To find it strange that my friend messages my boyfriend every day

[Vinsomer]

Friend and I joined an online hobby group/forum type thing together around 9 months ago. It's a friendly bunch of people and we talk on the forum most days. We've both made friends, there are a load of group chats and small groups of us meet up in person every so often (we're spread all over the country).

I became very close with one guy in particular and about 3 months ago we decided to give it a shot in a long distance relationship. It's early days and the LDR aspect makes it a bit tricky, but I like him a lot and we're both happy with where we are at the moment.

In the last few weeks BF has mentioned a few times that my friend has been messaging him. The first time I really paid attention was when I had a minor argument with my friend and she messaged him asking if she could vent about me as I was driving her mad. BF shut this down and sent me a screenshot, asking what had happened. I felt like this was pretty unpleasant and I told friend that, but she dismissed it saying her intention was for my BF to "mediate" the disagreement.

A few nights ago I was with BF when friend was messaging him and he showed me their chat. For the past 3 weeks friend has messaged my BF every single day. They aren't long conversations and there's nothing overtly worrying but she messages him good morning most days, makes small talk and asks lots of questions about the hobby. BF is friendly and helpful but 90% of the conversation is driven by her.

Half of me doesn't feel like I'm justified in being annoyed as there's nothing actually wrong with their messages, but I just feel really off about it. A few times she has asked him to send a photo as he doesn't have a profile picture up on the forum, which really pissed me off (he didn't send it). But she said it was just curiosity and it was normal to want to know what her friends BF was like.

I'm not worried about BF, but I think my friend is being really disrespectful to my new relationship by messaging my BF this often. With the distance and my job being very full on there are often days where I barely speak to BF, which wasn't an issue for us but it's upset me that on those days my friend sometimes speaks to him more than I do.

If I'm told I'm unreasonable I shall try and pull up my big girl pants and be an adult about all of it! I'm probably feeling a little sensitive today as I won't see BF for another 5 weeks due to work/family stuff and I'm already missing him a bit.

It feels a bit flirty.
She sounds jealous but not necessarily because she wants your boyfriend. Maybe she’s trying to edge in so she doesn’t feel left out.

I’d have a really open and curious conversation with her. Don’t accuse but try and work out what’s going on with her.

I don't think she wants my boyfriend, she doesn't even know what he looks like! She also has a husband, although their marriage is in a rough patch at the moment.

We've been friends for 3 years but we were really close. I supported her a lot when her mum was sick and she was having marriage problems. I always thought we were open with each other and she probably knows more about my feelings than any of my other friends.

I wouldn't give your BF an ultimatum but would he be comfortable cooling things with your friend? She seems to be the one overstepping boundaries. He could ignore messages from her unless they need a specific reply, take longer to reply or only message through the group chat.

She isn’t your friend and he is showing you the texts so you can get all jealous over him and boost his ego.

He would have blocked her ages ago if he didn’t like the attention she was giving him but he has let her carry on.

Both are not worth your time and energy.

Did she message him with this frequency before you got together?

She's not your friend, she's trying to steal him. Trust your instincts!

BF is a bit of a people pleaser, he's a lovely guy and would help anyone with anything. He's also super passionate about our hobby and loves any excuse to talk about it or help people.

He does shut it down sometimes and only really engages if it's directly about the hobby. He also told her one time "Go talk to Vinsomer instead of me, she's your friend" and she sent laughing faces and said "I'm allowed more than one friend". I haven't told him that it has bothered me because I didn't want him to think I was being crazy or controlling.

She sounds like she's competing with you. Especially as her marriage is rocky atm, she seems to be latching onto him. Possibly to make herself feel better.

I would have an open conversation and let her know you find it very disrespectful and odd. The asking him for pictures is very inappropriate, there's no need. why on earth is she messaging him if they've never met? That's beyond odd.

What a strange thing to do. She sounds jealous.
I agree with the others, she’s defo trying it on with your fella. Messaging him ‘good morning’ everyday is weird enough but messaging him to vent about you is so disrespectful. I wouldn’t trust her and would need someone like that out of my life.
Good on your boyfriend for showing you the messages but I think he needs to stop replying to her altogether so she gets the picture. You are defo not being unreasonable and she certainly isn’t a ‘friend’

Ok. The very generous interpretation is this.

