To not go on hol for friend’s 40th

[tinmrn]

One of my bf’s has organised a girls trip away for her 40th. 4 nights, in middle of rural Italy, nearest town miles away, late Oct (end of half term). I will only know her and 1 other of the 7 women.. I really don’t want to go for a number of reasons (money tight, won’t know anyone, my son will need supervising for revision, but mainly what will we do for all that time, it won’t even be hot to sit by pool??!!) but she keeps saying I have to come, it won’t be the same without me, etc etc .. I’ve so far swerved committing but as it’s getting closer we obviously need to book. How can I get out of this without offending her? Or AIBU & should just suck it up & go..?

OP doesn't need to change her mindset. Lots of people on the thread have pointed out what there is to not love about giving up annual leave, a week of life and £100s if not £1000s for an unwanted 'holiday' socialising with strangers.

Lol. I wouldn't do this for a friend, and dont ask this sort of stuff from my friends either. If I did, it would not be with a guilt trip either.
Its only a birthday. People make such a fuss

Isn't the birthday just an excuse for a friends holiday? Unless everyday is a birthday celebration then it's not really about the birthday. And annual leave is for things like holidays with friends, money is for things like holidays with friends. I would have no problem going away for a few days with friends, even a wider group who I don't know personally, but then I guess I'm not as antisocial as half of MN who refuse to do anything away from their husband and kids.

“Friend, I need to be clear that unfortunately this is a ‘no’ from me. It just doesn’t work budget wise, AL wise or being away in an important revision period. Sorry to disappoint you but I don’t want to mess you about. Have a great time - I’ll take you out for dinner on your return xxxx”

Money is not for holidays with friends? Money is for paying bills and supporting OPs children. If she doesn’t have spare money she doesn’t have spare money.

Agreed ! that would also be the priority for me also.. one night maybe but five days?

If it was, why not have all the friends choose the location and budget?
My annual leave and money is for my life and things I specifically choose. Not a mates holiday choice. 💁🏻‍♀️

Thanks all - some really helpful perspectives. I’ll pluck up the courage to have a frank convo with her next week.. I’m sure she’ll be fine with it, prob just me feeling bad/ overthinking. The revision supervision is a big thing although tbh I would be prepared to go overdrawn for something that I really wanted to do - fact is, I really don’t want to do this! I don’t think people realise pulling together all their random friends might be fun for them but it’s hard work for everyone else.. esp for 5 full days!

A slightly different take on it but I would consider the context a bit more. Obviously I don’t know the friendship ins and outs but I think personally, if this was one of my best friends who has always turned up for me then I’d consider doing something that I wasn’t 100% happy with to make them happy.

I have a few friends who have had extravagant weddings, hen dos, baby showers, gender reveals etc. that have cost me a lot of time and money who I’d probably say no to if they requested a trip like this and I wasn’t 100% on board.

I have friends who have never done any of that but wanted to do something like this for their big birthday, and I’d make an exception for them because I know it would make them really happy but they’ve also always turned up for me on big occasions

Your reasons for not wanting to go are perfectly reasonable. Stand firm and tell her that your decision is made. Does she often have main part syndrome?

Lack of money (and limited annual leave) is the final frontier to literally everything
Revision, not knowing others, random locations, can be workarounds and subject to compromise pressure , so unless she is willing to pay for you and your unpaid annual leave then it's an automatic no and not in the least bit rude.

Stay home! Going away with strangers would really wind me up.

YABU for not saying no sooner.

I need to be more like this. Love it.

Its your best friend and her 40th...surely you want to go and help her celebrate

A night (and/or day) out is sufficient to celebrate a friend's birthday, even a best friend's 40th. We're all 40 sooner or later (god willing) and it's not that big a deal that it requires a group holiday, unless you're loaded and willing to pay for everyone to come along, and even then, they may have limited time to use on it. Friends in their 40s tend to be busy with work and family and can't prioritise time away with friends of friends who they don't choose to holiday with ordinarily. It's nice of this friend to want OP there but any more pressure than that is unwarranted. It's fine to say "I can't come away but let's do something nice here on x or y date instead." and don't give in to any guilt-tripping. It's not your idea of fun and you have other calls on your time and money. That's entirely reasonable.

I think you need to tell her asap, its hard, but it is better than keeping her dangling. It will feel even worse to let her continue to think that you might be going.

What if you start your convo and she is upset because two others have just dropped out? It will be even harder to say so am I.

Even a text saying you can't come and say you will have a chat with her next week about going out in the UK for a celebration as well, which presumably is something you can do.

Yeah, way better to be a pushover, do things you don't want to do, then moan about it behind people's backs / on MN.

If you work say you cannot get annual leave. If you don’t work then say you have to remain at home to support your child through exams. Wish her a great time and suggest an alternative celebration.

Next time she puts the pressure on, have a prepared script on your phone & call her: wish her and the others a lovely birthday celebration then firmly and definitively say no. End the call

If she pesters you thereafter, change the subject and always with a smile in your voice,

I wouldn't use lack of money as your excuse for declining in case you get pulled into some discussion about how little it might really cost or something. For anything like this, I just say "I won't be able to come, hope you all have a lovely time". As she's your friend and my ask for more details, just be honest and say it's not really your thing. A real friend would know that unless you've been to lots of these kind of things in the past.

Keep costs down …. 😁

That very rarely goes to plan. Plus Italy, especially rural areas is not often cheap. Especially if you are in the middle of nowhere. Unless you do a Lidl equivalent shop on day 1 and self cater every meal every day. And the novelty of same shit different location soon wears thin.

Don’t got it’s not compulsory

If you were so crucial to the proceedings, you should have been consulted first. A 5 day holiday abroad is a huge amount of time and money, it sounds like very hard work especially when you only know 1 other person. I wouldn't want to risk it personally, what if the others are horrors?

I would only do this (and have done so) for close friends' birthdays / hen weekends where I know most of the people going and they are my friends too so great opportunity to spend time together. It can be great fun if you're all part of the same group. In this scenario, I wouldn't be prepared to spend the money nor my precious annual leave, which I save to spend with my actual kids, not a bunch of randoms (not to mention leaving DC for 4 nights which is tricky if they're young, I would never have done this for more than a couple of nights when they were little).

Can you do a couple of days?
So some have said, if it's a good friend offer what you can, or an outing local to both of you.