF, friend and 3 others and we say good morning to each other in there, it's just weird that she messages him directly as well.

Has she met him? She is being very sneaky and disrespectful. Your BF could just stop responding, so I wonder why he keeps engaging with her.

Rayqueen · 16/08/2025 12:56

I would be ditching fried because this is not what a friend does especially texting a fall out way beyond any friends place