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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it strange that my friend messages my boyfriend every day

121 replies

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:28

Friend and I joined an online hobby group/forum type thing together around 9 months ago. It's a friendly bunch of people and we talk on the forum most days. We've both made friends, there are a load of group chats and small groups of us meet up in person every so often (we're spread all over the country).

I became very close with one guy in particular and about 3 months ago we decided to give it a shot in a long distance relationship. It's early days and the LDR aspect makes it a bit tricky, but I like him a lot and we're both happy with where we are at the moment.

In the last few weeks BF has mentioned a few times that my friend has been messaging him. The first time I really paid attention was when I had a minor argument with my friend and she messaged him asking if she could vent about me as I was driving her mad. BF shut this down and sent me a screenshot, asking what had happened. I felt like this was pretty unpleasant and I told friend that, but she dismissed it saying her intention was for my BF to "mediate" the disagreement.

A few nights ago I was with BF when friend was messaging him and he showed me their chat. For the past 3 weeks friend has messaged my BF every single day. They aren't long conversations and there's nothing overtly worrying but she messages him good morning most days, makes small talk and asks lots of questions about the hobby. BF is friendly and helpful but 90% of the conversation is driven by her.

Half of me doesn't feel like I'm justified in being annoyed as there's nothing actually wrong with their messages, but I just feel really off about it. A few times she has asked him to send a photo as he doesn't have a profile picture up on the forum, which really pissed me off (he didn't send it). But she said it was just curiosity and it was normal to want to know what her friends BF was like.

I'm not worried about BF, but I think my friend is being really disrespectful to my new relationship by messaging my BF this often. With the distance and my job being very full on there are often days where I barely speak to BF, which wasn't an issue for us but it's upset me that on those days my friend sometimes speaks to him more than I do.

If I'm told I'm unreasonable I shall try and pull up my big girl pants and be an adult about all of it! I'm probably feeling a little sensitive today as I won't see BF for another 5 weeks due to work/family stuff and I'm already missing him a bit.

OP posts:
Skybluepinky · 16/08/2025 18:57

She is no friend of yours, get rid.

Charlieangle · 16/08/2025 19:29

It’s good your boyfriend is showing you all the messages and is completely upfront with regards to them.
I would message friends husband and say, gosh all these messages everyday are a bit much’ just so he’s aware of them. Your friend obviously had no qualms about running off and venting about you so do something similar with her husband.
Also why does she need your boyfriend’s number? Set up a group chat with the three of you in it and let your boyfriend ignore all other private messages.

Zoec1975 · 17/08/2025 18:36

Ditch her,she is not trustworthy at all,she is after your boyfriend.

perfectstorm · 17/08/2025 18:52

She's not your friend. She exploits you for support, company (and possibly practically) and feels competitive with you.

When you aren't like that yourself, it's easy to explain away each incident individually. But taken as a whole picture, stepping back - do you really feel this person cares for you, wants the best for you, feels warmly protective and appreciative of you?

If not, that's not a friend. I speak as someone recently burned by someone like this, but on steroids. Not everyone is someone whose motives a reasonably well-balanced person can understand. And when someone shows you who they are, as the saying goes, believe them. The first time.

HappiestWhenGardening · 17/08/2025 19:15

Saltandpepperlife · 16/08/2025 12:31

She isn’t your friend. Trust your instincts.

This.

SliceofTosst · 17/08/2025 19:30

The problem if OP ditches her, she will just go running to OP's boyfriend saying how mean OP is and she doesn't know what she's done wrong. Manipulative. OP's bf will be in such an awkward position as she can hardly tell him to ignore her too or OP would look like she's jealous and spiteful.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 17/08/2025 19:42

In situations like this you just have to trust time. You don't him too well and your friend is doing the 'we're just friends' thing. She is a 'pain' and knows exactly what she is doing. I used to let both parties go and see which one returned to me openly and truthfully. If neither, you have lost nothing. If BF you know he is a good bloke. Find some other interests in the meantime and play the nonchalent disinterested mate. She is probably feeding off your insecurity which gives her a sense of power. You need to cut the juice.

