To not go on hol for friend’s 40th

[tinmrn]

One of my bf’s has organised a girls trip away for her 40th. 4 nights, in middle of rural Italy, nearest town miles away, late Oct (end of half term). I will only know her and 1 other of the 7 women.. I really don’t want to go for a number of reasons (money tight, won’t know anyone, my son will need supervising for revision, but mainly what will we do for all that time, it won’t even be hot to sit by pool??!!) but she keeps saying I have to come, it won’t be the same without me, etc etc .. I’ve so far swerved committing but as it’s getting closer we obviously need to book. How can I get out of this without offending her? Or AIBU & should just suck it up & go..?

Books, board games and drinking?

Ask her what the plans for during the days are as you only know 2 people and it causing you social anxiety

Sorry I don't have the spare money/annual leave from work right now...

Can ask friend what the itinerary is? Just say I haven’t had time to research the area, what is the activity list, are there nice walks or suggest some activities you like to see if there’s that around?

by saying you haven’t had time to research the. Gives you a get out of there’s nothing to do / it doesn’t work with sons timetable / work rotas etc.

I tend to be bluntly honest sometimes. And my friends still talk to me.

”Nope. Thanks for the invitation but I’m not doing that. It’s not in my budget this year. Are you free on x date? Come for dinner, I’ll cook. Have a lovely time “. And I don’t entertain any more discussion.

My budget, whether it’s my money budget, my holiday budget or my time budget, are no one else’s business.

Italy can still hit mid 20s October so I imagine you can still sit out in the sunshine drinking and chatting, have some lovely walks and cook food with gorgeous local produce. But if it doesn’t appeal just say you can’t afford it and wish her an amazing time!

Just say you can't afford it, she can't make you magic money out of your arse, can she?

At least then she'll hopefully drop it as saying you cant afford something usually shuts down any conversation because people hate talking about money.

This.

Yep this, you get to decide how to spend your time and your money. You, no one else. You can make a fuss of her at a different time and in a different way.

I always think if you aren’t immediately on board with these things, I’d say no. I think not being able to afford it is a good enough reason.

If she says "it won't be the same without you", tell her that you appreciate that she feels you are the life and soul of the party, but you honestly can't make it work, but you'd definitely be up for a night out or day trip

that’s rude tho, you’re invited on a holiday then you refuse and ask her to take more time and come to you for a meal? see other thread about friends cooking.
”and entertain no further discussion”? also rude and pompous

No thanks.

This

Other reasons especially questions like what activities will be etc only put off the inevitable which is - you can’t go. End of.

4 nights so commitment of 5 days which is essentially a week's holiday. Quite a big ask. Do you normally do weeks away together?

Rural Italy can be nice but that is a long time in a remote spot unless there is a definite plan there somewhere. a 3 day city break I would maybe agree to but 5 days is too much. I would body swerve with a don't have the holiday/money to come along and leave it at that.

Also love pp suggestion of asking her to you for a lovely dinner so you can mark the occasion still.

I dont think you have to be as jarring as PP's message.
Just say "I can't afford to go away unfortunately. Would you like us to go out for a birthday meal just the two of us? X"

It’s no more rude than expecting people to come on holiday with you at their own expense?

If deep down you know you don’t have any intention of going then I’d just be politely blunt and say that it’s just not something you can do (for whatever reason you wish to say; work/ childcare/ budget). I wouldn’t ask the plans and act like you’d be up for it if you know it’s not something you’d enjoy and want to do, despite how much you love your friend. I enjoy group holidays with my close friends but I don’t think I’d enjoy one with a group I’m not familiar with in the middle of somewhere with not much going on. It doesn’t make you an awful person or friend.

Agreed, just say this. It's not rude and it's the truth. I've been with a large group where I only knew the party girl,and it was hard work. Wouldn't do it again unless I knew more people.

Expecting anyone to use up annual leave, their own money, and at least 5 days of their lives for a birthday is so entitled and out of touch.
I'd decline without hesitation.

Just say you can't afford to go, say you hope she has a lovely time and you look forward to seeing the pictures.

Don't be a wet blanket. If she doesn't understand or takes offence then she's not really your friend.

Like abroad hen parties weren't bad enough people now expect other adults to go on holiday for their birthday FFS!!

Just say no.

Come on your an adult, you don’t need anyone to tell you what to do. You have listed valid reasons. And besides are people becoming self centred about this now - 40th birthdays??

How is it rude?

She's invited on a holiday - to a place she doesn't choose, taking her own annual leave, and having to spend money on a 5 day break.

She is well within her right to say no thank you.

It hardly compares to saying to someone "Are you free on X date and would you like to come to mine for a meal?"

The friend is also well within her right to say no thank.

To be honest helping dc get through revision (presuming GCSE/A level mocks) would be more important than any holiday for me, even one you wanted to go on. Don’t feel guilty about saying no, it’s a bit commitment in terms of holiday as well as cost.

Its your best friend and her 40th...surely you want to go and help her celebrate. Sounds like the revision and money are just excuses as you don't say it would be impossible. Plus what's not to love about a few nights away without children and with a group of friends and potential new friends. Maybe try thinking about it from a positive aspect - as in it will be fun, we can keep costs down etc etc and see if a week thinking that way might change your mindset.