To ask if you ever feel normal again after grief?

[Elephant1079]

Had a recent loss of my brother - we are both in our mid thirties. It was a sudden and unexpected death - he was not unwell beforehand.

Since it happened I have been living life in a fog of grief. On the edge of crying most of the time. I feel like a part of me has gone.

I keep reading online that grief never goes away and you just ‘grow around it’ but I don’t really understand that, and I honestly don’t think I can manage feeling like this for the next ~50 years. It’s making me feel complete doom and despair.

So Aibu to ask anyone who has experienced the loss of a close family member - do you ever feel normal again?

We lost one of our two sons eleven years ago. The grief at the time was almost unbearable. Somone told me that grief like that is a rucksack on your back full of stones. Over time the stones go away but the rucksack never will.

My dad died suddenly and unexpected when I was 10. I made several attempts to kill myself when I was in my early teens. I've suffered depression horribly all my teenage years but got no help and my mum had a breakdown so our life was shit. As an adult I see we should have had sooo much help to deal with our grief!! We got FUCK ALL. I hope you can get grief counselling. Im so sorry for your loss xx

I’m so sorry for your loss 💓
I lost my sister about ten years ago after a very, very short illness, and I was in a fog of grief for some time afterwards. Recovery is not a linear process, so the fog would lift for a bit then come back down, then lift a bit more. Looking back, it took about five years to completely get back to normal. I wasn’t in a fog for five years, it’s just that I could still suddenly dissolve into tears because of certain triggers. I did access grief counselling, which helped a lot.

When I say that I am back to normal, that is not entirely true – I think I’m a better person since I lost her. I’m more compassionate about other people‘s feelings and I am more appreciative of the privilege of getting older, now that I am indeed getting older than she ever lived to be. I hope that you’ve got good support in your life and that you’ll be able to celebrate his life at appropriate points. For example, we have had gatherings for my sister’s anniversary and birthdays sometimes and that has really helped to remember her in a positive and joyful way. Lots of love to you 💐

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. I lost both parents within 18 months, both very suddenly and with little to no warning, in my early 30s. My life is forever divided into before and after those events. I am
a different person now. I wouldn’t necessarily
say I’m sadder - that’s somehow too simple - but everything feels more grounded and less important, somehow.

You will absolutely feel normal again and the pain of that raw grief will die down. What your won't feel though is exactly the same kind of normal as before. That's what's meant by growing around the grief - it isn't going to go away but new memories, new happinesses etc will start to grow and fill the hole.
Right now the hole is huge. In the first year you might get metaphorical green shoots growing in that space and a few years and decades down the line they'll have evolved into branches and leaves and flowers and the hole might not even be visible.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Try not to rush feeling normal, or better, or being over with grieving. It'll take as long as it takes for you and that'll be a very personal experience. Feel as sad as you need to right now. It's so incredibly normal to feel sadness at that loss, because it reflects how much love you had and have for that person. And don't feel bad when you feel happy too. The day after my mum died my BIL accidentally threw food all over himself. It was so ridiculous we couldn't help but laugh, despite being in the trenches of grief. It was helpful to find that moment of light in the dark. You'll find that over time the light moments increase in numbers as the dark ones decrease.

I lost my mum 17 years ago and not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. She was my best friend, to this day I don’t think I have ever loved anyone as much as I did her (bar my children). I can still remember that sharp physical pain - there was just a constant ache. It hurt me to the point I had a complete mental health breakdown.
Having said that to explain my devastation at the time. I still miss her SO much. I’d give anything for her to be here. I still have moments of complete and utter rage, days where I cry so much my body shakes. But what used to be an hourly occurrence have now become much less frequent. What used to be a flood that I couldn’t control is now a big lump in the throat and a few tears before I calmly state “Enough. She would not want this to ruin my lifetime”.
So while I will truly never, ever get over this. She’d want me to live. And I try to remember that on the darkest days.

Time helps OP. But there is no timeline on grief, no one should tell you how to feel or for how long.
I have had many amazing moments since, I would never wish to go back but it’s shaped me and I am stronger now. Other losses cut too but nowhere near as deep as that did.

You will find a way to enjoy life again. Not only because of time passing but because
that’s what our loved ones who have passed would want for us.

I cried every day for nearly two years over my greatest grief and weekly for much longer. I truly thought I could die from the heartbreak and would never recover.

I am happy again now, 20 years later. I can't say I'm "back to normal" - it's been so long I'm a different person and so it's a different normal. But I can look back at happy times with fondness.

Personally I didn't find the "month for every year" thing true at all, and I didn't like that phrase because it made me feel bad for still grieving much longer than that.

I wish you all the best.

I was just thinking exactly the same thing.

I had a different username in those days but vividly recall your lovely posts about your boy.😥

12 years - unreal.

Me too, never used to name change had the same one for over a decade, but with the changes to the nature of the site, I name change a lot now. Im glad min & many others haven't though. I love seeing the 'old' posters & swing that some very special ones are doing 'ok' 💋

It’s painful but it does ease. The best explanation I’ve heard is imagine your life is a tiny box with a bouncy ball pinging around inside and every now and then it hits a big red button (the pain). That red button doesn’t change size, but as time passes the box gets bigger. Everytime the ball now hits the button (which is less frequently) it still hurts just as much.