Maybe he feels 'safe' because he's your boyfriend. Maybe she feels that it's OK to message him, even to have a bit of a moan, because he knows you and she isn't going to be able to turn him against you. Maybe she isn't very socially skilled or experienced in relationships and knows he isn't going to take it the wrong way because he's with you.

The slightly more concerning interpretation is this (and I've weirdly experienced this!) she actually considers herself almost as a third person in your relationship. So she has access to him for support because you do and she can message him when she feels like it because you do. She sees it as the three of you together and he's just an extension of your friendship with her..

Or she isn't a friend to you at all and she knows exactly what she is doing.

So, at best, her boundaries are just wildly off and, at worst, she's intentionally trying to come between you.

I would also have a 'curious' conversation with her. But he does need to shut it down. If he's showing you the messages, he's doing the right thing and he might not feel comfortable with shutting her down or ignoring her as she's your friend. So you also need a conversation with him about how he responds (or doesn't).

ETA: I'd missed that they haven't met. I doubt she wants him for herself in that case. I think her boundaries are off and she sees him as an extension of your friendship with her. Like she'd been introduced to your friend and is trying to become friends with them too.

Why doesn’t he ignore or block her if the forum allows? Don’t think you can block on here, but other forums have a user ignore function. She won’t know.

This sounds like she’s enjoying the attention another man is giving her. I think your boyfriend, though polite, is being a little naive by facilitating her. He should really say I’m sorry Jane, but you messaging me several times a day is making me a little uncomfortable and shut it down.

They aren't a real friend to either of you. Block them, both of you.

You don’t come across childish Op. That poster was just being a dickhead.

@Vinsomer

It's great that you can trust your boyfriend & he's been open with you about it. However you look at it, it's downright weird & crosses a boundary.

Your boyfriend needs to continue to keep her at arm's length in the hobby group chat & not engage at all on a 1:1 basis & you need to call her on it ASAP because she's most definitely NOT your friend right now - regardless of how innocent she claims her intentions are.

I agree! ⬆️

She is not your friend. Messages every day when they have a common hobby could maybe be innocent. Asking him if she can vent about you after an argument is way over the line. It sounds like she did this to test his boundaries before making a move.

She's not your friend.

She's either after your boyfriend herself or wants to mess up your relationship.

I'd end the alleged "friendship".

No that’s weird
i do have a male friend and yes we message daily but it’s very open - I will tell him say hi to x (his girlfriend), I’m also FB friends with his girlfriend, and I’m not interested in him at all.

Is the hobby gaming and the platform discord? Honestly, her behaviour is pretty common of lots of married people on discord unfortunately, unhappy people can feel better with the attention there. If so, something to remember is that when you play games with people for several hours and spend a lot of time with them chatting it's easy to feel closer to them than you are, which she clearly thinks she has an in with your partner.
I know you say he's a people pleaser but he just needs to stop replying and start addressing her and along with everyone else in your group chat, it's okay to have healthy boundaries. Does it bother him?

At the end of the day she isn't your friend, not really, but if you cut her out and he keeps talking to her you'll never feel comfortable about it again. Maybe have a frank conversation with him about it again and see what he suggests. My partner would have just ignored her.

This is perfect.

She is NOT your friend.

Its good that he showed you these messages.. and asked what's going on.
Her excuse about wanting to vent to him and "mediate" a disagreement are nonsensical. Dump her.

nope shes after him or just trying to wind you up

ditch her

Fuck me, you’ve got a snake here. You both need to sling her back into the grass.

You need to tell BF that it is bothering you. Make it clear that you do trust him and are not questioning his actions or intentions but you feel your friend is over stepping and trying to position herself into your relationship and it doesn't feel like she's doing it for positive reasons.

I wouldn't ask him to back off, but I would ask her to. At the end of the day, she's making him uncomfortable and putting him in a difficult position, which is why he feels like he has to keep showing you her messages. He is going out of his way to show you he is innocent in all this and he shouldn't be put in that position at all.

She's not acting like a friend to you, here. She's getting something out of this - be it a feigned 'interest' she perceives from him replying or some sort of 'power' from being in regular contact with him - whatever it is, it feels very negative.

I'd be telling her to take a giant step back, that her actions are making BF uncomfortable and remind her that sending 'Good morning' texts to other men, be they friends or not, is not going to help her marriage.

She is gaslighting both you and him with comments like "I'm allowed more than 1 friend".
She knows what she is doing is inappropriate