Potatosaladsalsa · 17/08/2025 19:44

I had a very similar and painful situation. A girl I moved in with my bf and I would message him behind my back, but I wasn’t worried because she was my very close friend, I didn’t see her as a threat (she was very physically unattractive and not my BFs type) and above all, I trust my boyfriend fully. It wasn’t anything serious Convo wise, usually about a guy she was seeing. I sometimes spend 3-4 nights away from my BF due to commitments, so she’d be there when I wasn’t. Not an issue - although I admit a little piece of me felt “oh, this feels tricky, and I’m worrying” even tho I trusted my BF. It was her I felt a bit iffy about (no clue why!!!!!).

anyway, moved this chick in, all good. She then started messaging him a bit more but they live together and I wasn’t really home. Wasn’t worried. Then, next thing, she’s discussing getting a job at his workplace as a co worker!!!! She wanted to work with him! I did confess to my BF that it would give me massive FOMO - because it did- my best friend and boyfriend together 24/7 while I’m elsewhere? No way.

then I noticed she would walk around naked in front of me, with the risk of him walking in. She’d walk around, tits out, ass out, in broad view of potentially both of us!!!! She also tried to walk into the bedroom when BF was still asleep but I shoved her out the room.

she also started clapping when she overheard our bed squeak. We were being as quiet as we possibly could but she overheard and kept clapping! And laughing hysterically! I swear on my life we were being so so quiet about it. She kept messaging us etc with the general thing of “keep going but hahahaha I hear you!”

then she tried to kill my BF’s and I’s pet, and then hung up things over pictures of BF and I, as if to hide them. She also kept putting on documentaries about bad flatmates - usually ones where the flatmate “steals” this life of another ie takes the bf, the house, etc. she thought fleabag was an icon, saw herself as a fleabag, and decided that fleabags actions ie being an affair partner to her BFFs BF, was completely reasonable. Ew.

she also crushed my beloved plant into a picture of BF and I. Made me feel very weird.

anyway this happened in less than 5 days and I turfed her out, she told me she wanted to hurt me, that she hated me, that I was evil, that she hadn’t slept in days, etc. very worrying.

I trusted my BF though this all and he was really calm and supportive. He stayed out of arguments and helped me turf her out.

Judecb · 17/08/2025 20:25

To answer your original question; YES !

Cherryicecreamx · 17/08/2025 20:31

Agree with others, she doesn't sound like a friend. You've approached her about it and she's carried on. BF sounds good that he's being open with you but he needs to shut it down/not entertain it anymore. If he knows you feel uncomfortable about it, can he just not reply now?

Rosacia12 · 17/08/2025 21:10

You are not being unreasonable. She is being incredibly sly. She is definitely not your friend. Why hasn’t your boyfriend blocked her?

Pinkdhalia · 17/08/2025 21:11

Ask her why she’s overstepping the friendship line by messaging your boyfriend daily?I’m guessing she’s got designs on getting his interest. She’s not got a boyfriend that’s why she’s after yours. Ask her not to. Or If possible either ask him to block her because she’s annoying you. or get access to his phone and you block her

Rosacia12 · 17/08/2025 21:14

You are not being unreasonable. She is being incredibly sly. She is definitely not your friend. Why hasn’t your boyfriend blocked her?

Pictures50 · 17/08/2025 21:18

She is not your friend and YANBU.
She is showing you who she really is. Believe her.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2025 21:19

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:57

I don't think she wants my boyfriend, she doesn't even know what he looks like! She also has a husband, although their marriage is in a rough patch at the moment.

We've been friends for 3 years but we were really close. I supported her a lot when her mum was sick and she was having marriage problems. I always thought we were open with each other and she probably knows more about my feelings than any of my other friends.

She doesn't want you to have a boyfriend...

Endorewitch · 17/08/2025 23:21

Definitely not appropriate to text him privately so often. She should stick to group chat.
She is being disloyal to you and I suggest you ask your boyfriend to ask her to stop?Does he text back out of politeness?If so ask him to ignore her.
She is not acting like a goid friend .

GrandTheftWalrus · 17/08/2025 23:59

I message a male colleague all the time. When I was at work last week his girlfriend said to me whats he going to do now as we were both working and he'd have no one to talk to. All completely innocent.

What shes doing isn't. And shes trying to take him from you.

GrumblyHedge · 18/08/2025 00:02

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:42

I'm late 20s, friend and BF are mid 30s.

Sorry if I've come across childish, I was worried about that. I'm autistic and I often struggle to read social situations which is why I've come here for advice.

Show quote history

You don’t need to apologise, they’re being a dick.

Someone2025 · 18/08/2025 00:14

Saltandpepperlife · 16/08/2025 12:31

She isn’t your friend. Trust your instincts.

Agree, this ‘ friend’ can’t be trusted and I think your boyfriend is gently trying to tell you this as well

jamnpancakes · 18/08/2025 00:18

Can I ask - have you ever met your BF in real life?

MuckFusk · 18/08/2025 00:24

Vinsomer · 16/08/2025 12:42

I'm late 20s, friend and BF are mid 30s.

Sorry if I've come across childish, I was worried about that. I'm autistic and I often struggle to read social situations which is why I've come here for advice.

Show quote history

No worries, you didn't come off as childish. That was just a goady post. Don't bother with people who aren't here to help you.

