To not go on hol for friend’s 40th

[tinmrn]

One of my bf’s has organised a girls trip away for her 40th. 4 nights, in middle of rural Italy, nearest town miles away, late Oct (end of half term). I will only know her and 1 other of the 7 women.. I really don’t want to go for a number of reasons (money tight, won’t know anyone, my son will need supervising for revision, but mainly what will we do for all that time, it won’t even be hot to sit by pool??!!) but she keeps saying I have to come, it won’t be the same without me, etc etc .. I’ve so far swerved committing but as it’s getting closer we obviously need to book. How can I get out of this without offending her? Or AIBU & should just suck it up & go..?

You're allowed to say no for any reason.

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking but she shouldn't push it; everyone has different budgets and priorities.

Personally I get quite a few invites for trips away and I typically say yes to one a year as that's as much as I can afford, and feel ok about being away from the family.

It comes down to a few factors- how close I am to the person, whether I know and get on with others who are going, whether it's a place I want to go to, how much it costs, whether I've been away with that person recently. So last year I had a long weekend at a beach resort with old school friends, this year I'm going on a city break for a different friend's big birthday. There's another close friend I haven't yet had a chance to go away with so I'm hoping to do something with her next year.

If anyone else asks, I just say "sorry, I can't afford it/can't take any more time away from the children. Have fun. I'd love to meet for lunch/dinner/drinks though."

I took a group of friends out for a meal at a lovely place in a private dining space for my 40th and paid for all of it. I just don’t get this for a 40th. And expecting you to take precious annual leave and pay for it. Don’t feel bad. Especially as you only know her and one other. Just keep it simples. ‘So, so sorry. I’d love to be there but I just can’t make it work. I hope you have a wonderful holiday and hopefully we can get together for a celebratory meal soon’

Rural Italy can be lovely, but I wouldn’t want to spend the best part of a week there with people I don’t know.

Whose idea was this anyway? It would only be reasonable if virtually everyone knew each other and the trip was planned and agreed jointly.

If this was mostly the birthday girl's idea it is extremely self-centered and inappropriate.

Edit: you should however tell her without delay, like now. Text or email, because you’ll find easier to say what you want, and less likely to cave in if she were to continue to insist that you come.

YANBU to not go

but

YABU not to tell her that.

You don't even have to go into reasons. A simple "No thanks, not for me". Then if she tries to press you you can say "Because I don't want to" or "For a combination of reasons, it doesn't work for me".

This.

tell her all reasons you’ve said. They’re each decent reasons.

strikes me she’s laying it on thick, becuase she knows if you dont do it, others won’t , and then her big plans of a cheap accommodation will fall through.

As a younger woman I'd have tied myself in knots over how to say no and probably gone in the end, because of the difficulty of saying it. I went to therapy some years ago to learn to be assertive and now have no problem! I just say sorry It's not in my budget and keep repeating myself. The relief of not going far outweighs the social embarrassment!

I think if you want to go then go, if not let your friend know sooner rather than later. It is more than a bit entitled to assume and expect everyone to spend a large amount of money and time celebrating her birthday.

If your YP isn’t motivated to study for GCSE’s or A levels now they never will be.

I second this. It’s an invitation not a summons.

If you ask more questions before saying no it will be insulting where as saying no at the very start is not.

YANBU, just say no and no annual leave left or budget tight etc if you need an excuse!

What's the reason for choosing the location, type of accommodation and list of invitees? Do your friendship group tend to do this sort of thing?

I've been on similar holidays in rural Andalucia, but that's because I like walking, albeit alone and also local tapas bars, small towns, quirky museums etc. We go to Lanjaron quite a lot, where the mineral water comes from, so it's great for this sort of thing and it has a small spa. But if you don't like that sort of holiday I can see how it's unattractive.

Is it that she wants to rent a villa and needs a group to help her pay for it? That's not on, especially if people don't have the money and time available to join her.

A holiday somewhere remote seems particularly risky if you have a group who don't all know each other. At least in a town there'd be more options and ways for people to get out of each other's faces if needed.

