To not go on hol for friend’s 40th

[tinmrn]

One of my bf’s has organised a girls trip away for her 40th. 4 nights, in middle of rural Italy, nearest town miles away, late Oct (end of half term). I will only know her and 1 other of the 7 women.. I really don’t want to go for a number of reasons (money tight, won’t know anyone, my son will need supervising for revision, but mainly what will we do for all that time, it won’t even be hot to sit by pool??!!) but she keeps saying I have to come, it won’t be the same without me, etc etc .. I’ve so far swerved committing but as it’s getting closer we obviously need to book. How can I get out of this without offending her? Or AIBU & should just suck it up & go..?

Just say you can’t afford it. As the person in my friendship who has the least money, people who are real friends should be fine about this if they are real friends.

but also if you know you don’t want to go please just say so. It’s so annoying when someone is vague and you think they might do something then you feel disappointed when they finally say no and realise they never wanted to come. Just say it early, don’t string her along.

I would’ve thought that supervising your son’s revision is good enough reason to not go

Don't go. You need to do what YOU are comfortable with doing and what YOU want to do. She's the one being unreasonable to put pressure on you. Don't be a people pleaser. You'll only end up miserable and resentful. All you have to do is say "Sorry, it isn't going to work for me. Hope you have a wonderful time."

On what planet is that rude? And how is offering to cook someone dinner rude? Totally bizarre.

That sounds utterly dull, I can't imagine just sitting around, cooking and going for random walks.

OP, just say you're sorry but you're not going to be able to make it.

It won't be the same without you doesn't mean anything. It is just words. Stay at home, save your money, and spend the time with your family.

“Revision supervision” - can kids not do anything without helicopter parents hanging around?

Surely it depends on the child. Some are more self-motivated than others. The parent will know if they should stay around or not. I'd rather be there to make sure they are revising.

Be honest and tell her you can't afford it and you need yo supervise your son.

I very much agree with this. If she’s got form for this and you’ve already been to her overseas hen, wedding, baby shower etc then just tell her you can’t afford it this year however if it was a good friend who has been there for you without asking too much in return I’d probably make the effort for her 40th. I have a friend who is happily single and child free who had a big trip away for her 40th. She’d been to my wedding, been there for me when I had my babies etc so even though the trip was expensive, I only knew 3 out of 9 girls going and it was a bit inconvenient as meant using up several days annual leave I went, and had a blast in the end.

You don't have to do something you don't want to do. If she were that bothered about you going she could have consulted first ro
see what you'd be up for doing

Sorry I can't commit to a 4 nights away. I'm sorry to disappoint you but if you'd ask me first I'd have let you know I'm not for an abroad trip, however, we could go out for a meal / spa day / afternoon tea to celebrate if you fancy that?

Me too. I wouldn’t want to do this for my own birthday or join someone else for theirs. If everyone did this big birthdays, we’d never get anything done and all be broke. Plus it’s socially anxiety provoking for lots of people / introverts!!

Just say no! If she really is a good friend she will get that you are free to make your own decision, and, like Mary Poppins, don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
Or, be utterly blunt and say the reasons you've stated in your post.

Or say 'It's a really important time for my son and he really needs me around'.#

Or say, 'no I really don't fancy it'

Personally I would say the last one. Honestly is always the best policy. xx

Not knowing other people is easily fixed. You are all there to enjoy urselves. If u can't afford it simply say. She may say that there is a lot of notice to budget though. Isn't there someone else who csn monitor child's revision.

Bluntness is the best approach and list the reasons youve told us. The big one being you only know 2 people and youd feel anxious. She can’t be dismissive of or minimising your feelings / social anxiety, so shouldn’t be pressurising you.

That is my biggest nightmare these days, money is tight and i would rather spend my hard earned money on possibly going away with my family, time is precious too.
I’m mid/late 50’s and only really enjoy my own family’s company, children mainly , husband’s company when i’m in the mood! only have 3 real good friends, crafted that carefully over the years!
Our DD will be in Y11 from September and I want to be around to support her through the mocks, real exams. Also there will be the open evenings for 6th form, colleges in the Autumn term, big decisions.
Haven't got time to pander to adults who want to celebrate a whole birthday week????

So SHE has organised a trip abroad for HER 40th birthday, but all the people/women going, have to fund it themselves? What a cheeky fecker she is. I would be saying 'sorry, I'm not coming. I can't afford it, I don't know most of the people, and I will struggle for childcare for 4-5 days. I'm out. Sorry. Hope you have a good time. All the best. Tinmrn' xx

OP just thought I’d give you another perspective..
I rented a villa for a significant birthday and invited 5 of my closest friends to join me. Some of them had never met each other.
I messaged them all individually before I even booked it to sound them out and was clear about the cost (although I did subsidise the cost of the villa - my choice)
Every single person was up for it and so the holiday was booked.
What a fabulous time we had!
Everyone got on, the more unlikely friendships flourished and we laughed until we cried most days. Even now a few years later they are asking me to organise a ‘reunion holiday’ this year.
If you can’t afford it, or the AL or due to commitments then fair enough. But FWIW it doesn’t have to be the utter car crash you are thinking it will be…

I really think it’s so arrogant of her to expect any of this

Childcare and money are valid reasons. Saying you don't know anyone is rude and childish, especially considering you have said here that she is one of your bf's.

I think it could be worded slightly differently, but I feel that if more people refused to be guilt tripped into going to expensive birthday/hen do/wedding trips then they wouldn't happen.

If I couldn't afford a trip I wouldn't feel at all ashamed to say so.

"Taking time" for a meal isn't exactly onerous. It's just one evening. And what is your issue about friends' cooking?

I would also go straight to the point and say you can’t afford it. Be really clear that you definitely can’t, although obviously polite.

I like the “it’s not in my budget” wording - makes it clear this is a thought through plan that you are sticking to financially not that you just don’t fancy it.

I also think inviting her to do something else like come to yours is nice.

Agree with most, decline politely. I think it’s a really big ask, and a bit entitled to expect everyone to comply.
unless there’s a back story like she went to your own extravaganza, or she’s had a tough time, or helped you a lot then no.

her reaction though will tell you a lot.

@Riverswimsi think that what is rude is expecting your friends to stump up for a 5 day break to celebrate your birthday. Entitled, actually.

I wouldn't enjoy that at all. If she didn't have anyone to go with, I might do that (if I could avoid going into my overdraft) but she's got a gang of friends there!

I would hate to spend that much so close to Christmas, too - I'd rather have the money for winter clothes and for gifts.