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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

109 replies

Elephant1079 · 15/08/2025 13:51

Had a recent loss of my brother - we are both in our mid thirties. It was a sudden and unexpected death - he was not unwell beforehand.

Since it happened I have been living life in a fog of grief. On the edge of crying most of the time. I feel like a part of me has gone.

I keep reading online that grief never goes away and you just ‘grow around it’ but I don’t really understand that, and I honestly don’t think I can manage feeling like this for the next ~50 years. It’s making me feel complete doom and despair.

So Aibu to ask anyone who has experienced the loss of a close family member - do you ever feel normal again?

OP posts:
SpaceRaccoon · 16/08/2025 21:11

I'm so sorry OP. My brother died completely unexpectedly coming up for two years ago. Our parents were already dead so I'd been through bereavement, but the shock, grief and horror of that was like nothing I'd ever experienced. I felt like I'd break in half.

Honestly I just went numb. Felt like a huge concrete block or something, and I'm still very numb, and in disbelief that he isn't here any more. It's like my brain is still blocking a lot of the reality out even nearly two years on.

So that's how it's been for me, I know everyone is different. I do experience some happiness, joy and contentment, I do live my life. Sometimes the grief breaks through the numbness. I feel like I'll be processing the loss for the rest of my own life but I'm okay with that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/08/2025 21:15

Thindog · 16/08/2025 16:19

Someone said to me that, over time, the one you have lost lives less in your head and more in your heart.
I think this is true, you never get over it but live along side their memory, “in your heart.”

This is true

I say about dh

gone from our lives not from our hearts

Original poster
Elephant1079 · 17/08/2025 09:04

FridayFeelingmidweek · 15/08/2025 21:58

I'm really sorry for your loss. My sibling died linked to depression, and years later, it is still a punctuation mark in my life. Not an everyday sadness or anything, but it is an event that lived by my side.

One regret I have is that I didn't look after myself and speak to a counsellor at the time of his death. Now, I simply cannot talk about it to anyone as I think I would breakdown as the grief has been hiding for years now. So do talk to someone if you feel you can.

As a sibling, it's a very unique grief. I found it hardest knowing that the only person who literally shared my childhood with me was gone.

Give yourself time and try to look after yourself.

Yes this is it. He was the only person who shared my entire childhood - even in recent times, we would often randomly discuss something from childhood together which only us two would get. Like an old show, a funny memory, a random reference no one else in the family would understand. It really feels like a part of me has died with him. I’m sorry you lost a sibling too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elephant1079 · 17/08/2025 09:07

MondeoFan · 16/08/2025 16:07

Yes my brother died too. It’s been 2 years now. These past 2 years has been the worst period of my life I’d say. I miss him so much, he was my gig partner, my confidant and we used to chat on the phone 3 ish times per day. I don’t know what to say really about it. It’s so hurtful and I still cry at least once a week about him. The pain of it is getting slightly easier now though. At first it’s the initial shock then it’s the bit when you truly miss them, their voice, phone calls and texts

I’m sorry you’re in this painful club too. Luckily
my brother used to love sending long voice notes so I have been listening to all of those quite a lot. It’s like I’m living in a bubble. I saw this poem on tiktok which really resonated with me.

vm.tiktok.com/ZNdCBfrqS/

OP posts:
Doone22 · 17/08/2025 10:25

You will never feel the same again because you are not the same. Death changes how to feed about things, how you see the world, changes your priorities, etc so actually you are different in ways afterwards.
That's not to say you won't feel happiness or enjoyment or contentedness again but there will always be a tiny part of you that wishes fleetingly that they were there to witness your happiness or to enjoy the joke and so on.
It doesn't ruin you or your life though and part of that love you carry for them stays with you forever so there will never be a year you don't think of them and miss them for a minute or two. It's a price you pay for love. Feel that pain and tell yourself they are worth it. Embrace it. And then let it go.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 17/08/2025 10:32

It definitely softens. The brain is amazing at blocking out the painful horrific feeling when someone is gone from your life in an instant.

It takes time and distraction, the person who died become part of your life in a different way, always in your thoughts, the good memories pop up in any moment, smile through the tears at the memories.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I think it is different when your child dies, I've no idea how devastating or recoverable that is. 💔

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/08/2025 12:37

My brother died suddenly at the age of 31 in 2018. For a long time I was in a right old state, he was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes for at least 2 years. Now, seven years down the line, I still miss him and I still cry, but I can also talk and laugh about him with fondness. Life does go on, even when you think it won’t. Sorry for your loss, sending hugs.

Original poster
Elephant1079 · 21/08/2025 11:51

Idontneedanotherhero · 20/08/2025 12:37

My brother died suddenly at the age of 31 in 2018. For a long time I was in a right old state, he was the first thing I thought of when I opened my eyes for at least 2 years. Now, seven years down the line, I still miss him and I still cry, but I can also talk and laugh about him with fondness. Life does go on, even when you think it won’t. Sorry for your loss, sending hugs.

Yes this is how it is for me at the moment - it’s like my brain is running ‘think about him’ every waking moment, even when I sleep he is often in my dreams. I have so many funny and warm memories with him, he was such a character. Outspoken, would stand up for what he thought and felt without any hesitation, used to always make sure I was ok when we were children and be ready to help me. I hope I can carry some of his traits moving forward in his honour.

im sorry you lost your brother too. 💐

OP posts:
anothergrievingsistet · 21/08/2025 12:07

Several years on I still think of DB every day. I am glad of that. The memories are slowly becoming less sad and more joyful. But I think some level of grief is permanent.

Just the other day it hit me again how difficult it was locking DB’s house for the last time after selling it. DSis was with me (in our home country; DH had commitments in the UK). It was one of the few times in my life I truly couldn’t have managed on my own. If she had not been there I would have had to call friends or I would have stayed forever. Closing the door on a good man’s hopes and dreams forever. I was screaming inside. But for the most part I have also processed that (though perhaps there is more to do)

It is undeniably awful, OP, but I very much hope that you will also find that the balance improves.

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