To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

[Elephant1079]

Had a recent loss of my brother - we are both in our mid thirties. It was a sudden and unexpected death - he was not unwell beforehand.

Since it happened I have been living life in a fog of grief. On the edge of crying most of the time. I feel like a part of me has gone.

I keep reading online that grief never goes away and you just ‘grow around it’ but I don’t really understand that, and I honestly don’t think I can manage feeling like this for the next ~50 years. It’s making me feel complete doom and despair.

So Aibu to ask anyone who has experienced the loss of a close family member - do you ever feel normal again?

Am so sorry for your loss.

My DH died just before his 29th birthday. His was a long drawn out battle with leukaemia but didn't make it any easier.

I was a wreck. I remember saying I didn't realise a broken heart hurt physically as well as mentally.

I struggled for a long, long time, but time is kind and you do find a way to go on. To find joy and be happy again.

It's decades since he died and I think of him every day-but with love tinged with sadness-more nostalgic. I still cry sometimes but I am generally happy.

It is not disloyal to be happy and live a good life-it's the best tribute there is.

I like the phrase that is used in Judaism "May his memory be a blessing"

I wish you peace. X

Everyone’s grief is different.

I did begin to feel normal again. I can’t remember how long that took, but I do remember that at first, every time I realised that I was feeling normal, I felt terribly guilty for not feeling distraught. That lessened with time. Now, a few years down the line, I still get floored by a wave of grief every now and then, but most days are manageable.

So sorry for your loss! Its heartbreaking. I lost my brother 11 months ago, he was my only sibling and we were so close. It was a grief I have never felt before and it did break me. It has got easier in that I can get through days without crying but I know I'll ever get over it.

It's so different for everyone! As much as people want to help there is nothing they can say or do to stop the pain but I did find talking about him helped. Do you have people to talk to?

Sending hugs x

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

https://www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/growing-around-grief/ I have found this way of thinking about grief helpful.

Everyone is different but yes, I think in time you find a new way to be ‘normal’.

My mum died very suddenly and at first it was so completely overwhelming and I described my grief as like carrying a huge heavy sack around with me. It was so heavy, disruptive, constant and utterly exhausting. I just couldn’t fathom anything ever being different as I constantly lived my loss and shock and sadness.

I remember one day about 4 months in, I woke up and the sun was shining and I had this brief moment of joy. For the first time I had a little hope that in time the ‘sack’ would get lighter and over the years, it absolutely has. We created a new life but there will always be a gap and an absence. It’s a different life but it’s ok!

When you’re at the early part of your grief journey it’s impossible to think you’ll ever feel ok again. I think you just have to take your own time and do it your way but genuinely, I think that you will find a new sense of ‘normal’ when you are ready.

I’m sorry for your loss.

My only sibling died in her 30’s, 14 years ago now. The grief just becomes part of you, but it’s less painful and raw as time goes on. I am very sorry for your loss.

I read somewhere once that one grieves for a month per year of acquaintance. That pretty much worked for me, I found. One day, I lifted my head, counted the months and thought “there’s something to that formula. How about that”.

However, you have stepped off one path called normality and are now walking another one. It's a slight different colour, smells a bit different but right now it’s very dark. You will move into light. And one day you will go through it all again for the next person.

I dont think we ever get over some things we just get better at dealing with it.

So, so sorry for your loss.

My DH died recently, very unexpectedly. I’m told that you get used to the fact that they’ve died so it’s no longer raw all the time.

In the beginning you can mostly only think of the pain and missing them. Over time the balance changes to remembering the good times you had together rather than pain of their loss. Time heals but not quickly. The first year is worst.

I dont think you get over it you just adapt to what's now your new norm. Its different. Someone's missing but it's your life now and you will get used to it

So sorry ❤️ the beginning is the hardest thing to ever go through. At some point, you will reach a plateau - this will be a safe internalised space. Then you will gradually think less of your loved one; that is they won't always be at the forefront of your mind. This will bring the guilt. All part of the process. You will get days, where you think, I haven't thought about them so much today. It's overwhelming and you think it will never heal. I always tell people, it never gets easier but it increasingly becomes more bearable and manageable. 🫂 one more thing, nothing will ever faze you again, to a degree that it once did.

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

I lost my DH a few years ago. Unexpected and violent death. I have accepted I will never be the same again. I had my before life, then a protracted period of agony and grief and breakdown where I was in a fog and so, so lost.

I left my job and moved locations. I do feel I am living again, I am functioning, I can do things and feel happiness or joy. But that wound doesnt heal. My awareness of it recedes and comes back. Sometimes it comes back fiercely and brutally and Im lost, but not for so long.

I wish you the very best for health, recovery and healing xxx

Sorry for your loss. It does get easier over time, how long that time is varies from person to person, and the new normal (if that is an appropriate term) never denies the existence of what went before.

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

In a word yes with the exception I would say of the loss of a child 😢
Thankfully I haven't experienced that immense loss but have lost people very close to me, my Dad, my Godmother, some very good friends and some in very tragic circumstances. Each time I have a loss I think I won't get over it. The most recent was 10 months ago. I didn't think then I would be where I am now.. I still think of her daily and feel sad when I hear certain songs it can stop me in my tracks. But can I function day to day? Yes can I find joy in each day? Yes
Will i miss her forever? Yes

I am so sorry for your heartbreaking loss 💔 I hope your journey with grief is gentle x

I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother.

im 12 years on from losing my 18year old son to cancer.

grief is very individual, often lonely and there is no right or wrong way to how you deal with it.

all i can say is that time, a long time at that, is the only healer. Life goes on all around us and there comes a time when you can dip your toe back into it and start enjoying things again. I do, for the most part, feel normal now but it’s a different sort of normal. There’s always the ‘missing’ and sadness but now there is love, laughter and joy that lives alongside my grief.

certain times of the year are and always will be difficult but I am kind to myself and do only what I can at those times.

slowly, slowly. One foot in front of the other. Go gently on yourself.

sending you love

I am so sorry for your shocking loss. Grief is different for everyone. It is all very recent for you, so still very raw.

I think about loss/grief like a wound developing into a scar - at first it is raw and bloody. But we learn to live with it, and then it heals a bit, but we are always left with a scar. And that mental scar means you will never forget yoru brother, but will be able to think of him with less pain. You will be able to remember the good times, the supportive times, without the shock of immediate loss and grief.

When my Dad died, someone told me that grief is like a stone in your shoe that you can’t shake. It’s always there and will always hurt but you gradually develop a callous so the pain becomes bearable. I have found that to be very true.

In my experience, grief has flattened me. Not as in, a living death/depression, but has sapped life of colour and joy. I'm fine. Go out, day to day, work, interact with others. But I'm detached from it now. I see why life is finite. And I'm glad I've got more of it behind me than ahead.

My lovely Dad died in January. The classic 'after a short illness' fuckery that is missed late diagnosis of all the cancer everywhere.

My Mum remains poleaxed 7 months later. They had been together since late teens, negoitated all their growing up as a team, they were such a tight little bundle of co-existence. She is just - bewildered. The same kind of expression one sees on a pet who is suddenly alone and abandoned by their family.

I miss him so much. Even writing this is making me weep. I work in healthcare. I see grief. I know it to be an absolute thief of joy.

I am sorry for your loss and I know how you must be feeling. I imagine it doesn't ever get better. But I imagine it gets easier.