To find it strange that my friend messages my boyfriend every day

[Vinsomer]

Friend and I joined an online hobby group/forum type thing together around 9 months ago. It's a friendly bunch of people and we talk on the forum most days. We've both made friends, there are a load of group chats and small groups of us meet up in person every so often (we're spread all over the country).

I became very close with one guy in particular and about 3 months ago we decided to give it a shot in a long distance relationship. It's early days and the LDR aspect makes it a bit tricky, but I like him a lot and we're both happy with where we are at the moment.

In the last few weeks BF has mentioned a few times that my friend has been messaging him. The first time I really paid attention was when I had a minor argument with my friend and she messaged him asking if she could vent about me as I was driving her mad. BF shut this down and sent me a screenshot, asking what had happened. I felt like this was pretty unpleasant and I told friend that, but she dismissed it saying her intention was for my BF to "mediate" the disagreement.

A few nights ago I was with BF when friend was messaging him and he showed me their chat. For the past 3 weeks friend has messaged my BF every single day. They aren't long conversations and there's nothing overtly worrying but she messages him good morning most days, makes small talk and asks lots of questions about the hobby. BF is friendly and helpful but 90% of the conversation is driven by her.

Half of me doesn't feel like I'm justified in being annoyed as there's nothing actually wrong with their messages, but I just feel really off about it. A few times she has asked him to send a photo as he doesn't have a profile picture up on the forum, which really pissed me off (he didn't send it). But she said it was just curiosity and it was normal to want to know what her friends BF was like.

I'm not worried about BF, but I think my friend is being really disrespectful to my new relationship by messaging my BF this often. With the distance and my job being very full on there are often days where I barely speak to BF, which wasn't an issue for us but it's upset me that on those days my friend sometimes speaks to him more than I do.

If I'm told I'm unreasonable I shall try and pull up my big girl pants and be an adult about all of it! I'm probably feeling a little sensitive today as I won't see BF for another 5 weeks due to work/family stuff and I'm already missing him a bit.

It’s not your BF that needs to be spoken to about it - he isn’t the problem; your ‘friend’ is.
If you are genuinely close, and talk to her about feelings (as you have suggested), just tell her what you’ve told us - that her speaking to him in private (non-group) messages every day, and often more than you do, makes you uncomfortable. That you don’t think it’s something a ‘friend’ should be doing. If she wants to know what he looks like, she could have asked to see one of your photos of him!
Just tell her it feels inappropriate given that you are her friend as are in a relationship with him.

Is she worried you’re being catfished or taken advantage of?

@DeLaRuizGrow up!

Why don’t you just ask her why she’s privately messaging your boyfriend every day?

It sounds to me like she’s a bit jealous that you have this new relationship and she’s trying to establish herself as part of it. The fact she wanted him to ‘mediate’ your argument is strange - he isn’t a neutral party, he’s your boyfriend.

I think she’s deluding herself that she has a special friendship with him too, so you’re not ‘special’.

She's not your friend - she showed that when she asked your boyfriend if she could vent about you. Attempting to put him in the middle and expecting him to listen while she bad mouthed you.

That shows she's hoping he has as little loyalty to you as she has.

No wonder her marriage is going through a rough patch! Mine would be too if I was messaging my friends’ partners every day.

I wouldn’t say anything to her yourself (because that will just encourage her), but your DP obviously thinks it is a bit much too, so just let him know that if he wants to tell her to dial it down, you won’t have any complaints. He may be holding back in case she runs crying to you about him being mean.

Them? The only person out of order here is the friend not the boyfriend. Just one person

No, that's very very off.

I doubt she's really interested in your boyfriend, but I do think she's one of those people who has to prove that they're the "best" in order to not feel shit about themselves. She's having relationship problems, so how very dare you enjoy your new relationship. She wants to win him so she can feel superior. She'll never be a good friend because she'll always be in competition with you for all the good things in your life.

She’s not your friend. She isn’t loyal to you. I think she’s after your boyfriend for herself and is trying to steal him for herself. If you have known the friend longer than boyfriend (which I think according to your post) speak to her and ask her what the hell she’s doing. Your BF is showing you the messages (which is good). I would want him to message her telling her to stop too.

She fancies him. She isnt your friend.

Very strange of her, but she's not acting like a friend.

Sounds as if he doesn't want to engage with her and needs your approval to let her know this. It's very odd that she messages him every day and must feel uncomfortable for him also.

They? It’s a she/her. A woman.

She might not be interested in him, but she doesn't want you to be with him either.
She's not a friend she's trying to cause trouble.

Your friend is weird.

She isn’t your friend.
The sooner you realise this the better.
Take a huge step back from her.
Yanbu at all.

This is very bad. She interprets every polite attempt at a boundary as a chance for negotiation. This is a sign of a very encroaching, manipulative, and potentially engulfing person. She will not accept a polite, soft, “no.” This is very demeaning and dangerous to people in her social circle and to autistic and soft/people pleasing types.

You may think she is your friend, snd that she isn’t interested in him because she is married snd because she hasn’t seen him. Neither of these are relevant to game playing or narcissistic people. It is enough that she is competitive with you and wants to take him away from you.

Hello OP, my daughter is a lot younger than you, and autistic- and I know she would doubt herself in this one, and be trusting. I’m glad your BF showed you the messages, I really don’t think this person is your friend and is probably trying to get close to your BF- I would speak to your BF and tell him if you feel uncomfortable, and that you are going to distance yourself from this friend. She does not seem like she has your best interests at heart, and id let her friendship go and see if BF is happy to do the same. Good luck

Thank you for all the responses. It's very sad to read but at least I no longer feel like I'm being crazy!

We had a good friendship for almost 3 years before this. I don't want to throw that away but it's definitely shifted since I've been in this relationship.

This makes a lot of sense. This is the first time I've dated someone since we've been friends and I've definitely seen a change in her. She's been far more annoyed and impatient with me.

I feel bad for her because I know she isn't happy in her own relationship. But I don't feel like she wants me to be happy either.

I'm going to talk to my boyfriend about it when he calls me this evening, now that I no longer feel like I'm being crazy/paranoid.

Have you been in a relationship before during your friendship with her? I wonder if she feels that you can’t manage a relationship whereas she is “happily” married and therefore she can look down on you. If you build a successful relationship while her marriage is falling apart she won’t be able to feel superior anymore. It sounds weird but I’ve seen this situation quite often when one person in a friendship appears to be more successful, they then don’t like it if their less successful friends starts doing better for themselves. A real friend would be happy for you that you’ve found a nice boyfriend, not trying to sabotage your relationship as your friend clearly is.

She isn't your friend and she sounds like a cow. Your instincts are spot on OP. Get rid of her, she means you harm and trouble.

If she currently has relationship problems, then I suspect she is trying to make herself feel validated by having an ongoing chat with another bloke. "My husband doesn't appreciate me, but this chap is chatting to me so he must like me, so I am ok really"

It's not really appropriate when the chap is a friends boyfriend.

Does your boyfriend know your friend is having marriage problems? When you talk to him later you could maybe say that you are concerned she is starting to use your boyfriend as a bit of an emotional prop, so for her benefit as much as anything else, could he back away from the conversations.

At least you’re boyfriend is shutting her down