In my experience the first few weeks are horrendous, and then after about 3-6 months it starts to ease. By 12 months the pain is bearable and the grief only takes my breath away around once or twice a day, sometimes not at all (very infrequent though). After 5 years you will feel almost normal, but have days where the pain is unbearable, usually anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc.

Hugs ❤️‍🩹 xx

I think it also depends who died how and age
me parent aged 87. Miss him, loved him but okay natural order
sister murdered. Completely different
i now try to live each day for her as well. So say to myself each morning how can I make this a good day
today work walk sport
doesnt always work mind

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Mum died in Jan 2023, this is the first year where I feel I can move forward from that and be a bit happier in general but obviously still have moments that are hard.

The raw grief does settle even though you can’t imagine it will and it’ll never go but it will become more manageable and less intense.

Thank you so much to everyone who shared their own personal experience and grief and offered support, advice and kindness. I’m just reading through everything now. I’m sorry for everyone else who has been through grief, it really is difficult and like nothing else I have experienced before in life.

It’s a new normal, without that person. It can be hard but you will find joy

I don't know. I lost my daughter 19 months ago and it still feels quite recent. I think the first and second year is hard. The way it was explained to me what it was like waves. At first they come fast and big but eventually they space out but still come when you least expect it. It'll probably always be like that but they'll be far apart.

You have to be kind to yourself. Intense grief can briefly affect the heart muscle so it's important that you take it easy on yourself. Broken heart syndrome is a real thing. I didn't know that before.

It's changed me though. I don't think anyone goes back to the way they were. It's a new normal.

I am so sorry for OP’s loss and all the losses described on this thread.

We lost my fantastic baby brother in a freak, medically induced sporting accident three years ago. For the first year I was beside myself with grief. Since then I have slowly been remembering more of the happy times with him and the guilt of still being alive while this wonderful, kind, brilliant younger person is not has been lessening. Grief counselling has also helped me. While I can’t always live up to the ideal, I believe with PP that we owe it to our dead beloved to try to honour them by living well.

It’s slow and it’s probably a bit different for everyone but it does happen, OP. I hope you will get to the point of remembering your dear brother with happiness, at least sometimes, very soon.

One thing I wanted to add OP is to take a moment when you can bear it, to ensure you make good plans for the future. In the darkness of grief nothing seems like it’s going to help, but plan them anyway. So save up and book that holiday you wanted but never prioritised, find a way of getting to those strawberry fields you always wanted. Even if it’s years ago, set yourself a target and try to stick by it. Because in the thickness of it all, you just can’t picture ever enjoying anything again but the mind is a powerful thing. If you decide “I’m going to get here” and put a lot of effort to make it happen, it will help your body remember that good times are not only behind you, but also ahead.
And don’t for a second think that’s not what your loved one would want. If something happened to me I’d be over the moon my children still found a way to enjoy life, that’s the perfect way to honour my memory. ♥️

I feel this. It’s been 6 years since dd died, and the pain and grief at the beginning was indescribable. My life has grown around my grief now and I have many happy moments. I had emdr and talking therapy which has helped with the trauma, but I will never be the same or fully recover.

It’s different for everyone. Nobody’s grief is the same. I think over time the pain just gets easier to bear. I was utterly heartbroken when I lost my mum. I held her hand while she went . She knew I’d never leave her side and I never did. The first year was the hardest. I just didn’t want to live in a world without her but as time went on the grief lessened its grip and I started being able to feel fondness that I had had her love so long. Hers wasn’t a long illness and she only got 18 months after diagnosis which just wasn’t enough as very little of it was quality life.

I lost my adult ds 10 months ago and this week has been one of the worst weeks for some reason. . I went for a walk in the woods and tried to scream, but nothing came out.
I feel.better today but who knows tomorrow.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Siblings are often forgotten In the grieving hierarchy.

I lost both parents and my best friend. All were really difficult to process and I cried so much, but did find a way to go on and begin to cherish happy memories. Lost my DD in 2023 and that’s very different. I’m a different person now. That person I was is gone. I’m functioning, and was told I look like me again the other day, but I’m not me.

Be kind to yourself. Take the time you need, and don’t compare your grief to others - every road is different and you can’t choose yours.

There is a saying time is a healer and it is to a point .The mind protects you by things not being quite so acute the painful memory becomes blurred
I would agree though you are never quite the same person you once were it changes you
Everyone is different and how long it takes for time to become a healer to a certain extent varies from person to person sorry for everyone's lossesxx

I am so sorry, @Slavetomycat

I don’t think any of us writing here about grief will ever be the people we were. If we are very lucky perhaps we can eventually be better. But I don’t think we will ever live in the world as easily as before.

I'm really sorry for your loss. My sibling died linked to depression, and years later, it is still a punctuation mark in my life. Not an everyday sadness or anything, but it is an event that lived by my side.

One regret I have is that I didn't look after myself and speak to a counsellor at the time of his death. Now, I simply cannot talk about it to anyone as I think I would breakdown as the grief has been hiding for years now. So do talk to someone if you feel you can.

As a sibling, it's a very unique grief. I found it hardest knowing that the only person who literally shared my childhood with me was gone.

Give yourself time and try to look after yourself.