MuckFusk · 18/08/2025 00:26

Potatosaladsalsa · 17/08/2025 19:44

I had a very similar and painful situation. A girl I moved in with my bf and I would message him behind my back, but I wasn’t worried because she was my very close friend, I didn’t see her as a threat (she was very physically unattractive and not my BFs type) and above all, I trust my boyfriend fully. It wasn’t anything serious Convo wise, usually about a guy she was seeing. I sometimes spend 3-4 nights away from my BF due to commitments, so she’d be there when I wasn’t. Not an issue - although I admit a little piece of me felt “oh, this feels tricky, and I’m worrying” even tho I trusted my BF. It was her I felt a bit iffy about (no clue why!!!!!).

anyway, moved this chick in, all good. She then started messaging him a bit more but they live together and I wasn’t really home. Wasn’t worried. Then, next thing, she’s discussing getting a job at his workplace as a co worker!!!! She wanted to work with him! I did confess to my BF that it would give me massive FOMO - because it did- my best friend and boyfriend together 24/7 while I’m elsewhere? No way.

then I noticed she would walk around naked in front of me, with the risk of him walking in. She’d walk around, tits out, ass out, in broad view of potentially both of us!!!! She also tried to walk into the bedroom when BF was still asleep but I shoved her out the room.

she also started clapping when she overheard our bed squeak. We were being as quiet as we possibly could but she overheard and kept clapping! And laughing hysterically! I swear on my life we were being so so quiet about it. She kept messaging us etc with the general thing of “keep going but hahahaha I hear you!”

then she tried to kill my BF’s and I’s pet, and then hung up things over pictures of BF and I, as if to hide them. She also kept putting on documentaries about bad flatmates - usually ones where the flatmate “steals” this life of another ie takes the bf, the house, etc. she thought fleabag was an icon, saw herself as a fleabag, and decided that fleabags actions ie being an affair partner to her BFFs BF, was completely reasonable. Ew.

she also crushed my beloved plant into a picture of BF and I. Made me feel very weird.

anyway this happened in less than 5 days and I turfed her out, she told me she wanted to hurt me, that she hated me, that I was evil, that she hadn’t slept in days, etc. very worrying.

I trusted my BF though this all and he was really calm and supportive. He stayed out of arguments and helped me turf her out.

Wow! What a lunatic!

Grinnbear · 18/08/2025 00:39

Listen to your gut.
Shes up to something.

Grinnbear · 18/08/2025 00:43

Potatosaladsalsa · 17/08/2025 19:44

I had a very similar and painful situation. A girl I moved in with my bf and I would message him behind my back, but I wasn’t worried because she was my very close friend, I didn’t see her as a threat (she was very physically unattractive and not my BFs type) and above all, I trust my boyfriend fully. It wasn’t anything serious Convo wise, usually about a guy she was seeing. I sometimes spend 3-4 nights away from my BF due to commitments, so she’d be there when I wasn’t. Not an issue - although I admit a little piece of me felt “oh, this feels tricky, and I’m worrying” even tho I trusted my BF. It was her I felt a bit iffy about (no clue why!!!!!).

anyway, moved this chick in, all good. She then started messaging him a bit more but they live together and I wasn’t really home. Wasn’t worried. Then, next thing, she’s discussing getting a job at his workplace as a co worker!!!! She wanted to work with him! I did confess to my BF that it would give me massive FOMO - because it did- my best friend and boyfriend together 24/7 while I’m elsewhere? No way.

then I noticed she would walk around naked in front of me, with the risk of him walking in. She’d walk around, tits out, ass out, in broad view of potentially both of us!!!! She also tried to walk into the bedroom when BF was still asleep but I shoved her out the room.

she also started clapping when she overheard our bed squeak. We were being as quiet as we possibly could but she overheard and kept clapping! And laughing hysterically! I swear on my life we were being so so quiet about it. She kept messaging us etc with the general thing of “keep going but hahahaha I hear you!”

then she tried to kill my BF’s and I’s pet, and then hung up things over pictures of BF and I, as if to hide them. She also kept putting on documentaries about bad flatmates - usually ones where the flatmate “steals” this life of another ie takes the bf, the house, etc. she thought fleabag was an icon, saw herself as a fleabag, and decided that fleabags actions ie being an affair partner to her BFFs BF, was completely reasonable. Ew.

she also crushed my beloved plant into a picture of BF and I. Made me feel very weird.

anyway this happened in less than 5 days and I turfed her out, she told me she wanted to hurt me, that she hated me, that I was evil, that she hadn’t slept in days, etc. very worrying.

I trusted my BF though this all and he was really calm and supportive. He stayed out of arguments and helped me turf her out.

😵😵😵😵😵
Wow

Firethehorse · 18/08/2025 06:46

Speak to your DP and make a plan together on how to fix this then communicate it together. My first thought would be for any communication between them to be solely on the joint group. If she does not stick to this, I would ask DP to consider blocking her. It’s not the behaviour of a friend OP.