Also (sorry if this has already been said) but given OP has children / child, someone at home is going to have to pick up the half-term childcare. I’m my household, my husband or I would find this a massive issue!! Most people have work to do and enough challenges with people being ill etc.

What have you said to her about it so far? Like, when she “keeps” saying to you that you have to come, what are you saying to her? What reason have you given her for not making a decision yet? How long has this gone on for?

I think in situations like this, the easiest/best thing is to just outright say you can’t afford it, it’s not in your budget this year. My only fear is you’ve made this tricky for yourself by not just saying this straight away. The fact you seem to have prolonged this does make that “no” a little bit more difficult now. Not impossible, but just a bit more awkward. That’s how I’d feel anyway. Say you’ve done some budgeting and it’s not possible. And you’d love to take her out for dinner another time to celebrate.

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad either.

Assuming you are of similar age to your friend I would say you are more than old enough to say no to something you don't want to do. Life is too short to spend money and effort people pleasing. So what if someone thinks it's an "excuse", it's how you feel and I think a best friend would be wrong to be upset about you not coming. Not everyone loves a couple of days away from the kids, if that's not spent in an enjoyable way. Then it's just lots of effort and money and logistics for something you don't really enjoy.

All the above caveated by the fact that it does sound like maybe you have some social anxiety and you should consider whether you would actually enjoy it. Sometimes these feelings can stop us doing things we would really enjoy due to the worry. It's a shame to let that stop you from having experiences.

As to how you tell her, just say you can't manage it - due to money/ leave/ other commitments./ Don't overexplain. Maybe offer to celebrate her another way (.e.g a night away on you with the money you've saved not going).

I wouldn’t go to this, UNLESS this a single friend who has always forked out for your hen do wedding baby shower christenings etc, in which case it’s her turn to be celebrated

That's absolutely bonkers reasoning. Single people's birthdays are not more important than married people's birthdays! We don't all get a "turn to be celebrated". Generally major life events (which may include big birthdays) are celebrated by family and friends, but usually the host pays for the majority of the costs.

Expecting someone to spend ££££ on an overseas holiday to celebrate your life event is pretty unreasonable, regardless of whether that is a wedding, a hen do or a birthday celebration. Fine to offer an invitation, not fine to have an expectation that they must attend.

I'd like to know why you want to wait until next week to have a frank conversation with her @tinmrn
Personally I wouldn't leave it any longer unless she's uncontactable

I agree. Tell her NOW, not next week.

what will we do for all that time, it won’t even be hot to sit by pool??!!
What will you do with four nights somewhere beautiful, with a very good friend, for a major birthday?
I dunno: spend time with her? Cook and eat together? Conversation? Walks? Reading?
Doesn't sound like that's your kind of holiday, though, so maybe leave it to those who will enjoy it.
I do think your other reasons for not wanting to go are sound and I'd invoke one or two of those if I was making my excuses.

Surely at 16 the childcare wouldn’t be an issue as long as good neighbours or relatives nearby and DH not far away unless you are a lone parent.

I wouldn't be keen to go somewhere rural with people I don't know well for several days - as everyone will likely have different ideas about practical things like meals, drinks, transport, kitty money, buying loo roll etc.

It takes a lot of food to make even one meal for 7 adults, and if you're in the middle of nowhere then all that needs organising by someone.

Whereas at least in a city people can do their own thing in smaller groups if they want, get food when they want, etc.

Whatever happened to Cava and Cake?! It seems a bit much for a birthday and strikes me that it will end badly.

Nails it. Don't overcomplicate it. You can't afford it and that's it.

Just say no, it doesn’t work for you. You don’t have to give reasons/excuses, really. Phrase it nicely, but stick to your guns.
It’s all very well some other posters saying as she’s your best friend surely you should want to celebrate (so implying that you should go on this trip), but you can celebrate in a different way, and you’ve said you really don’t want to go away for 5 days at a time that is not convenient to you (and will be expensive), so as I say, just say no.